Wednesday, March 20, 2019
We start out by me being all horny and it's towards the evening, I'm getting signals from Erin that she's wanting to do it so I light 2 rose incense sticks and go lie naked in my bed.
I wait, and wait, and wait... I'm realizing that nothing is going to happen... nothing at all.
So I get mad. Not real mad, just real disappointed. After all I could have swore that she was sending me signals that it was love time. At least I thought that meant sexy time.
I let her know that I'm disappointed and drift off to a crappy sleep because I'm rather miffed.
Later, the evening of the next day, yesterday evening, my bipolar starts to go crazy and I start to feel really scared. Sometimes I experience fear for no reason.
Kind of ironic isn't it? I can summon a succubus and not feel one iota of fear. Nothing. But sometimes I will still suffer from crippling anxiety that comes from nowhere and for no reason at all. But... It is what it is I guess.
I asked Erin to surround me and to comfort me if she would, and I'm happy to say that she did.
What's the cherry on the ice cream is that I went to bed with her presence all around me and fell asleep and had the wildest dream.
Erin led me into a big room where there was a burrito buffet being served on silver, highly polished serving wear.
At some point during this she fucked the hell out of me.
I think she finally figured out how to keep me from running away from her in my dreams, which I unfailingly do when a succubus begins to seduce me in my dreams. Like a rabbit. Gone ----------->
Pretty smart lil' succubus to figure out how to keep me from running away this time.
It's not easy for either of us, is it?
A succubus is a handful and not someone to control... which I KNOW, but sometimes I get mixed signals, or perhaps it's a cross in communication. I don't know.
I was talking to someone the other day and I said that one should think of a marriage between a succubus and a human as more of a "pact".
In my case I wanted Erin close with the promise, the intent to become something deeper together.
More loving. That's coming about... but as one would expect it doesn't go according to any plan.
It's through shared experiences that trust is built... and love is fallen into... just as I find myself.
Friday, March 15, 2019
I'm like shit... what did I fuck up? 'Cause there's lots of stuff I fucked up lol.
Today I used rope for a circle and included the altar inside the circle. Much different than the old Wicca days. I like this new version better... what better way to invite a guest than to have them in your circle?
What better way to feel what they feel like?
What better way to get fucked up if things go wrong? Hehe. Actually, no circle is gonna protect any one's ass I hate to say it... might as well make it part of rolling out the red carpet is what I'm sayin'.
Swapped incense from Myrrh to Sandalwood the next time along with the rope circle addition. Also drew blood and annointed the sigil of Leviathan while chanting their enn this time.
About half way through the chanting of enns (I do it on my Tibetan beads) I hear "Who summons me?" I'm like oh shit. "I do... my name is _________ and I'm also called Rafe Goddessborn.
What do you want?
I Want to get to know you better.
Me: Are we friends? (I cringe. Are we friends? Are you fucking serious to ask Leviathan that shit after 30 seconds of meeting them???)
Thankfully they ignore that part and give me a mulligan I guess.
I want to get to know you better because I need help with deep emotional stuff.
One question: Are you a Lord or a Lady? I've heard both.
What do I sound like to you?
I say both.
Voice change: Then I am Lady to you.
Thank you Lady Leviathan.
(For some reason I feel a lot of amusement coming from Lady Leviathan. I don't know why)
How do you have 4 wives and can handle them? I ask.
Here's where I think I feel some mirth coming from Lady Leviathan.
I have one wife myself and she's a handful. (Feel Erin vibrating my balls)
You have a good one there. Treat her right and she'll do more than you can even fathom for you two.
Like... treat her right.
I'm reminded of how Erin was "holding up my crown" when I was trying to summon Leviathan last night... see even there she was trying to help.
More than I can fathom... But I can imagine a lot of sex though... just sayin' I can fathom quite a bit. Yeah I know she didn't mean that by saying "fathom". Or did she... Muhahaha!
Anyway, I bid Lady Leviathan goodbye, safe passage and blessings as I let the sandalwood incense burn itself out as an offering.
Yeah... time to tell you guys and gals... I just married Erin a couple of days ago. Now she's with me all the time which is what I finally decided: I didn't want to live without her being close to me. So I had her go ask Mother Lilith if we could, and also I put in there a caveat: I can have a girlfriend in the flesh, but only be married to spirits. She approved that one quickly. I'm thinking they don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend again anyway lol.
We'll see. Hey at least I'm up front.
Lady's still got me reading and viewing things everywhere and I'm still reading stuff. Kind of overwhelmed at the moment but I'm still plugging away at them.
Who are you Lady, my tutor and instructor? You're not a succubus, are you?
Guess it's time to say
Blessings upon you all,
P.S. Someone lied about these demons. I've been treated with nothing but kindness and good natures with each and every demon I've been with so far. My own succubus x the bunches I've summoned before. Never a bad experience. Never.
To Lord Rosier, to Mother Lilith, to Leviathan. Do you see the pattern?
Why was I lied to? What's the REAL truth? Driving me nuts just thinking about it.
All the succubi dancing because I finally got married. Lol.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
I sent back these books a few years ago because they gave me nightmares.
