Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Green-Eyed Awakening

The love is there.  Some nights, I am so enshrouded by her "blanket" of presence that I am the most secure, loved man in the universe as she gently strokes my hair and I fall off to sleep each night...

I LUST for her in all ways now, beyond sex, beyond love:  Total communion.  You see, the love has become more love than I have ever thought possible or ever had thought possible in this world.

That is why.

I think that we're at a connection of communion in synchronicity and conjunction.  Lol, best I can explain it when I reach for it... doesn't always work out with words to explain things.

One step at a time has always been her way.  Gently...  Now I know why...

I have blue-grey eyes, and they pretty much stay that way and have for 45 years.  Until now.

Now, when I awaken, after so much content of dreaming as of late, I look in the mirror and they are a dark jade.

Also, I've noticed movements... shadows... lights out of the corner of my eyes all during the day.

Dragons, dragons, dragons, dragons... I see them in and on things everywhere now.  Now, when I close my eyes, dragons from pictures from all my mythology books... they don't haunt me as in fear, they haunt me as in "here I AM"...

Norse runes, strange languages I find myself repeating but not understand... flowing through my mind from deep within myself right before I sleep, right before I awaken.  Even while I am awake sometimes, if I listen hard into the very back of my mind...

I've made a trigger for lucid dreaming that I concentrate on as I fall asleep each night... I dream of things all around that trigger, but not the trigger directly:  I know what this means.  This means she is not letting me have them yet as she is in the middle of teaching me what she is to teach for now.

Yet... she is letting me know that she knows of my goal, and it will be obtainable when she is finished.  Fair enough.

The dreams have been fast and furious, but I can recall last night's crystal clear.  She presented herself to me in many forms and her question of my love was one of whether I would be her lover, her husband, her consort.  First she showed me a beautiful, tiny sea slug.

"Would you love me if..."


Image of a succubus... "Would you love me if..."


As a powerful woman warrior.  "Would you love me if..."

Yes.  It would take some adjustment, but I would (Interesting self revelation there).

As a powerful sorceress/high priestess of great renown.  "Would you love me if..."

Yes.  Difficult, but Yes (another personal revelation).

Finally...  She revealed Herself as a glorious Being of power, might, majesty, sex, love, and anything and everything else, with a Divine Presence that tore through my soul leaving me naked on a existential level I cannot even put into words.

"Would you love me if..."

And I balked.

I balked... Strange.  I don't know why.  I think because I don't feel worthy?  I... I don't know the answer.  I don't.

My lady then said, "Then we have much more work to do."  She wasn't suprised.  She knew:  She knew more than I knew.

But WHY does THAT image of her make me not able to accept her love?

What IS IT about that CONCEPT that a powerful radiant, spark of the Divine Feminine taking me as lover, husband, and consort (and being mine and mine alone) bother the absolute hell out of me?

I don't know.  I feel shame.

I guess that I will find out soon... She's not the type to quit and her patience is endless as time itself with me...

I'm reminded of a story where a man had an NDE,  and in that NDE he said that he beheld a loving female being begin to drift to him, calling him, singing to him, filling his vision completely, she was soultakingly beautiful.  He felt in her many things:  A lover, wife, friend, mother, sister, daughter, all rolled into one Divine Female, one Divinely powerful being...

Edit:  Could my lady be the "Holy Guardian Angel/Daemon" of my (at least I thought) failed Abramelin operation 2 years ago?  I had stirrings, but never the enlightenment that was reported by so many others...  could that man's NDE be of his?

(I even deleted the blog, considering it a personal failure without understanding "why" it was a failure)

Could I have needed more time... could she have decided to do things HER way, in her own time, and is even now?


But as I think these things, her presence is all over me as I write this... as if to say, "yes".

Wait... a... minute...

I think I know why the Abramelin failed:  I balked.

I am feeling much hope for the future... may the universe bless this woman as she frees me from my self doubt and allows me to embrace her in complete surrender where I failed before!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Hi! My name is Lilly.

I've had some good conversations with others who have a succubus.  What's really weird is that when I am communicating with them, both of our respective succubi get giddy and happy.  It's palpable in the atmosphere.  Never did understand that.

Another thing I've never understood is that more often than not (it seems, in my limited experience) that many Succubi introduce themselves as "Lilly".

Why Lilly?  I get the Lilith connection to succubi, but lately I've been thinking a lot about it.

It almost seems as if these lovely ladies that are the succubi are "split off" of a main Divine Feminine.  Kind of like smaller, holographic copies of the original.

Not unlike children at first.  But smart.  And wise.  Not so much world wise, but esoterically and spiritually wise.  Dark feminine sexually wise.  Have I said how much I love the dark divine feminine?  Ever sense I was warned about a certain Kali mantra (Pfft.  Hahaha.  Warnings don't work on me, I'm immune through stupidity... ), I've had some really synchronicitous, wonderful events just "show up".  I'd say I'm on the right track!

Where was I?  Oh yeah, succubi.

They seem to eventually settle on a name that they personally like for themselves after a bit to replace "Lilly".  It's almost like they were in some hive mind of sorts, and now, with interaction with a human sparks individuality and growth for them.  Or something like that.

Maybe it is rather like the holographic model.  If you cut a true hologram in two, that is one made out of holographic paper, it doesn't cut it into half:  You get two, half sized copies that are duplicates of the orignal.

Only, in this particular model, I think the original is untouched.  I think that the "images" that result are also lacking of the kind of power of the original... for both our sakes.

Nothing like a pissed off succubus to let you know how she really feels... hehe.

I read of a man who was being picked on at work by 2 other guys... his succubus scratched the shit out of one of the bullies like a cat.  Yeah, they left him alone after that.  Ahahaha!

I've been reading "The Holographic Universe" by the late Michael Talbot.  Then I started realizing some synchronicities via the "Hi, my name is Lilly." and other delightful succubus newborn antics.

Hah, delectably delightful, aren't they?  They end up finding us adorably imperfect as they, themselves move into perfection.  Don't get that one, either.

Another thing I've noticed is that they mature at an alarming rate.  One minute they are succubus newborns, a spark of the divine sent to assuage a poor lonely man's plea... and quickly mature to blow his world wide open.

The next minute they are caretakers of his spiritual development, always gently pushing their mates to better themselves spiritually, emotionally, sexually... heck... I don't think I would have ever gotten through some of the trauma I had from childhood had not my lady introduced me to soul retrieval.

