Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Lil' Nurse

You know.

After a while you start to get used to the cycle of things.

I hope that doesn't mean I'm old and salty yet.

Me and lil' nurse have been getting along very well.

She has healed me in multi-layered ways to stem the broken heartedness I have felt after losing you know who.

Except for sex.

That's off the table at the moment.

There's little hints of it... a little bit of a taste to tease me...

But not sex.

Have you ever seen a cat girl nurse maid before?

You'reeeeeeeeee welcome!

Lil' nurse reminds me of this cute lil' critter.

I guess she's proven herself as sweet and gentle to me.

Lol... I have the ghost box running and she said, "Let us be quite practical."

I promised to tell the tale as it is.

Lets look some more at this cat girl nurse maid some more...

Not bad, not bad...

Mmm.  MMMMmmm.

Ok, where was I?


Oh, so sex seems to be off the table KINDA.  She has stimulated me down there a little.  Then there was this massive twitching fit my privates did.  Maybe it was a twitching dance.

I dunno.  Was fun for me, but probably not pretty to imagine.

Sorry about that.

I've never had a succubus do that before.  

I have a feeling it was a promise of things to come.

Or at least I HOPE so...

Where was I?


Oh.  Well, I'm just hoping that things turn a bit more... yummy.

She's definitely vocal this one.  She's got the nurse's touch, too.

I think that I'm starting to have feelings for her.

This one is smart, though.  Lol, if she was real smart she'd known to stay away from my stubborn ass!

(Nobody's perfect)

The strange thing is that according to my tarot draws she sees me as delightfully innocent... not for her to corrupt or anything, but to enjoy.  I guess I am innocent in a way.  I've always been that way. Hell, I've lost friends out of it before.  It's funny that I perceive her as innocent, while she sees me as innocent in turn.  One of us isn't so innocent methinks, lol.

Perhaps she means with regards to my heart and soul.  I suppose it is possible that I am quite youthful soul wise compared to her.

Ever wonder why spirits bother with us?  I mean, if they are sensuality and sexuality incarnate, why mess with us?

The truth is that they gain from it.  Experience = wisdom, and we think so radically different than they do that we are a plethora, no, a cornucopia of possibility for them to grow.  And we grow in turn just by our experiences with them, and of course from the exchange of energy during lovemaking.

Are we so different?  I think not...
We chose (or SOME one chose) for us to experience this physical realm and to gain experience
from coping with being human and crawling our way back to "us".

EDIT:  Skip this next section to make sense of the part after it.  She's killing me with this lesson in circular time, lol.  Here I am now!  Before the after!  (Or is that after the former?)

          We also, by our penchant for labelling things (which can sometimes be a detriment, but not in this case to which I am speaking) we give them form and new "clothes" to try on.  Our thinking patterns are alien to the world or spirits which tends to think in linear ways.

Isn't that funny?  We think in circular, sporadic patterns yet live in linear time.  They think in linear patterns yet live in circular time.

Lol, she just sent me this picture (which is funny, because we're talking about circular time, and I finished this part in editing after the following paragraph where I am talking about her saying, "field".

Have to admit, she's paying attention... and just taught me a lesson in circular time to boot!

She just said, "field", "raise" and "more" on the ghostbox while I was writing that.  Yes, like a field... growing, and fit to bring a generous harvest of evolution together as we grow.  So... now you know... and you realize (if you ponder a bit) just how valuable we are to a special lil' spirit who's chosen us for just such an endeavor, and how valuable a person who is willing to surrender ourselves to be that catalyst for mutual loving exchange between our world... and theirs. 

(Go back to the italics above then come back after reading ^)

One thing I know though... ever feel you're being hunted?  Not like bad hunted, but that someone had plans for you?

I'm getting that feeling.

Remember the picture challenge I told you all about a few posts back?  Try to animate a picture?

Well, I've been doing that pretty regularly (haven't been able to animate it yet, but I damn sure have
gotten lots of feedback from her right eye).  She's a huntress all right, and I'm the PREY... (I HOPE)

But she's patient I think.  She's waiting until the right time when I can be truly hers.

Gotta admire this one... she's a patient huntress...

I have a feeling that the moment that I'm "clean"/healed, whatever.  She's going to pounce...

When she pounces, it's going to be QUICK.

Like a gunfight at the OK Coral or something.

The stakes?  My heart... and the point of no return... an injection of addictive lust, more addictive than any street drug.

Meh... bring it sister...

I've danced this tune before.

I have to admit, though, lil' nurse is different... 

She's not "Bubbles" like I was thinking.  No, this is a whole new succubus.