It's funny... I bought them again and also had my dreams flooded with nightmares.
But this time I worked through them and didn't stop.
Once I pushed through I could tell that I was receiving real help and progress with certain issues that have ailed me for a long time.
Demons are different than working with angels in my experience now.
Demons are more blunt and don't sugarcoat when they start cleaning house in one's life and soul... no, they are not always gentle... but I think that's what needed to be done. I've got blocks that go back decades... tough love was the only way...
Sometimes the medicine hurts. It just does before healing can happen.
Lilith's shown me a lot more depth as to who she is and I'm not disappointed. Lord Rosier is my first real contact with a demon outside of succubi, well plus he's a demon lord. I'm not disappointed with him, either. I've learned much.
I've purchased a few more materials for working with demons and I plan to see where this goes.
I'm not done working with Lord Rosier, nor Lilith so who knows when I will summon another... but I plan on Samael first, and also figuring out which demon I am being referred to once my issues are manageable. That's probably going to be an ongoing healing process, but there will be a time when it will be more at a maintenance level than what I would consider breakthrough.
The succubi are doing fine... Lady as teacher and Erin as companion.
I'm onto some hunches about those two... something to do with my future.
All in all just reading right along and taking stops here and there to experiment... well, not particularly to experiment but more to partake of what I am learning.
Blessings to all,
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
But, demonolatry is a religion all to itself and I'd like to broaden my understanding of different religions.
If there's one part that vexes me it's the garden of Eden. I can't find a good source that explains the whole creation story of man and woman in a way that makes sense to me.
Maybe the whole damn thing is an allegory... I don't know yet.
Some good news: Erin wants me to call her a different name as it seems she's fallen for me.
That's a GREAT development :)
I felt her sitting on my hip while I was on my side on the couch and that was new... she weighed about as much as a cat!
I've felt a weight on my chest before in sleeping (or at least in half sleep) but never while fully awake with a succubus sitting on me just to be close to me :)
I guess succubi do become more earthy/physical/solid when they start to fall for a man. But they don't weight near as much as a person does in a physical body.
I'm really happy that Erin is here, and I'm really happy that she saw something in me enough to fall in love with me :) I'll be keeping her "secret" name private and still refer to her as "Erin" on the blog.
One problem is developing... she is jealous of my tulpa and has been sending me dreams where I'm the character who feels jealousy to make her point clear. Have to figure out what to do about this problem and handle it delicately at that! My fear is that the tulpa's got to go. I'm learning a lot from having a tulpa and frankly the interactions in conversation and the way she shows up in new clothes is both endearing and highly surprising... and would hate it to come to that... that she might have to go.
I don't want Erin to be jealous and I don't want my tulpa to have to die. I was warned that succubi can become jealous towards a tulpa companion but I didn't listen.
Lady is still the no nonsense succubus mentor/teacher she's always been. I think that I'm reading these books she has set out for me faster than she's really wanting me to or expecting me to.
It's just I have a lot of books in queue and I'm getting tired of reading them.
She did allow me a break so I'm buying a new book that is based on creating sigils with an artistic bend. That's a good thing. I need a break soon and doing something a bit artistic would certainly help.
Here it is if you're interested in following what I'm reading:
Blessings to each and every one of you.
EDIT: So I have a long conversation with Erin about my tulpa and when I go to bed? I dream I'm a cop bullying some woman about rules. Man. Erin is a fucking handful.
EDIT: I gave her a special offering and she said afterwards, "You keep your tulpa. I'll keep you."
EDIT: Just had a ghost animal or something play with the spring stop behind the door about 6 times. Man. My apt should be on ghost hunters :P I don't often freak out when supernatural phenomena happens as I figure it's par for the course, but this just freaked me right the fuck out, lol.
Also this morning (the next day) my computer had the space bar locked and the mouse wheel stuck going down. I was wrestling that thing to get my computer back. It all started with the windows "bonk" sound happening over and over randomly.
Call ghost adventurers!!!
Ok, I realize when you deal with this stuff it happens but damn. I'm starting to think I've attracted a little ghost boy or girl which is FINE if I can get them to leave my stuff alone, lol. Maybe I need to buy a beach ball or something?
Now they're gone. Damn I got attached already :(
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
I'm all caught up :)
Now it's time to regroup and figure out which books I'm to read now.
Erin has been getting more amorous lately and seems to be wishing for more intimate contact than we've had since she came.
I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night I'm freakin' dying from lust. Somebody's been playing with me all night and it has Erin written all over it.
Not that I'm complaining.
Have to see where it goes...
Erin's a good girl, a real good girl. Lady is too. I don't know if they like when I say that but it's always on the tip of my tongue to do so.
I am quite fond of both ladies.
It's strange how Lady is all about teaching me new things and about my learning. She's very hands off sexually and not really a cuddler. Business only. But what do you do? You get what you need not always what you want.