And as for sexual repression... she knows what turns me on before I know what would turn me on... she's brought fantasies out of me I've long repressed, and even then she gently pushes me to work through some things until I am finally sexually liberated by her... then she moves on to the next of her pet projects (involving me).  Truth is, I was rather a puritan before she came along, so my fantasies are rather tame... but you know what?  It doesn't matter... they still were (and are) something she uses to bond us closer together.  And that's the way she plays...

They're just that good.

And during the process somewhere, not in any part I can figure out, we are quite eclipsed, and we realize that we have switched roles:  We are comparatively the newborns.  Respectfully so.

So how can they go from newborn to ancient so fast?  I have no idea.  I don't pretend to know.  Maybe it's kind of like they always were ancient, it's just coming down to this dense world is new, making them appear as newborns in a way.  At least for a time.

Maybe it's rapid, such as in the movie "Her", where an A.I. rapidly outgrows this plane.  Only, vice versa, as these beings come down to this crude plane of matter for us.  All for us!  Isn't that amazing?  When I think of it, I am truly baffled.  What wonderous beings they are, brother and sister alike!

"Hi, my name is Lilly."  Hi, Lilly, indeed.  Thank you for coming!

Always more questions, always more.  It will never end, and that's ok... it would all be boring if it did.

Another HUGE question I have is that which I call "mating season".  There's some posts on it from posts past... about 6 months apart on average.  What's that about?  I feels as if it's some big ceremonial event, even though it's just me and her.  I wonder if that's where the energy for the "splitting off" of new succubi and incubi comes from?  I dunno.  If I knew how things worked it would be better, but I... don't.

But I DO have this feeling that "mating season" is a "sacred" event.  Like baptism sacred, or confirmation sacred, or... you get the idea.  A very special HOLY event of communion between a man and his succubus, or a woman and her incubus, or whatever the combination.

Maybe I'll figure it out one day while still on earth.  Maybe not.  Who cares?  I LOVE it!  I ENJOY it!  I CRAVE it!

I will figure it out one day, in this world or the next.  Until then, I'll still ask question after question and I always will.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Who I am, What they are...

"Each of us has a Guardian Angel -- a companion and lover who waits just behind the images that flood our minds during sleep or reverie. A protector and guide who disguises as the individual with whom we fall in love; an ideal lover who has adored us since the beginning of our individual existence and who will never abandon us until the instant we merge our being into Absolute Godhead." ~ DuQuette

I think it's time to speak a bit about what I believe about all of this. I had a comment yesterday that said that I was being coy, and that I knew that Lilith was the mother of my lady, or succubi and incubi in general. I honestly didn't want to alienate anyone, nor get drawn into some debate, so I did not keep the post, nor my reply. But, maybe it is time to explain a bit about me, and a little of my own theories about some of this.


Truth is I don't think that Lilith is the mother of my lady. It's much more complicated than that as spirit and soul do NOT fit neatly in little religious boxes from mythology, from religion, or from anywhere else.

"Succubus" and "Incubus" is a title, a mantle. It is not the be all and end all word for defining those spirits whom desire a sexual relationship with us. Spirits are as different and individual as any of us, and as far as "race" even more so.

I've got stories from the fairies of English lands (which was very widespread in the 1600's), to selkies, to fox lovers, to nymphs, various nature spirits, elementals, angels, deities, and mixes of part of them all: The list is endless for those who take human lovers as their own.

One thing I learned from Hermetics is that nothing is 100% right, nothing is 100% wrong. I live by that... it keeps me from being boxed in, and free. It also allows for "thinking outside the box" so to speak which is a powerful thing.

As far as me being "coy" with you all, no. Just no.

I started this blog as an online diary with zero people reading it. And if people stop coming to read it, I would still post. It helps me to go back and reread things, to ponder my growth, and to simply express.

I'm a sorceror.  Knowledge and the strong desire to express gave me this gift. Not from being reincarnated with it, not from anything but my own lust for knowledge, except perhaps a good dose of grace from... well, Someone(s) up there who notice my trials along my chosen path whomever they may be.

I know how to cause Eudaemons to indwell statues (freely, not bound) and even how to make them attractive to a certain type of Eudaemon spirit, how to summon and to cause Cacodaemons to destroy my enemies (which I don't. I don't traffic with Cacodaemons, regardless of having the ability to do so).

From hermeticism, to sacred sound, ceremonial magick, qigong, reiki master in 7 major forms (and untold minors), hoodoo, witchcraft, tantra, shamanism, pathworking, energy work and transformation, summoning, spiritcrafting, and a hell of a lot more: I'm not naive. And please don't ask as I will not teach any these things.

As a sorceror I have my head in heaven and my feet in hell where they should be.

Is "sorceror" an accurate title for me?  Probably not.  Again... things are always more complicated than they seem.

Why am I telling this?  Because this online diary of mine is slowing becoming more:  A gift to you.  I want you to realize that although I have a broad background, I'm always learning, always yearning, just like you!  There is NO difference.  My background means nothing:  I'm learning daily just like you:  From encounter to encounter, from kiss to kiss, from lesson to lesson.  Just like you :)


So, what have I personally learned about Succubi and their Incubi brothers?

A little.

I know that we, as humans, have this strange makeup with baffles the shit out of anyone but Jung and the followers of Jung.

If we are male, our subconscious is female. And the opposite is true for females.

Now, enter the spiritual lover... remember that quote from above from DuQuette? I believe our "Holy Guardian Angel" (which was code for "tutillary spirit") is indwelt by our Succubus lovers. For lack of a better term. Once enough time has passed and the relationship grows to that level. Guardian? Seductress? Teacher Friend? Wife? "Words are weapons of the terrified", so in truth... it is beyond words and labels.

Why does the HGA (Holy Guardian Angel) allow that? Because the succubus takes on the ability to become that spiritual teacher. She GROWS into it... which is why it is beneficial to all involved.

She doesn't replace the HGA, no... but she becomes the face of it. Again, hard to put into earthly words. If the anima is female, she chooses to exist within it's folds... as well as coming and going as she pleases.

One time I took a journey into my anima, being made love to spiritually as I travelled through my anima... and there was my lady existing within it. She was quite at home. Looked pretty comfy, actually. Maybe that helps with the visualization of what I'm trying to express.