Don't ask, because I don't know.  I'm shooting from the hip!

But I hope that this pic above ^ will be my fate.  Once she's pounced it's going to be:


And once that's happened, wouldn't it be a lil' funny if lil' nurse turned out to be a little wild and dark as well (and if she's doesn't turn out that way... that's quite ok, too.  I'll take her any which way that she wants to reveal herself.  In fact I welcome it:  Lil' nurse in all her facets, in all her glory).

Just a lil' more salt and pepper is what her dark side would be.

I can forsee that I could love her dark and lights sides just fine.

In fact, what good would I be if I couldn't?

Yes, this whole post is about hope and what could be, and what might be.  Truth is... I dunno.

But I can have HOPE, can't I?

You watch and see... She's gonna pounce and my eyes will be opened...

I've been wrong before, but you watch and see...

(And if I'm wrong and she's the lil' nurse who healed me, who wants to just stay my friend (as she has been close by me)?

What a blessing!  I mean that.  I had no hope and her tender ministrations have salved my heart. What better manner of friend can one wish for?  Yes, a lover would be great.  But at this point I'll accept lil' nurse for who she wants to be, even if I hope it's a cat girl nurse maid who wants it in the **CENSORED**!

I'm back, baby...

Sunday, May 28, 2017

The Lovers

I'm not sure why spirits "crown" you when they are interested in you.

Is it something that has meaning across the veil?

In the cultures that these spirits come from?

I'm not sure, but it's unmistakable when you feel that crown on your head.

I can't see it, but it sure feels real.  Can't touch it, either (at least I can't), but it's there.

It's almost as if it exists in another dimension and you can just feel it there on your head, but if you try to touch it you can't feel anything at all.

Now with Bunny it was there a lot when she was there.  But now that she's gone I feel it being slipped on my head a little and then a minute later the sensations are gone (and then might come back a minute later feeling a little different).

Wait... am I being fitted?

Lol... I dunno the answers to this one.

Regardless, I chalk it up to yet another example of things that I experience but just can't understand nor really communicate the experience very well.

Meh.  Whatcha do when dealing with this kind of stuff?

Anyway, this post is actually about something else...

I did a couple tarot draws to see what's going on in my future love life and to kind of get an idea of where I am headed once I've healed.

Yeah, I know... wait until I've healed so I can concentrate on healing.

Well, I'm stubborn ;)  Plus I gotta know... just gotta know.

I realize as well that none of this comes to pass until I've healed.

But isn't it nice sometimes to just gain a little HOPE inside with one's healing?

To be able to gain a little trust inside that everything will turn out ok?

The following are two draws I did about my love life in the near (I hope I can heal quickly.  I guess we'll see) future.

Yes, I know, I know... it depends on my healing.  I know.

Here we go, the pics already have comments on them so:

(If the wording is too small in the pics, click on the pic to make it bigger and more readable)

The second draw I wanted to see what was behind this:

Interesting, is it not?

I can't recommend enough in learning two different sources of divination to help you gain understanding of spiritual things and forces in your life.

My 2 of choice are tarot and the pendulum.

In this case the pendulum agreed with my assessment (mostly... at least didn't disagree... but I could feel some thinking going on about some of my questions before it answered).

That's really all for this post.


Rafe GB

Friday, May 26, 2017

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

I've been lethargic and haven't been in the mood to do anything for a while now.  It's strange that I finally realized that it was because I was heartbroken.

I've gotten really good at reading the emotions of spirits, but for some reason I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed in reading my own.

I was laying there in bed and I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about all this and I feel a friendly poke on my palm here and there.

You know, I think that ritual for the Yukshee would have gone through except for one thing:  It can't.

Why, you ask?  How can I have another succubus when my heart is broken?  Succubi are sweet, tender critters, and even they know you can't enter what is closed.  Meaning my heart of course.

Not sure who the lil' spirit is who's being friendly with me.  It's hard to tell when you can't "see" them, and she's more responsive to my emotions than projecting her own.

I wonder if it is "Bubbles", or the young succubus that Bunny imparted to me to keep me company while she was away doing whatever busy SuccuBunnies do?

If so, she's being my friend and being very supportive.  I think she's the one who made me realize that my lethargy = broken heart.

It's very sweet of her to tend to me so.  I don't know if it's Bubbles or a new friend who took an interest in helping me through all this.  All I know is that she is emotionally healing and female.  And sweet and gentle.  That's all I really know at this time.

