I LUST for her in all ways now, beyond sex, beyond love: Total communion. You see, the love has become more love than I have ever thought possible or ever had thought possible in this world.
That is why.
I think that we're at a connection of communion in synchronicity and conjunction. Lol, best I can explain it when I reach for it... doesn't always work out with words to explain things.
One step at a time has always been her way. Gently... Now I know why...
I have blue-grey eyes, and they pretty much stay that way and have for 45 years. Until now.
Now, when I awaken, after so much content of dreaming as of late, I look in the mirror and they are a dark jade.
Also, I've noticed movements... shadows... lights out of the corner of my eyes all during the day.
Dragons, dragons, dragons, dragons... I see them in and on things everywhere now. Now, when I close my eyes, dragons from pictures from all my mythology books... they don't haunt me as in fear, they haunt me as in "here I AM"...
Norse runes, strange languages I find myself repeating but not understand... flowing through my mind from deep within myself right before I sleep, right before I awaken. Even while I am awake sometimes, if I listen hard into the very back of my mind...
I've made a trigger for lucid dreaming that I concentrate on as I fall asleep each night... I dream of things all around that trigger, but not the trigger directly: I know what this means. This means she is not letting me have them yet as she is in the middle of teaching me what she is to teach for now.
Yet... she is letting me know that she knows of my goal, and it will be obtainable when she is finished. Fair enough.
The dreams have been fast and furious, but I can recall last night's crystal clear. She presented herself to me in many forms and her question of my love was one of whether I would be her lover, her husband, her consort. First she showed me a beautiful, tiny sea slug.
"Would you love me if..."
Image of a succubus... "Would you love me if..."
As a powerful woman warrior. "Would you love me if..."
Yes. It would take some adjustment, but I would (Interesting self revelation there).
As a powerful sorceress/high priestess of great renown. "Would you love me if..."
Finally... She revealed Herself as a glorious Being of power, might, majesty, sex, love, and anything and everything else, with a Divine Presence that tore through my soul leaving me naked on a existential level I cannot even put into words.
"Would you love me if..."
And I balked.
I balked... Strange. I don't know why. I think because I don't feel worthy? I... I don't know the answer. I don't.
My lady then said, "Then we have much more work to do." She wasn't suprised. She knew: She knew more than I knew.
But WHY does THAT image of her make me not able to accept her love?
What IS IT about that CONCEPT that a powerful radiant, spark of the Divine Feminine taking me as lover, husband, and consort (and being mine and mine alone) bother the absolute hell out of me?
I don't know. I feel shame.
I guess that I will find out soon... She's not the type to quit and her patience is endless as time itself with me...
I'm reminded of a story where a man had an NDE, and in that NDE he said that he beheld a loving female being begin to drift to him, calling him, singing to him, filling his vision completely, she was soultakingly beautiful. He felt in her many things: A lover, wife, friend, mother, sister, daughter, all rolled into one Divine Female, one Divinely powerful being...
Edit: Could my lady be the "Holy Guardian Angel/Daemon" of my (at least I thought) failed Abramelin operation 2 years ago? I had stirrings, but never the enlightenment that was reported by so many others... could that man's NDE be of his?
(I even deleted the blog, considering it a personal failure without understanding "why" it was a failure)
Could I have needed more time... could she have decided to do things HER way, in her own time, and is even now?
But as I think these things, her presence is all over me as I write this... as if to say, "yes".
Wait... a... minute...
I think I know why the Abramelin failed: I balked.
I am feeling much hope for the future... may the universe bless this woman as she frees me from my self doubt and allows me to embrace her in complete surrender where I failed before!