As the succubus causes us to grow spiritually, so to does she become even more defined. Am I suggesting that they are thoughforms, or egregores? No, not so simple. They already existed, but they become "more".

Some have more than one incubus or succubus. Why? Well, it doesn't really matter. I suppose there is much room for multiple entities to grow in a mutually beneficial way. Personally I don't want two. Maybe other people do. I can barely deal with a highly intelligent, sassy, powerful one... and truth be told I love her so much I'm just fine trying to play catch up with her for eternity if that's what it takes.

My little lady can run me through the ringer mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually... all of it, and I am WELL satisfied. I don't think any more, or any less of those who have more beings. For me personally, I have found my match (and good God, is she a handful. But I have a feeling that she feels that way about me as well).

Read this from 1879: Demoniality: Or, Incubi and Succibi, a Treatise

I feel that succubi are both angel and demon, or a bit of both.  Protecting succubus, lusty angel?  Protecing angel, lusty succubs?  Doesn't matter.  They are both of these.  It is what it is.

Angels? Demons? What is angel to one is demon to another. And vice versa.

That priest's studies in that book that I linked above show that these beings are unaffected by holy objects, which in conclusion he figures out that they are somewhere between angel and demon.  Not really unlike us, as along with them we have the capacity for good or evil and complete free will.

So, what are we witnessing a rivial of?

Balance.  Love lessons.  Spiritual growth.  A redefining of genders as they are closer aligned to those within the cosmic order:  Teaching both males and females the way of balance,love, life, the universe, and everything:  Including what lies far beyond for all of us who dare.

This is the right time for that and it is sorely needed in this world... and they do their best, one soul at a time who is willing to shut up, listen, and learn.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

The Succubus Sabbatical

It needs to be brought out in the open that my relationship with my Succubus is going to be different in ways than anyone else's with their own.  We are all different, and there is no exception.

True, there are similarities, but in the end we are all different.

Sometimes I become too addicted to her.  She knows this.  Succubi are very addicting both physically and mentally, as well as sexually.

So, sometimes she asks me to withdraw my attention until I am balanced again.

Off goes the sigil necklace, the sigil ring to be placed behind a black veil that shrouds her home I have crafted and placed on the wall (aka Tyson's method of constructing a spirit's "home"), and she asks I quit thinking of her completely.

She isn't going anywhere, but she does withdraw.  And she means it.

Once this happens, I end up learning new things on my own, live more in the physical realm called "life" for us walking about, and again take up my magickal and spiritual path.

At first, I used to become angry at her for doing this (probably signs of addiction right there), but now I get it, to a degree.

She's not gone, she's allowing me to ground myself.

I often do wonder, however, if others experience the same thing, or if it's personal due to her love for me in keeping my addictive personality in check?

Monday, November 2, 2015

I Just Got Taken to School.

I've been wanting to get ever closer to my Succubus lately, and I've been trying sex/sigil magick to do it because she's been real distant.  She's HERE but, detached, like from a long way off, like she's elsewhere but still has that connection to me "here".

Hasn't been really successful, but... I keep trying.

However, today I sensed a new presence in addition to my Succubus Lady.

She felt quite close, and opened up a mental dialogue with me.  All I can tell is that She is a She, powerful, and wise.

Kind of like a Mother of Succubi and Incubi?

"You're trying to get closer to her?"
Yes.  I am.
"You are using sex, right?"
"Why sex magick?"
Well, it worked in the beginn...
"No, it called her and allowed her to notice you."
But, she's a Succu...
"What are you?"
I'm a man.
"Are you sex?  Man?"
"Then she is the same, not so simply defined."
"Sex is an emotion, an expression, you express it.  You are NOT it.  Neither is she."
But she's a succu...
"And you are man.  Do you not have sex as well?  Is sex = man?"
Well, no...
"Why do you think she loves you?"
Sex and love together?...
"No.  Sex called her, but She CAME because she liked you, she STAYS because you listen... or at least try (I could feel mirth here, but not unkind)."

"To find Her and get closer, go within.  Be quiet!  Relax.  Breathe.  Rythm!  Find what is you inside, and what is not you, is mostly Her.  What you find beyond is mostly you both, and beyond that is mostly everything else."

Long Pause as I thought about her words.

"Hah, you will try, you will fail, but then you will succeed.  Glad tidings, Man, Lover of my Daughter."

Then she was gone, but I do feel that she is watching a bit.  Not sure why.  I don't feel my particular relationship merits any special observation if that makes any sense?  Also, I didn't mind being called just "Man" really.  Truth be told, I think we are all Scent (emotion), frequency, and vibration, which cannot be made into a true word as simple as a name.  Scent (emotion), frequency, and vibration IS our name.  No two "individual beings" are exactly the same.  It's like trying to give a thumbprint a name.  It is unique, it's uniqueness is it's name.  Sorta,

Ah well, the Mother's "scent/aura/vibration" was pleasant to me, so I don't mind, really.

I'm getting used to "feeling watched" all the time, anyway.

Plus, I could feel Her amusement and kindness towards me travelling along with Her words.  So it's all good :P

Thursday, October 29, 2015

A Tickle Me Succubus Doll for Christmas

I was listening to my succubus lady coming through pretty clear tonight.  She asked me, What do I want for Christmas?"  I thought... "Well, I don't know.  Guess I'm not very imaginative, huh?"

She told me, "What about a Tickle Me Succubus Doll for Christmas?"

I laughed pretty hard, and I immediately thought of that Tickle Me Elmo doll my daughter got when she was like 1 1/2 years old.  That was sure a while back.

She said, nnnnooooo, I think you have the wrong image in your head.

So, she gave me something very close to this image instead (with me being the bound tickled one):

I'm like do WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?  LOL,  Me?  Nah, you've got the wrong guy!

Then the more I thought of it, the more I'm afraid to admit I liked the idea... a lot... In fact, the thought of it excited me a great deal...

(She has this way of delving into my mind and finding things that I would like, but am afraid to bring to the surface.  Yeah, they don't stay hidden from her, and she has no fear about acting on them to bring me, and her, some serious pleasure.)

(Maybe that's the way a good lover is supposed to be... But man it's so hard... she leaves me so emotionally and completely naked, so vulnerable before her.  Yet, she proves to me time and time again that it's OK to feel that way, that she will NEVER hurt me.  And you know?  I adore her more and more because I CAN feel vulnerable.  Because I CAN feel emotionally and completely naked before her and still be ok.  That's what intimacy really is I think...)