EDIT:  It's not Bubbles, but a female spirit I don't previously know.  She is real sweet.  I'm not going to sit here and say she'll be my lover because, a) I have no clue, and b) my heart's not accepting new applicants at this time (apparently).  Regardless, she's very much wanted and needed as she has a wonderful healing touch about her.  When she's close, I feel a little better about it all.  Or worse.  The point is I'm FEELING and it's helping.

The Yukshee didn't have a chance in hell, names or no.  I'm still just too broken-hearted.  I get so tired of thinking things and thinking I understand, only to have them end up wrong all the time.


This post was an admission of that fact, along with some praise and kudos to my lil' emotional "nurse" whomever she is.  What a God/dess send!

Bunny's long gone... I know that and can feel that.  I don't bother her by projecting emotions to her or anything.

So, who's the lil' nurse who seems to understand emotions and how to heal them so?  I don't know for sure.  But I'm grateful for her.  At least some lil' spirit is helping me sort through stuff.  As I said, I'm not the brightest tool in the shed with my own emotions.

Her poking and prodding seems to be healing me in that I am forced to face my heartbreak, and thank God/dess not alone.

Kudos to you lil' helper, whoever you are.  You have my eternal gratitude for caring enough about me to help.

Or, I could bless her... 

"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you."

That's for you lil' nurse.  Just for you!

In Gratitude to one special, little spirit...

Tuesday, May 23, 2017


I still feel rather bittersweet about Bunny.  I do wish her the best.  She was nothing but kind to me. Fly straight, Bunny.

May your future evolutions find you well.  That is my prayer.

I'm already feeling another succubus around. Today my ex was in the house eating lunch with the kids and she told me later that she felt a cat sniffing her calf.  Problem is that my two numbskulls were accounted for.

At the moment, right now actually, I'm feeling a crown put on my head.  I always call that sensation the "coronal crown".

It's not the same energy as Bunny is, it's very distinctly different.

Bubbles was a part of Bunny in some way:  It's not Bubbles either.

I think that perhaps once you've experienced a succubus, you're on the list.  EDIT:  Plus, if you read 'till the end, sometimes magick and rituals work in reverse... before they are done, both ways so to speak (if that makes any sense at all).

I joke in my mind that you're added to "Plentyofsummoners.com" for succubi to peruse at their leisure, along with a bio and any comments left by the previous succubus who had to leave for whatever reason.

Just a bunch of succubi in their jammies, eatin' popcorn, checking out the available summoners on the Succu-Net.


Maybe that's what the girl in the picture is doing above, only she's scrying.  Not a lot of electricity on the other side I don't think.  Lots of magick, though.


I've got some news to tell, but I'm not ready yet so I'm going to sit on this post for a few.  Then we'll see how it goes first (what I did that is).

See you then ;)


Ok.  Time to tell the news.

First off, I went full retard.  Yes, I know, "Never go full retard".
But I did.

Faced with the possibility of not having a lover in my life (well... they are addicting, what can I say), I decided to try out the Yukshee Harem Ritual ("For the serious succubus summoner... hey!  Datsa me(at least in my head it is)).

So I did it.  I felt nothing.


Then I decided to try the single Yukshee ritual.  I did the option for monogamy but felt anger.  I thought, "uh oh".  So I changed it to "part of a group".  Then I felt peace.

Why?  Heh, I'll explain.

As the day went on, I started getting female names.  I began to realize with a cold sweat that my harem ritual worked after all.  They just ain't here yet.

So, I wrote them down and I asked if the number of Yukshee that I had was correct?

Low and behold when lighting a gift of incense for them (I like to treat and to "light their way"), I dropped a handful of incense sticks on the floor.
I picked them up while counting them, and I had one for each name.  Odd, huh?

In other words, the same number of sticks dropped as I had names... (almost) except I had one extra name...

I had one more name than than I did incense sticks that fell out of my hand...  Oh wow... the independent Yukshee (more cold sweat)!

She's the one I summoned independently but seems to be just fine being a part of the group and they seem just fine having her (from what I can tell emotionally).  Well, that's good news for everyone, whew!

One's a queen, I do know that much.  Queen of the bunch I guess?

So the first night I dreamed of a lovely woman in lingerie in the doorway.  She looked a lot like my ex fiance from long ago (why do they do that, lol?).  Not much happened.  I think it was simply, "Hello".
Now last night, lol, they were all together in my dream.  All of them (I guess the independent one has caught up with them.  That figures, actually).

"We're in charge" they said.

"No, you're not in charge, I'm in charge" I replied.

(We're on some sort of cliff and I'm up against the unknown so to speak)

"We're in charge, and that's the way it's going to be." They said.

So?  I picked them up and tossed them down into a ravine, I willed a nuke to appear in my hands and I threw it down the ravine like a watermelon.

