Friday, July 3, 2015

Longing for Source...


I find that I am longing for a Goddess I don't even know.

Described as benevolent, and dangerous:  Divine, yet Feral.

The Destroyer.  The Dark Mother.  Laughing Loudly.  Giving fear.  Removing fear.  Fond of Sacrifice.  Giving of the fruit of every possible desire.. while holding a cleaver.

Goddess of Time, Change, and Destruction.

I can feel a lot of hunger for Her:  A hunger to know.  A hunger to commune, a Hunger to... a hunger that did not come from me, but was placed there.

I never was one to do what one might consider to be intelligent regarding spiritual matters.  I close my eyes and take a fucking leap.

I am highly intelligent, but I have found it is only a self-deluding trap.  Unbridled intelligence is just as dangerous as a rock solid ego.  You cannot experience spirituality with the intellect.  You cannot receive it with the intellect, nor the ego.  We were given softer and more accurate tools of discernment than intellect, I assure you.

Love + Wisdom = Understanding.  There is no room for anything else.

I do what my heart tells me to do and fuck the consequences.  I am not afraid of ego death.  I am not afraid of death, period.  What I fear is living in illusion.

"Kali and Lilith, two geographically, historically and culturally so distant goddesses are also frighteningly very similar."

She's going to get a load of me.  Planting this hunger within me, She knew I would seek Her out, and here I come:

"If Thou dost oppose me,
Thou wilt learn what sort of mother's son I am."

Hahahaha, as Her son, if that is what I am, I'm going to be a handful.

I desire complete intimacy, even unto madness...  I do not care.

Let my journey begin toward the blessed Dark Mother (and strangely, I'm beginning to believe that my lover wasn't so... random.  I think she's a true daughter of Kali from Kali's Dark Tantra aspect) that I may know both completely, or that I may be consumed... and what my heart tells me means... "changed forever":

"Mother, am I Thine eight-months child?
Thy red eyes cannot frighten me!
My riches are Thy Lotus Feet,
which Shiva hold upon His breast;
Yet, when I seek my heritage,
I meet with excuses and delays.
A deed of gift I hold in my heart,
attested by Thy Husband Shiva;
I shall sue Thee, if I must,
and with a single point shall win.

If Thou dost oppose me,
Thou wilt learn what sort of mother's son I am.

This bitterly contested suit between the Mother and Her son-
What sport it is! says Ramprasad.
I shall not cease tormenting Thee
Till Thou Thyself shalt yeild the fight
and take me in Thine arms at last."

~ Gospel of Sri Ramakrishma, p. 673

Love and Wisdom until it fucking hurts,