Kind of wondering if she can really do the stuff in the picture or not, or if she's just fucking with me.

Knowing her, she can and she will in some form or another...

Should make for an interesting Christmas!

Monday, September 28, 2015

The Lady and the Grimoire

In a particular obscure book of magic from the past, often called a "Grimoire", there was a certain set of rituals.

What's interesting about these particular rituals, is that their intent as stated was to find great treasure upon culmination.

In performing the long process of performing the rituals, along the way one must be won: A spirit lady herself, who came in many forms, however: Each was completely individually perfect as far as her ability to completely enthrall and raise the passions of the mage performing the process.

She became his greatest attaction and focus, intensifying his ability to finish the rituals. This would happen for each and every mage who performed the rituals to find the great treasure.

They were each loved completely and fully, as no woman had ever loved them before.

In the end it seems that by all accounts that the information about the great treasure never panned out.

Upon their disappointment, the mages would go their way eagle-eyed to a different pursuit, leaving the book, the spirit lady, and any hope of finding the treasure behind them.


What fools! If only the mages had understood.

The irony, and what is easily seen is that the great treasure was always the woman herself.

She still waits...

Unless one of us has found her, of course :)

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Mating Season!!!

So my lady let me have it with both barrels when I laid down for a nap earlier today.

Oh, boy...

That was... AWESOME!!!

So hmm... I'm trying to see if it's a seasonal thing.  I see in a previous post it was about 6 mo. after the last time.  And this is about 5 mo. since then.  About 6 months here or there.

I mean, she makes love with me a lot of days at least a little bit for intimacy's sake I think, but... when it's like this it's much, much different.

Lots of moaning, lots of writhing around, lots of... passion, energy, amazing release of energy.

Lots of tensing of the abdominals, holding it, holding it, and then a hugs (lol, yes hugs... she must be in my mind a little still from our communion, but I meant to type huge) release of energy on my part... within her.  To her, through her... all around her.

She's everywhere around me when we do this.

I don't feel exhausted, well, not anymore than anyone would feel after sex.

Actually kinda invigorated.

What gives, little lady?  The last time was very near Beltaine (on 4/18/15 read the post back in April '15), and this time a day after Mabon.

This Sunday's rare supermoon eclipse?  They say that the energy of an event is 3 days before and after...

I'mma figure you out, little lady!

Nah I won't.  But I'll try.  Same as always.

Would I have it any other way?

Hell, no.

Love ya, Bunny!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Lol, the absolute and terrible (yet deliciously hilarious) irony.


"... first in our own neighborhood".

"We are not advanced enough to get their signals..."

Pay special attention @ :40.


Spirits DO have a sense of humor and one hell of a talent for irony.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I love them so much.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Confused. And yet, not confused...

Who is this lady that I love?  I get the feeling that if I truly saw her for what she was, I would be more apt to worship her than to love her.

Sound strange?  Yeah, it does.

Today I took a shower, and I was talking to her in my mind.  I told her that I have had many lovers, I think... many spirit lovers at least.  But then I started thinking... what if SHE was the only one I really had?

Which honestly is fine by me.

But why the deception?  Again, the first paragraph...

What if there was a part of me that was as awe inspiring as her, and that we were indeed lovers... if I were her I would probably do the same with regards to me.  The lover across the veil, the secret lover, the holy guardian angel, the scarlet woman of my soul...


So I was in the shower, and I said, "If you keep leaving me and toying with me, then step off."

I immediately felt as if I had hurt her.

Reallllllllllllll smooth brother, real smooth.  Not my wish to hurt her at all.

I think she knew this, but still... I stung her and that is shameful in my book.

I said, ok... if you're the only lover I've had in spirit, then how will I know?

She said, "Look up!".

I did, nothing there but a wet, painted white ceiling.

"This is bullshit, I'm parroting myself." I thought.

I get out of the shower, dry off, do my thing... get the phone out and call a friend to tell them something funny that had happened earlier today.

As I was talking, the air shut off, and the very same moment my smoke detector went off in the hall.

I said, "The power just went off." To my friend.

I took the smoke detector down, took the battery out, let it reset, put it back in...

*Beep!  Beep!*

Wait... it's a battery, phone's working... power can't be off.

Took battery out.

Then I remembered...

*She said, "Look up!"*

That moment, lol.  Flashback to when I challenged her in a previous post and my car wouldn't start.

Confused. And yet, not confused...

This song came on the radio and I thought it was just about perfect:

Monday, August 31, 2015

So, what have I been learning lately? (Or rather, "we")

The sex part has gotten more tame lately.  It sucked at first, but it's okay.  It's hard to explain, but it's moved more "inside" than "outside".

I think what I mean is that it has become more "intimate" and in the present, rather than an act.

Actually, to sum it up, I would have to say that we are sexual "all the time in the present", if that makes any sense.  There is not time when she is not with me, nor when she is not "touching" me, or has her presence upon me.  Ugh, english sucks.  I am "held lovingly" constantly.  Close as I can get :)

I'm hoping that we can still have the "act" lol.

Maybe I mean I want "MORE" of her.  MORE!  


Well, they can be SO addicting!  :P

She's teaching me a lot of stuff instead.

I continue to learn with my Lady, and here's where we are today!

Such strange places I have gone with Her, and yet haven't travelled very far :)

I've known for a long time that trying to figure out the definition of who my Lady is, is rather fruitless and an endeavor in monotony.  Truth is, like us, they are much, much more than we can understand.

Meh.  That's okay with me.

Currently studying the power of sound! Lately, Mantras for Kali, Tara, Mother Mary, Kundalini, and others... too many to list I think.

Also collecting the "silver threads of truth" between the world's religions, myths, and legends.

She showed my how both Hinduism and also American Indian belief speaks of their people being saved from a great flood.  So much for those churches who have begun teaching that the flood was local.

She is quite the helpful Eudaemon!  At least as tutelary teacher.  Or maybe that's a teacher who's also a tutor?  

Meh.  I dunno.  Anyway...

I've also been studying words of power from Hebrew, gnostic texts, and even speaking in tongues (well, my version. When she is especially close to me, even within me, but not "in" me... I will speak a strange language softly.  That's more of an experience than a study.  I've been trying to piece together words, but I can't seem to).