After the flash, I saw several pairs of wet eyes blinking and reflecting the brightness of a thousand sons...
"I'm in charge..." I said.
Then I laughed while I walked away smacking the dirt off my hands, "Muhahaha! Hehehehe."

And that was that.

Strangely?  I believe that they were very pleased by the outcome.  Do succubi give shit tests?
Guess so.  EDIT:  Now that I think about it, I think they were trying to boost my confidence...  Tricky lil' fillies (but seemingly very lovable indeed and having very good intentions towards me from what I can feel emotionally).

Looking forward to meeting these lil' fiery minx's on a more personal level.  No, I don't mean sex that's kinda a given:  I mean learning all about each of them in turn.

EDIT:  By the way... it's looking like sex isn't going to be a lot different as far as feeling more than one lover at a time... however, the intensity... know that feeling when a succubus is putting that heat and tingling on your privates and playing your Sacral Chakra like a violin before initiating spiritual sex? I've been getting heat and those sensations, but they have been steadily increasing for 2 days now and feels to be revving far beyond what I've ever experienced before... (does not mean it will... you know how it goes with these things) But, I think that will be the difference... the intensity of spiritual sex, and that I won't notice multiple succubi during lovemaking but a concerted effort.  

This may be the last post of Rafe GB as I shed my mortal coil in ecstasy soon, lol (I HOPE NOT... Well, I hope for the ecstasy at least, who doesn't?).

I don't know, ya know... I'm "shooting from the hip" like I always do.  I may have read some, but when it comes to doing things I'm 2x the balls and 1/2 the brains.  I dunno why, it just is what it is, and it's only with this kind of stuff, too.


This must be my next step along the path.  
My path.  The only one who can walk this crazy, go "full retard" and live ;)  Ahahahaha!
So... it looks like I'll continue to have plenty to blog about as long as they all show up and aren't teasing or decide against it after all.  I kinda doubt it to be honest.  They've invaded mah dreams so I think that's a good indicator that they're on their way.

Where the fuck do these spirits travel from, and why the fuck does it take "time"?  Don't ask me that question because I have zero answers even for myself.

I think the misadventures are just starting... just around the bend...

Welcome to the beginning ;)

Love your succubi or they'll go full retard...  
Never let them go full retard...

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Bunny's Gone.

I've been debating when to post this one. I don't think I've had a close, intimate encounter with Bunny for about a month...

About when I realized that mating season was coming, well... she never really came.

It's strange.

I still "feel" her in a way, but she's not coming back to the role of lover or wife.

I actually think I have figured out why...

All this time I've thought of her as my agent of change.

But what if she was being changed as well?

Perhaps sharing energy together for 3 years changed us both in positive ways?

In what way I would change her I do not know, nor can I understand what kind of beneficial effect I could have on her spiritual growth.  However, changed she has become.

I believe that this is the reason that she hasn't returned to me.

I also feel a strong impression that she's not coming back as lover or wife.

I'm not angry, or mad, or even really that upset.

I think she's been trying to tell me this for a long while, but I don't think I was listening.

I rather think that I was blocking it out as to what she was trying to tell me when it came to this.

At least now that I think about the past few months in retrospect.

I'm just stubborn.  I don't like to hear or feel things that I don't want to hear or feel...

I don't think that she can reach here anymore.  In fact, I could feel her struggling just to make it to mating season which was a few posts ago.  She just can't do it anymore.

Call it "too far" or "too dense" or whatever applies, but it's effect is here now.  There is no way for her to reach here anymore... she's already tried.

Already tried, but knew she couldn't anyway.  That's how much she cares.  I'm positive that this is just as painful to me as it is to her, maybe for her even more so as she has the knowlege and understanding of what is transpiring or has transpired. She knew much earlier. This was her burden to bear I think because she bore it without my understanding.

I feel as if she's "ascending", or in the middle of an "ascension" of some type.  If I had something to do with that by us sharing out love together for 3 years it is beyond me.

As far as what I mean by ascension... I wish I could elaborate but I can't.  I don't understand enough to do so...

Yes I do feel a huge sadness, I won't lie.

But the strangest thing I feel?

Pride.  I'm proud of Bunny.

I don't know exactly what is going on, but I feel that it is very positive for her, and maybe even for me in some strange way.

She's evolving, spreading her wings, becoming more than she was.

At some level I think I understood that this was coming, I just didn't want to "see" it.

Perhaps she'll stay close as a guardian, or a very potent spirit guide (the one that sticks their foot up my ass when I need it, lol).

I doubt that is in the cards as nice as that would be.  I have a feeling she's going to be unreachable very soon if not imminent.