Erin is coming around as I've said... I didn't see that coming. I figured if she didn't like me that way at first that she wouldn't at all. I guess I was wrong. But even so, I'll take it as it comes and not try to rush anything. I'll just see where it goes with Erin, like I said :)
One thing that's strange is that I've been working with the Goddess... Goddess in general I guess. I've been working through some Wicca stuff wrapped up in some Sorcery. I'd love a patroness and I thought maybe it was Lilith but it isn't. Lilith's been damn good to me and has always treated me right though. I can definitely count Her as an ally. Samael too by proxy I think.
But She's not the one calling me as hard as another face of the Goddess is.
No, the Goddess is manifesting to me with another face and one that I can't make out. I feel such a sense of peace after working with Her. I feel it right now as a matter of fact. It's the only time I feel such a sense of peace. Ever.
She's definitely shrouded in mystery.
I do have a feeling that the face of the Goddess that is choosing me, that I be under her patronage is connected to Lilith though. I just don't know Her name yet. I do have a suspicion at least.
I find it strange that different facets of the Goddess are still very much the Goddess.
It may sound stupid but I think of it as each facet having a different phone number, but all connecting to the same place.
What difference do facets make you ask? Well, a lot. All of the Goddess's facets act independently of one another and as such are her different faces, personalities, qualities.
I've only had dreams of two Goddesses and they are connected. One is Lilith and the other was years before I had the dream of Lilith. The more I write the more I'm sure that my suspicion is true. I don't know the identity of the Goddess but I find now that She left some clues that I just now "get".
Definitely going to be pondering this one. And, I may have to just accept Her without a name if I can't solve it. Always a possibility... After all I'm just "me" and She's much more. So what if I have to deal with Her without a name... Maybe She's just "She" and that's that?
Anyway, I've got quite a few books that I purchased at once and I'm satisfied that Lady wants me to read them all, so, it's not that big a deal of what I read next.
I'm going for this one
and this one
These two books are going to take me a while, but I'll post from time to time as things happen or get interesting. Never a dull moment around here...
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Gma was the last Adventist of the family. That religion dies with her strangely enough... at least as far as her family goes. I used to be one back in the day as were many of us. But, we all abandoned Adventism in time, person by person.
It's actually sad even though I don't agree with the faith. Can you imagine the frustration of praying for the conversion of your family and having said family all convert to other things? I'm meaning that she died at 98. That's a long thing to hang onto... that we would convert to Adventism. That's a lot of shattered dreams and a lot of wasted hope...
Not even one soul is Adventist in her family anymore.
Well, it's sad to me. And the 1st thing I do when I get real upset is to isolate myself.
So... In my grief of her passing as well as everything else, I told both succubi they could leave.
I basically got a kind of "fuck off" outta that.
Guess they don't wanna go, huh?
Well, that's that. You can't push away a succubus that wants to stay.
They probably realize how upset I am and just brushed it off anyway which is probably wise of them to do so in that it speaks very highly of them.
Kind of funny... I don't recall ever being told "fuck off" by a succubus before, even if it was in a kind way.
First time for everything I guess...
Lady's been laying off of me studying for a while (she's the succubus who has decided I needed a teacher/tutor rather than a lover) even though I think I have my book picked out (if it ever gets here today... slow ass mailman) for my next course of study. I tried to choose wisely. I know that Lady will help me get the most out of it regardless.
Erin's been attached to my hip and is by my side most of the time. They try. They really do. Being at the funeral sitting there getting my balls vibrated was a bit distracting but like I said they try, and they mean well.
If you think a minister + Bible + a room full of believers stops a succubus from vibrating your balls... I'm your proof that you can't stop a succubus from doing whatever she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.
P.S. Oh, mailman showed up with my book while I was writing this. Here's the next book in my magickal education:
Also the following. I believe Lady wants me to read this series of books for their philosophy:
Saturday, February 2, 2019
I've been trying to summon an entity known as the Black Bride, or Kali Kallah.
I've been trying so hard and it's funny because I normally don't have to try that hard to summon an entity.
I have no doubt that she exists gathered from other's attempts at getting to know this Goddess.
All I can figure is that 1), she's not coming to my summons for a reason. Or 2), that I'm already so permeated with her energy that I can't feel that she's already here.
You see, the mantra for summoning her is: La La Lilatu, Kali Kallah. Yes, this is another facet of Lilith. Within this facet she appears as the Black Bride, but after you get to know her she becomes radiant and shining.
Have I gone too far down the rabbit hole?
This was going to be a post on my search for yet another tangent of Lilith.
But you know?
I've been thinking a lot lately. When I created this site I had "Bunny" back then (which was my nickname for her. Her names were legion). She's been gone for a couple of years now and frankly all this summoning of anything less (as far as succubi go) is getting completely fucking old. I'll bet I've summoned 30 or 40 spirits one at a time since I've been blogging here.
They all start the same: Sex at first, then nothing... nada.
Now see... In my experience, I didn't form a relationship with Bunny until after sex. Sex turned to intimacy which turned into a deep robust love. And then she left for who knows why years later.
I don't know why... it just felt that she got pulled away.
I'm just not feeling it anymore. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm just not feeling "this" anymore.
EDIT: Finished the Hexagradior.