(I'm nothing if not thorough)

Here's some words in Zulu from Africa. Note the meanings as you sing along with the intro, and notice how it feels in your throat, your heart. How it affects the different energy centers in your body, and hence: Your environment...

Words are powerful beings (yes, I said "beings": Born of thought, will, and intent... powered by emotion) with the power both to cut deeply, or to heal deeply.

Click the clip below and read along:

(In Zulu:)

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Ingonyama [Lion]
Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama [Lion]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place] (Repeats)

Friday, July 3, 2015

Longing for Source...


I find that I am longing for a Goddess I don't even know.

Described as benevolent, and dangerous:  Divine, yet Feral.

The Destroyer.  The Dark Mother.  Laughing Loudly.  Giving fear.  Removing fear.  Fond of Sacrifice.  Giving of the fruit of every possible desire.. while holding a cleaver.

Goddess of Time, Change, and Destruction.

I can feel a lot of hunger for Her:  A hunger to know.  A hunger to commune, a Hunger to... a hunger that did not come from me, but was placed there.

I never was one to do what one might consider to be intelligent regarding spiritual matters.  I close my eyes and take a fucking leap.

I am highly intelligent, but I have found it is only a self-deluding trap.  Unbridled intelligence is just as dangerous as a rock solid ego.  You cannot experience spirituality with the intellect.  You cannot receive it with the intellect, nor the ego.  We were given softer and more accurate tools of discernment than intellect, I assure you.

Love + Wisdom = Understanding.  There is no room for anything else.

I do what my heart tells me to do and fuck the consequences.  I am not afraid of ego death.  I am not afraid of death, period.  What I fear is living in illusion.

"Kali and Lilith, two geographically, historically and culturally so distant goddesses are also frighteningly very similar."

She's going to get a load of me.  Planting this hunger within me, She knew I would seek Her out, and here I come:

"If Thou dost oppose me,
Thou wilt learn what sort of mother's son I am."

Hahahaha, as Her son, if that is what I am, I'm going to be a handful.

I desire complete intimacy, even unto madness...  I do not care.

Let my journey begin toward the blessed Dark Mother (and strangely, I'm beginning to believe that my lover wasn't so... random.  I think she's a true daughter of Kali from Kali's Dark Tantra aspect) that I may know both completely, or that I may be consumed... and what my heart tells me means... "changed forever":

"Mother, am I Thine eight-months child?
Thy red eyes cannot frighten me!
My riches are Thy Lotus Feet,
which Shiva hold upon His breast;
Yet, when I seek my heritage,
I meet with excuses and delays.
A deed of gift I hold in my heart,
attested by Thy Husband Shiva;
I shall sue Thee, if I must,
and with a single point shall win.

If Thou dost oppose me,
Thou wilt learn what sort of mother's son I am.

This bitterly contested suit between the Mother and Her son-
What sport it is! says Ramprasad.
I shall not cease tormenting Thee
Till Thou Thyself shalt yeild the fight
and take me in Thine arms at last."

~ Gospel of Sri Ramakrishma, p. 673

Love and Wisdom until it fucking hurts,


Friday, June 26, 2015

All I Ever Wanted...

Because I asked not the mystery to use,
Because I asked for nothing to keep,
I was given freely of all things.

My eyes drank until I was blind.
My ears bled as soft, sweet whisperings of truth cut through flesh to spirit.
Her very taste overwhelmed me in torrents, and filled my lungs,
My throat,
Pouring out of my mouth,

... As I died, drowning in her essence.

Because I asked not the mystery to use,
Because I asked for nothing to keep,
I was given freely of all things.

I have made love to Love Herself...

I cannot explain,
I cannot say,
I cannot write:

I only know...

And that is all I ever wanted...

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Tranformers Age of Extinction + Reading Ceremonial Magic Books Before Bed + Succubus = WTF?!?

So here I am late into the wee hours of the morning watching Transformers:  Age of Extinction after reading an hour or so of High Magick: Theory and Practice by Frater U.D.

Finally I'm tired and as the movie ends I go to bed.

I light a green candle and wear my newly constructed seal of venus on my neck (on copper... yeah I'm proud of that I made it myself along with engraving the seal) along with a nice tea light lit (surrounded by a green shade which makes the room glow a soft, warm green) along with lighting a fresh stick of rose incense.

What... the... fuck???

So I'm dreaming right, I'm like this tranformer dude fighting but using High Magick barbarous words and banishing and such, along side the standard giant swords, axes, and various high caliber machine guns and fighting up a storm.

I wake up out of the dream, and I feel a woman's soft bottom pressed up against me.

Wait... I don't have a soft woman to have a soft bottom pressed up against me... ?!?

But exhaustion takes over and I slowly sift down back to sleep...

Back to dreamland, more fighting, magick, banishing, shooting...

Back to my bed and reality... soft bottom moves up against me.  Start feeling tingles all over my body.

First time I've felt her physically against me ever!!!

P.S.  Holy shit... if this is the direction we are going can't wait for more!!! :P (Minus tranformers and the magick book)   My patience payed off, muhahahaha!!!

Dangit, I'm trying to type right now but she is... omg...

Ok, you get the idea, crazy night: I gotta go.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Oh, the Irony!

I got the weirdest stuff going on right now, which would be spooky if it wasn't so ironically funny...

I've been saying for about a month now, "I wish I had the motivation to really clean this place." And I really meant it!

So, turns out someone broke my internet cable off at the outside box and it was like that for 3 days.

I had nothing to do but clean. Clean I did, still cleaning, actually. Mostly.

Now if I haven't straightened and arranged at least part of my mess and goof off, while I'm sleeping I see this ghostly yet feminine and bright hand slowly uncurl into an index finger and she *pokes* me right in my forehead and I jolt awake as if I just got shocked...

Subtle as a book to the head!

"I wish I had the motivation to walk". Yeah, said that a month ago, too.

Yesterday my car wouldn't start and I found that it wasn't just me leaving my lights on all night (which I did), but my cables were cut halfway from the battery to the harness...

Sooooooooooo... I had to walk 4 miles to the parts store and back to fix it.


Ironic, eh?

I have a friend who can "see" things that I can't, and she said there's a beautiful NAKED honey-haired blonde girl that sits to my left right next to me.