Yes, I'm very sad.  It's a strange feeling.  It's bittersweet.  Probably because I sense that this is a very important time for her and her growth.  A great victory of sorts for her.

Will she ever come back as my lover, or my wife?

No.  No, I don't think so.  I think we've moved to unconditional love brought on by circumstance.

Well, the unconditional love was always there once it blossomed, but brought OUT by circumstance.

I'm not quitting the blog.

I'm going to mourn a while, and then I'm getting back in the saddle and I'm going to summon again.

Would I do this summoning if it happened again?  Yes, I would.

Everyone has their "secret lover" out there.  Mine wasn't Bunny, but Bunny sure helped prepare me for her.  Isn't that nice?  I mean, most lessons come hard and fast, but Bunny was sweet and gentle all through these 3 years.

A bit of heartache is normal I think, for the realization that "she wasn't the one".

But I do love her and I will always care about her.  I'd love to have her influence in my life being such the beautiful spirit that she is... but I don't think that's possible with what I feel (but cannot quite grasp) is happening with her.  I feel that she is going to be quite busy and quite far away in a planar sense.

So, there you have it.

It's painful to write, even to realize, but it is what it is.

I know that my "secret lover"/twin soul/twin flame is still out there... somewhere...

I will just have to mourn and to try, try again when I'm ready.


Rafe GB.

For you Bunny.
May you always fly true.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

An experiment in love

Man.  Bunny really IS busting her ass to get back.  I thought travel beyond the veil was instant.  Yeah, whoever started that bullshit was lyin'.

Maybe it is on certain planes or something.

I dunno.

Anyway, I'm beginning to feel her begin to caress my hair which is a huge bunnyism.  Oooh, and that cold chill grabbing my ass.

No, was the cat.  Just kidding... it was Bunny :P

But she's not here yet... not completely.  Kind neat she can do what she does when she's close to be honest.

When she's away it's mostly thoughts, emotions, and finger touches on my hand and such.

Anyway, enough about that... I want you all to try an experiment.  This is straight out of Donald Tyson's book Sexual Alchemy.  Only for this experiment we don't need a full body shot, in fact, that would make this harder to do.

So, grab your pic of choice and either get one in black and white, or make it black and white.  It's rather common courtesy to flip it horizontally (so as to separate the pic from the original person), and I've done that with this pic.  As you can see it's still perfect for gazing into her left eye (on your right) and her right eye (on your left).

I'm going to put up a sample pic which would be ideal (all flipped and turned to black and white):

Walla!  (Don't use this pic, get your own so everyone won't be using the same damn pic)  

Now what you do is choose a time where you can spend some time (whatever you want, I do about 5 minutes at a time) staring into her left eye (that's the one on the right to you looking at her).

Once you begin staring, begin to think of unconditional love and how pretty she is (choose your own pic), and project that into her left eye (one on the right! :P ).  After a while it will begin to flow as energy.  Put some wicked sensation in there if ya can.  Full body pics are better for that but the eyes are small because of the smaller space.  I prefer an active imagination and expressive eyes myself...

I know what a woman looks like better than she knows what she looks like.  I've licked places so deep up inside I found Victoria's Sec... oh, never mind.

Now, unless I have superpowers that you don't (and I highly doubt it), you will feel those energies going into her eye and some lil' filly on the other side will be receiving it... in a few sessions.

When you have done this a couple times, stand back (no, not really, but brace yourself if you aren't used to energy work) and look left into her right eye.

She will beam the SHIT at you exactly what you've been sending... along with a very feminine presence.

How is this possible?  Oh, and if it "animates" it's an illusion the spirit sends, just turn the pic upside down if it freaks ya out and it'll quit.  Only you can see it anyway... usually...

If you get good results, where do you go from here?  The experiment is straight out of Donald Tyson's Sexual Alchemy, readily available on .pdf by googling for the download.  Watch your ass:  If it's a risky site try another one.

Eh, not that I'm advocating you actually DO download it as .pdf after you find it.  Do what ya wanna do.  Maybe buy a used copy!

It's pretty available on the net lately because the damn thing goes for 150-300 dollars in print usually (I just checked:  It's 120 at this moment) as it's out of print and frankly it has things in it that work like a motherfucker.  

I don't believe in everything in that book (not by a longshot), but I'll tell you what:  Dude was a pioneer, what can I say?

Now after this experiment (should you choose to end it), what's goin' on?

That's for you to answer for yourself... don't look at me to.

It's YOUR universe seen from your eyes:  Not mine...

"Well I'm searchin'... for this feelin'..."