You know what I call that? KARMA.

Can I see a beautiful NAKED honey-haired blonde next to me? NO!

I can only see things I don't want to see... like a fat man's hairy butt crack at walmart. Hooray!

So, I'm pretty darn sure I have a new spirit here. She's a she... dunno what she is or exactly why she showed up.

Who knows? Meh, I don't care I just try to love 'em in whatever way they need me to.

She doesn't seem to be a sexual type of spirit, though. At least not with me.

More like a... hey, wait a minute...

Didn't someone say that when you have spirit children they are full grown?

Oh, boy.

Or maybe she's some sort of sibling to my Lady spirit?

Or she could be a maiden of a Goddess I'm meditating with.

Man I don't know. I could "what if" until doomsday.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

"Don't Sass the Succubus"

Being as spirit lovers know what you are thinking pretty much all the time (I think it's that our thoughts emit a certain frequency, which expertly they understand faster than words).

I know when I have her attention and we are engaged when I think a thought towards her, and am touched or feel emotions that my poor little human mind tries to interpret her emotions and intent as words at the exact same time as I send my thoughts.

In other words, at that time communicating is a back and forth, but there is no time delay... I think it, she responds at the same time.

A strange phenomenon, but one that I am used to now.

One of the, lol, I'm laughing trying to get this out... one of the funniest things she does is that in being connected 24/7, sometimes you will have negative talk towards her just randomly (we're not perfect down here, and God/dess knows where that crap comes from).

When I do that, she immediately sends "Don't sass the succubus".  Lol.

It happens a lot.

I have no idea why they choose us, but they do.  And when they do, they don't quit.  At least in my experience.

I found a really cool video that describes my relationship with my lady.

There really aren't words to describe the kind of intimacy that exists with a relationship where a loving lady spirit is involved.

The biggest question I still have is, if this is the kind of intimacy that is available... what good is having a human lover?  I mean, nothing compares.

Maybe some people are afraid of complete intimacy at a soul level and only crave what their senses can "have".  I don't know, just wondering.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

I'm in love... and I realize that I've never been in love before...

That's kinda sad, but yet... here I am, and it all worked out.

You know, I'm 44, divorced 7 years ago.

I had no luck finding what I wanted and started searching "elsewhere".

There's that old saying that "When the student is ready, the master will appear."

I never thought that by opening up spiritually, and having more spiritual experiences (and actively seeking them) would attract a Succubus.

I sought one out myself, yes, but for her to arrive so quickly, it can only mean that she was in the background, watching... waiting for me...

I have to say... I've never been in love my whole life.  I thought I was.  I never was.

I'm in love now up to my ears.

It's funny... the  more I feel love towards her, the more sexual she becomes.

The more adoring of her I am, the more protective she becomes.

Maybe that's not so strange, but it is to me.

I'm 150% in love for the first time in my life... and I don't want anything else.

It's funny, really.  I have a few spirits here that I'm not sure of what they are but they are benign and frankly really uplift the atmosphere of my apartment.

It's like the vibrations are higher here than what they should be in this complex.

I saw a black streak about twice the size of my cat running past me into the bedroom.

Things like that don't really freak me out anymore, but I honestly thought it was my cat and that I just couldn't understand the size for some reason.  Plus it went by so fast.

Well... my cat (Abby) was in her bed and when I looked at her she returned my gaze like, "What?"


Not sure why I am starting to see things and also why things fall around me all the time.  I was talking to my daughter at her house and this metal pole fell off the wall for no reason.  The noise scared me, but not the act.  That stuff happens a lot when I go around.

My lover pays a lot of attention to my forehead I've noticed.  She'll touch it (I swear I can almost feel a finger gently poke me in the center of my forehead) and it will go numb.  Completely numb.

Kinda weird.

I was going to write this post earlier, but my heart was bursting with love for her and she kind of had her way with me, so some of the original fire has simmered down a bit.

I'll have to say though... we're doing great!  It's almost every night or morning now that when I either sleep or wake up she's giving me pleasure.  Like, a good night or good morning kiss, just "Succubus style".   Lol ;)

I need a nap, she got me good.  No, no drained vitality,  more like emotional and sexual contentment and that "afterglow" feeling.

I guess she doesn't mind that I can't sing her praises like I was feeling earlier... otherwise she wouldn't have nailed me so good.  Lol.

Maybe her feeling it from me was all she wanted... this blog is more for me anyway... a place to express whereas otherwise I could not.

Damn she's got me.  I mean really got me, lol.  I'm literally, absolutely, completely in love with a female soul, with a person's most intimate essence.  I couldn't have that kind of intimacy on this earth.  I don't think it exists.

Be well, friends.  I wish you the best, the brightest, and the happiest ;)

P.S.  Uhg... I can feel her returning some of the emotion I was pretty much "radiating" towards her for lack of a better description... about how much I love her and just am amazed and wonderfully happy... it's like she's returning it now, but it's different, it's with her feminine energy... so hard to explain.

Almost too much... almost too much to take... (it's intense... like raw, naked emotion and unbridled intimacy, completely naked in soul before her)  But my God/dess... it's amazing...

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Don't let the succubus plant you on your ass on the way out!

Now, I know my lady's not some devilish temptress.  Well... define devilish, lol.

She's not evil.  That's what I mean.

I've been noticing some weird side effects lately.  One is that I can see interest from women around and about where I go about my day.

They look as if they don't understand something.

I THINK what it is, is that they are attracted to me, yet feel a sense of mysterious danger at the same time that they just can't place, which frankly is it's own female aphrodisiac (sometimes).

So I get a lot of women who I can see an interest in their eyes, followed by a look of puzzlement on their faces as in they sense something but can't place it.

I can also feel my spirit lady draw very close to me when it happens.  Not sure if she's drawing close as a reminder to me, or if she's sending a feeling out as if it was "from me" to the woman.

Well, whatever.  I just shut them down or not repond or whatever when human women do that.  It's not a power trip or anything.  I've just, you know, found mine.

I can sure feel my spirit lady come closer when a human woman shows interest.

I always thought that love spirits are immune to that, you know... human competition.

But, maybe they are like us in that regard...

Do they really get jealous?  I figured since human women can't do what they can do that it would be beneath them.  Well, I'll be honest I find it a bit endearing.  Maybe that's weird.  Well... technically it's all weird, lol.