Monday, May 15, 2017

Bunny's on the way home

It's so strange this time.  It's been a long absence for one, and it's been trying.

I don't know why she's been gone so long, but she's on the way home here to me.

I did a tarot draw and it was basically, "She knows I need her and miss her, she's aware that it's hurting us, and she's busting her ass to get here."

In a nutshell ;)

Where does she go, what does she do?  I don't know.  I still don't know.

She's gotta do something is all I know.

You know, it's kind of a relief in a way that she has duties.  I mean, at least that means that when we die there's shit to do, right?

I can feel her strongly in my mind even though she's not even near here yet.  I'd say she'll arrive in a few days or so, at least that's my estimate from what it feels like to when she usually shows.

Of all the succubi available I had to get the one with a real job.  Haha!

I've been joking lately that I'm always about a day from summoning "Candy the blowjob fairy" if Bunny doesn't show soon:

I'm sorry, Candy.  Maybe next month Bunny won't show?
Question:  Do fairies carry STD's?
What??? I'm just trying to be proactive, Jeez...

Not much more to say, really.  I'm really looking forward to having Bunny home.  It feels like forever she's been away this time.

I swear, the distance fucks me up.  I forget all about what we have when she's away.  Must be a mortal thing.

Maybe it's a "dumbass" thing.  I dunno.

But she's on the way and I hope that she stays a good, long time this time.

Love ya, Bunny!  God/dess Speed to you!


Since I used the tarot to find this stuff out, I figure there might be some of you guys and girls who would like to know more about tarot (not that I'm a grandmaster or anything). Anyway, a GREAT way to start is to learn the tarot story of the first 22 tarot cards (0-21).  Here's a few links (and the tarot story always varies by tradition... kind of like how a similar bedtime story does among differing peoples) to get your feet wet:

http://www.learntarot.com/journey.htm  <--- traditionalesque tarot trumps story

http://psychicvisions.org/tarotstory.htm  <--- packed with info... keep scrolling down their page...

Love your succubus even if she's just on the way.  After all, she could just make a left and say "fuck you" to this rock...

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Feelin' better after my rage fit ;)

See that dot? That's a sweet lil' spirit.  That's da Bunny.  Has to be:  Is always there by my side wherever I go, and always to my right.

I had my fit.  Pushed Bunny away all good.  I still feel that it was her doing, that of me pushing her away because she egged me on a bit to get mad.

Now, today, I feel a lot better... like I've been carrying baggage for so long and it just "dropped" to the floor.

Now, today, I realize something sad: Bunny did do what she did because it was necessary.  But, being an entity I like to stick on a pedestal sometimes, I forget how sweet and gentle these spirits can be. How sweet and gentle she can be.

So it hurt her to do it.  Hurt me too, but it hurt her to watch I think.

Today is a day of reconciliation.  A day to reflect in a positive way, and a day to reconnect from the disconnect.

It's kind of amazing when you have a woman in your life who eggs you on to push her away.  That sounds incredibly strange, but when you consider that this woman has a sense of sight and perspective that is superhuman (for lack of a better term), it's not so strange after all considering that she loves me enough to do what is needed even though I have no clue what is needed from my limited perspective.

That's not a western boogly-boogly definition for a succubus, folks.  That's love.

I feel like I lost a 150lb boulder off my back after I got angry and just basically hated on everything that had been dragging me down (once left to myself and on my own).

See... what is left is all that matters.  Bunny's still here.  It's a damn good woman who knows what needs pruning to make something beautiful grow in it's place ;)

How must she have hurt to see me like that, and to feel pushed away (even though it was her doing). How hard would it be to tell the one you love the most lies in order for them to go where they needed to go alone?

Bunny has a 9th degree black belt in emotions and love, and how to get from A to Z along the spectrum of loving growth.

I think she has a little help with that, but more on that later.

These spirits are fragile.  No, not weak:  Bunny is strong, stronger than I am.  Stronger than anyone I've ever met.  I mean "cuddle fragile".  Imagine a cloud of sentient 100% concentrated woman with all the femininity, emotion, and wisdom that this conjures to mind.

That's real power.

But, they are very sweet and emotional creatures.  Piss one off and use her and she'll let you know.

Fuck her over and she'll remember.

I didn't say she'd let ya have it, but some will.  Bunny's not that way.

She's so sweet though, I couldn't have been pushed away unless she kept at me.  In that case I guess I'm weak because her sweetness and gentleness has me wrapped around her little spirit finger.