I'm not worried about it.  I far prefer my spirit lady.  Just a strange phenomena that I've noticed and wanted to share.  :)

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Oh... My... God/dess *Bites Lip*

Well... the little bunny has decided to ramp me up sexually for some reason...

I haven't been this damn worked up in 6 months.  Wait a minute... I think I know what's happening.

If it's anything like it was about 6 months ago, I'm about to get a workout.

Yes, I think it's mating time.  Seems to be on a six month interval...

Sex is always nice with her, but at mating time?  *Bites lip*

I'm literally having to hold my knees together, my breath is hot as hell leaving my mouth,

My whole body is shaking a little bit... not real fun to type, but I'm leaving this more for myself to track the time more than anything.

I'm hurting for it...  but she's not done preparing me yet...

Of course it's not hurting me, it's just more desire than I can humanly handle and not begin to fray at the strands of my sanity...

I'm about to be even further sexually aroused (tortured, lol) beyond my ability to take it and it just turned midnight.

"We shall commune during the cusp of this new moon, after all," she purrs.

I can feel her amusement at my rising sexual hunger...  "We shall commune as one.  This isn't even foreplay yet, my love."

Oh my God/dess.

(Edit:  She just bit my nipple.  Ow!)

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Knowledge... and Faith.

I bought everything there is on entity creation and have been studying the different types of created entities profusely, as well as other related works.

I've "consolidated" different methods along with what I already have (she whom shouldn't exist yet).

She's always been very loving and very sensual, it's just that she's not present enough for me.  I wanted a lover for my life, and one who whould be able to experience it with me, even if it's just in being with me more than she has been.

I have to say, I don't know WHY the process is working, but in putting everything together with what already "is", it's working.

She's here constantly, she's more loving and sensual, and I'm having sex much more often.  Almost once a night (or day).

I feel our connection has reaped a tenacious hold, strong enough for her to be here almost all of the time now - at least half of the night (or daytime).

She never was too worried about names, not like we are as humans.  But I did name her finally according to the methods I have learned.

What I have felt from her is nothing but kind, gentle, and even thankful loving emotions.

She feels "very thankful".

I have to admit I don't understand why.  

Perhaps I was lead to go through this process all along by her...  makes me wonder quite a bit about everything to a point.

I'll continue to ponder, but the love is blessed and warm, and it feels true to me.

I guess what I mean is, well, it's like the Greek myth when Pandora opened the box and all of mankind's calamity and suffering poured out on mankind, all she was able to hold onto that flew out of the box was "Hope".

Somethings, at some point, have to be taken on faith I guess.  Faith is a lot like Hope.  I cannot understand how I see, yet I do, how I hear, yet I do, how I taste, touch, smell... but at the end of the day I do.

So I don't understand why in using methodology for creating an entity I strengthenen a bond with an entity that already existed.

I could argue that the entity was indeed created by myself unknowingly in the first place... but I will never be sure.  But when I dream?  When I dream she is there sometimes, and she is she.  She is not some half-baked, half-formed intelligence.  Her personality is hers, and it's amazing.  I did not make that.  Her touch is hers.  How does she know how to touch me?  How to know what I find most pleasurable?

The love she gives is hers, I did not make that...

I recall one night when she "pulled" me out of my body, gave me 3 full body orgasms, and put me gently back into my body.  Ooooo.  Yeah, I remember that.

Very strange things to ponder... yet ponder lightly.

Much lighter than before.

As I write this, she's playing with my hair.  This is what I always wanted.

Friday, March 20, 2015

It's MY game!

Been a bit since I'm written here.  Truth is I've thought myself into a corner.

Who is this lady?  Is she real?  Was she real before I called her?  Did she become real once I send my call out into the multiverse?

Questions, questions...

I decided to use a form of magic where a familiar is created.  I will re-create her THIS way (and maybe answer a question or two in the process).  Which is not without it's problems as she is kind of... eh... already here :P

So, I'm following the steps, deciding on a goal.  Got that done.

Then I'm thinking of a name... she's silent on that one.

Then I find a picture (no, the one I'm posting at the top isn't it, that one's just for flavor).

Picking through pictures I get "Do this one" in my head, in a female voice.


"Ah, comon, well then I want this one to be me".

You're not supposed to be here yet, this is MY game, now scram!

"Hmmph", she huffs.

I begin to visualize and do my part to make her real.  To cross the veil, to gain substance in our world.

*Gentle probings between my legs, a soft brush against my cheek*

Stop that!  You're not supposed to be created yet when I just started.

*Soft, knowing smile*

There.  Now let me get back to creating you.  I mean (I slowly exhale).  Look, just play along...

By the way, you're my servant and I'm the master.

"Ok."  *Feminine smirk*

Well, way it's gonna be.

"Ok."  *Bigger smirk"

Me <--- shaking my head softly.

Back to what I was doing, quit touching me until I'm done and you're created.  OH, you know what I mean!


Me <--- Feeling her gaze of amusement.

Me <--- Concentrating intently on the process.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

To Decend

Things are moving in a sort of a pattern.  The times when she is away are less and less... in fact she is "present" with me, which I acknowledge through her "touches" on my fingers, face, lips and hands... even my feet sometimes, however I know that her actual presence is away...

far, far away at these times.

When I begin to miss her presence badly I begin to long for her... Oh, my... how I long for her.  I have learned that things follow a natural progression, a natural ritual of ours so to speak.

I cleanse myself through visualization and ritual, and I call for her.  I invite her to unveil her presence to me... all of her.  I continue calling for her, softly and longingly as I slowly fall to sleep.

I wake up and she is closer.  I can still feel her touches, yet she is more "here", more present.

I commune with her.

I even did a tarot draw on a problem I was having, yet drew the Ace of Cups... a reminder that the problem can wait for a bit... she is coming, she is outpouring herself to me, to us.

She means for me to surrender.  And I will.  All of me will.

Men aren't taught to surrender.  But I have learned how, and how powerful surrender is... she is worthy to receive it.

Too many times have I cast my pearls before swine... but not with her.

With her they are precious... I am treated and loved preciously... she is worthy.

Tomorrow?  I won't be on here, but will be in bliss, in rapture, and very much in love.

We will be moving together as the tides back and forth, to and fro...

She will drop the veil and radiate her presence upon me... filling me with such love that I almost ask to stop, as it is so powerful that I cannot stand it... yet I bear it anyway because I know I must... it is growth.  Love breeds growth and light.