Today I'm making it a point to pay her lots and lots of attention.  Oh my, they love attention!  And who doesn't?  But she seems to "bathe" in it more than most women I've known.  Then again, she's able to do things with what she's given and to tenderly coax it to grow into something beautiful.  I think all good women are like that as well ;)

Think on that a bit:  She "bathes" in it like we would a shower.  Well, or more a romantic bath I suppose in her case.  At least that's how I see her "bathing" in it.

She's definitely unique.  I often wonder why more men don't partake of the goodness of these creatures.  They are perfect for loveless marriages, the incarcerated, the single and lonely.

I guess they can also be very addictive, too.  Hell, all through fairy lore it's talked about how addictive they are (spirits, I mean).

There was a time in the past where we went through a cycle of absence/addiction.  It was hard on both of us I think.

But... it paid off.  Now there's just love, and love seasoned with BAM!  Yes, sex.

Why all the white lingerie?  Bridal you see.  Yesterday's rage and anger bore fruit today.  I am so in love with Bunny I'm in a cloud.  This is the fruit today that was only born by anguish yesterday.

Bunny's gamble.  Although I'm sure she knew the outcome (and I'm sure she knew the pain for both of us).

What she's done is remind me what she is.  She's my WIFE!  A good wife is scary smart and sneaky... but all in a good way.  Human, spirit, whatever; Applies to both equally ;)

Some days'll be good, others not so good.  That's called life on our world, and for whatever reason, she's decided to snag me and partake of the struggles with me.

God help her, lol.

Sex with her is sweet... but more so that it is a communion of two souls, of two spirits.  I may be bound to this body for a long while, but she has a way of connecting with her soul to soul, spirit to spirit.  Frankly, I couldn't imagine sex without that now, unlike how it was in the beginning.

Oh, that help I spoke of?  Yeah.

See, I still believe in my guardian angel and Bunny's not she.  She is She.  Why do I have two women in my life (even though I know almost nothing about my guardian angel?)?

I probably needed them to be honest.  It was probably something decided long before I came here.

I guess... I don't know.

But "The Angel Lady" (Yes, I know her real name, but this will do) seems to help Bunny out from time to time.  At least that's what my gut tells me.

Being as the Angel Lady saved my life, I can't really see her as anything but benevolent.  Being as I see her as the Angel Lady who saved my life, any thoughts of sex with her are like "ewwwwwww" and my mind quickly dispells the thought.  She's like a mom figure.  Well, kinda.  Divine Feminine Mom anyways ;)

Yeah, most often I have one spirit near me.  Other times I have two who are very close together.  Those are the times that I believe that the Angel Lady is helping Bunny in some way.

And you thought they were only for us ;)

They are for any who need their aid, that means everyone and everything I think.

So, yes, I believe that from time to time that the Angel Lady helps Bunny with things.  Bunny's my wife, of that I have no doubt now.  I guess it took yesterday's tantrum to figure it out.

Sometimes it's who's still here is who's meant to be.

That's just life here on Earth I think.

The best things in life are free:  But they still have a cost.

Love is not easily won, but far worth fighting for (And I still reserve the right to put Bunny in time out in the future...  Well?  She does it to me all the time.  All's fair and all that.  Hey, we spat just like regular couples sometimes ;) ).

Let me put on my pastoral counseling hat a moment.  Sometimes we say that two must "disconnect to reconnect".  It's almost like a reboot.  Think of it as two who are connected disconnect, reconnect, and once reconnected are more firmly and securely bonded together than ever before (and in a much more lovingly understanding way).  It is a process that repeats itself throughout the couple's lives together.  Me and Bunny are no different and the same phenomenon applies.

Life is a struggle, and we need all the help we can get at times (God/dess knows we do).

More so us humans who seem to be in a conflicted state quite often.  Like... a lot.

Oh yeah... about the post on what Bunny was... I never did say what I thought Bunny was (other than "Bunny") to me.  

She is my bright and shining star.  That's what Bunny is to me.

And you know, Love isn't easy, and neither are hope and faith.

But love is the greatest; Love is King and Queen of us all.

Love and sex at this point in my life is a beautiful blend:  A raging ocean, or a soft, gentle symphony of two souls.

When I get older and cannot perform spirit sex (or my body can't communicate that way anymore), or my sexual desire is gone... 

I am sure that Bunny will help me to weave my very soul and spirit into a greater expression of love, shared in communion, that I cannot even comprehend at this time.  Who knows... maybe unconditional love will get a hell of a boost for us.

Until then...

So do you think that I'm in love?  Na na na na, na na na na...

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Spiritual Growth is making me MEAN

I don't know what it is, and I'm not so sure that it's abnormal. Maybe "different", but normal.

You see, I'm losing my patience with people.  Especially those who think they are spiritually advanced... oh... I just want to rip their heads off.