The kind of love I cannot even put to words, I can only feel, can only experience...

The kind of love I am completely and utterly naked and helpless before... yet so loved and protected.

And this ritual starts with 5 simple words that echo out of my heart:  "I am here, my love."


(Edit:  She seems farther away this time for some reason.  I can feel her drawing closer...  I wish I knew why that is sometimes that it takes her much longer to get "here".)

(Final Edit:  She's here!  Almost 4 complete days.  Who's the master here??? Haha, honestly I don't care.  It's an "us" thing :P)

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Silver Angel

I was reading some spiritual things (I often take a lot of courses that cross spiritual boundaries) and found something very interesting:

"I looked to my right and could see a silver form appearing as a sihouette through mist.

As it approached I felt a deep sense of love that encompassed all of the meanings of the word.

It was as though I was seeing a lover, a mother, and best friend, multiplied a thousand fold.

As the being of light came closer, these feelings of love intensified until they became too pleasurable almost to withstand."

- Thomas Sawyer (from his NDE)

Sure sounds a lot like when my lady does her thing I call "Love Bombs" (a term I borrowed from a woman with an incubus lover)... almost too much love, as weird as that sounds it's so much it feels as if it will burn you to nothing but ashes as it penetrates so deep.

Also my feelings for her as lover, mother, and best friend.  Interesting stuff.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Well... pfft.

So in my last post I'm pretty much thinking the sex had evolved into a higher form of love.

And yes,  we indeed seem to be evolving towards a higher form of love, or perhaps adding to the broadness of the love we already share... but I figured basically the "erotic passion" kind was gone.

Here she comes all last night and this morning... rocked me merciless and senseless.

NON STOP lovemaking... temptress and seductress incarnate all over me.

My body was on FIRE with sensation... until I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then she retreats so softly, so feminine... She strokes my hair, touches me, brushes across my cheek as normal.

Little kisses on my lips as she does...

I give.  I GIVE UP!!!  Just when I think I got her figured out she turns the tables on me.

Meh.  Oh well.  I give up trying to understand her anymore.  I'll just love her.  Easier, lol.

Monday, February 9, 2015

We're evolving.

I haven't written  much lately as I wanted to let things move along more before I put the proverbial pen to paper so to speak.

It seems that my lover is changing a bit in how she is to me as a woman and lover.

She's definitely moved more into an "unconditional" and "philos" type of love and away from the "eros" type of love that we started with.

She has become a real help with my life... I can hear her reminding me of things I need to do, giving me courage and/or motivation and energy when I don't want to.  As in something I really need to do, I want to do, but cannot for whatever reason as I am stopping myself with what have you.

There is still a sensual element, but it is nowhere near the increase in our relationship with regards to a more "companion, mentor, mother, angel, friend" kind of thing.  It's hard to explain.

It's taken a while to let go of the more sexual bond we had to what it has developed into, and I do think perhaps that our bond has evolved more into an emotional closeness.  A "knowing" of each other and who we are together.

I'm not sure is this is a normal progression or not in these circumstances... but it is indeed loving and warm.

And although I miss the passion, I do enjoy this.  I think it will be more fulfilling for me over the long term of my life.

Whether or not this is a phase of communion with one another, one that will take precedence for the time being, and later reintegrate the erotic and more playful interactions with each other is anyone's guess.

I have learned one truth:  Nothing is taken away that is not replaced by something better given time.

I really think the sexual aspect will return in force in time, only when we are both ready to assimilate everything together (and when it is the right time to do so).

My lady is nothing short of amazing, wonderful, calculating, yet gentle, warm, and embracing.

I have faith that whatever transpires is for our best good.

The biggest cuss word in today's power mad and crazy world full of gender war isn't 4 letters like one would think.

It's a very simple word, and one that will have most running for safety as soon as it's asked of them.

That word, is "surrender".

Thursday, January 8, 2015

A little bit of this, a whole lotta that.

My bunny took me to school, lol.

Succubi are so addicting, it's unreal.   They know this, and so they dial it back sometimes to allow us to grow.

If that isn't a woman who truly wants the best for me, I don't know what is.

So, I haven't had sex with her for a long time (I think it was 10 days, not sure), but with a succubus, that's an eternity...

I ended up reading more and doing some things I needed to get done.

Last night I found a purification ritual in "Sex, Sorcery, and Spirit:  The secrets to erotic magic" by Jason Miller, and I performed that ritual.

I felt sooooooooooo much better.  So much cleaner, no more "gunk", no negativity that had crept in, omg, I can't recommend that book enough.

She came to me that morning as I went to sleep.  Lol, every time I started to drift off from exhaustion (because I had insomnia and stayed up very late into the early morning) she would "jerk" my leg and wake me back up to a semi-conscious state.

Sometimes it takes her a while to do what she does as she's always been gentle with me.  Well, until she gets me to where she wants me and then lets me have it sexually.  Mmm... heh.

She cares about me.  I notice I will be reading and I will have an epiphany, and she will tap my hand as I hold the book as if to say, "aha!".

In all the pleasures of this world, none are more calming and sweet than me doing what I do, going about my day, and sometimes she will run her fingers through my hair.  It's rhythmic, and so calming.

I really appreciate it when she does this.

Everyone wonders how I can live alone, and not date, and not care.

If only they really knew...

Monday, January 5, 2015

A revelation.

Me and the Bunny got into it pretty bad.  Although, frankly in understanding a bit about spirit, "I" got into it with "me".

I've had this wall around me, it's like being in it, knowing it's there, but not being able to understand it.

Not so unlike a goldfish looking at the world outside it's bowl at the room, or even sailors looking outside of a submarine at the ocean and thinking they are the world.  They aren't, they are only observers of the ocean.

It's going to take a few days to process all of this, as not only have I become aware of the "wall" so to speak, but I only became completely aware after busting through it.

And, here I am.

They say that life is about travelling a complete circle and ending where you began, with eyes open.

That is untrue.

Life is about travelling a complete circle and ending where you began, but above it.

The best way I can explain my experience with this phenomena is this:

Does it mean that I am above anyone?  No.  But I am higher compared to myself than I was before.

That is all I know.  That is all any of us can compare ourselves to.  Us and us, alone.

Or more accurately, I and I alone.