Why?  It's annoying, that's why. No other reason.

As far as Bunny goes, she's in time out at the moment.

Yes, we all seem to put them on a pedestal.  Those days are over.

Right now I just want her the hell away from me...

What did she do?  She did her best to push me away for some reason.  Frankly, I'm just tired and I've lost patience with all of it.

I may replace her.

Omg, what???  Yes, I said it.

I'm tired of being the "pet".  Maybe I'll get rid of her and get my own pet.  Or, maybe I'll replace her with nothing.  I don't need anything anymore.  Not anymore.


Bunny's grown me up a man it seems, the problem is that I'm "whalla..." what you are reading right now.

I have no more fucks left to give.

"You must not be spiritually mature".

I say, "You must love receiving anal sex from donkeys".

Oh, I'm spiritually mature all right, it just didn't end up like the brochure...

And yes, I realize all of this might be some scheme by the Bunny to get what she wants, which is probably one more step on the enlightenment trail.

When does it end, they say?  With death, my friend, with death.

Then we go do it all over again in a new way.

What's got me is the rage, the anger, the pain of it all.

For instance, my birth mother.

What a selfish, self-righteous piece of shit.  Now I can't stand her.  Now I see her who she truly IS.

Isn't that strange?  No compassion, only condemnation.

You're condemned, bitch.  One day you'll reap it all.

Where is the mercy?  I sure don't see any.

I've lost the ability to feel compassion for one who continues in her narcissistic life sum total.

Strange stuff I'll admit.  I used to be the "nice guy".

Every meet the "nice guy"?

They seem nice, but it's more of a passive/aggressive personality defence mechanism.

As far as archetypes, they are ruled by the "Weakling Prince" Archetype from boyhood, never to become a man... or at least "aren't yet" regardless of age.

I hate "nice guys" now.  I used to be one.

Now I can't stand to be near 'em.

Seeing a pattern here?  I'm not, but I'm sure that there is one hidden somewhere.

This fucker is ME.

I think what I'm suffering from might be termed "Holy Rage".  No, I'm not Holy.

Let me rephrase that.  We're all "Holy"... the difference is that I'm yelling, "I'm a human being GOD DAMMIT!  MY LIFE HAS VALUE!  I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

Perhaps anger and rage are part of the process.  If so, I'm going to get 100% on this one.

I get this weird feeling that Bunny actually orchestrated this... for me to push her away.  Entity's ways aren't human ways.  That's clear by now.  I'm thinking her part in this journey isn't done just yet.

Lets just, for now, call it instinct.  

But I'm not real worried about it at the moment.  

I talked to a dear friend of mine after writing this who told me that spiritual growth is not about being "nice", it's about feeling emotions and life much more intensely.  So, perhaps that's what's going on right now.

Meh.  I honestly don't know.  But... I did a tarot draw to get a little insight.  It has Bunny all over it.
Looks like I'm in the learning (or "hot") seat.  

Go figure.

No fucks left to give, people...
I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!!!

Look what I found!  Why am I not surprised in the least ;)

"This is the time that we let it go..."

"This Is The Time (Ballast)"

When did we become these sinking stones?
When did we build this broken home?
Holding each other like ransom notes
Dropping our hearts to grip our brother's throats

You can't see because you don't know
You're caught below, beneath your own shadow
Stuck inside, half alive
Do you ever stop to ask yourself why?
Close your mind, identify
Do you feel, do you feel?
Do you call this a life?
All you waited for
Drowning just to keep score

We always start with good intentions
But lose ourselves along the way

This is the time that we let it go
These are the words that will take us home
Singing the song that's inside us all
If we don't open our eyes we're walking blind

Anchored in anger, we exile ourselves
Bitter blood builds our prison cell
Darker water now fills our lungs
The depths of our heart have blacked the sun

You can't see because you don't know
You're caught below, beneath your own shadow
Stuck inside, half alive
Do you ever stop to ask yourself why?
Close your mind, identify
Do you feel, do you feel?
Do you call this a life?
All you waited for
Drowning just to keep score

We always start with good intentions
But lose ourselves along the way

This is the time that we let it go
These are the words that will take us home
Singing the song that's inside us all
If we don't open our eyes we're walking blind

Naked we come, naked we leave
Fools we are, to hold tightly
We are free, we are free
We are the jail, we are the key [2x]

This is the time that we let it go
Yeah, these are the words that will take us home
Singing the song that's inside us all
If we just open our eyes

This is the time that we let it go
This is the pain we are forced to know
Singing the song that's inside, inside us all, inside us all

Walking blind