Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Spiritual Growth is making me MEAN


I don't know what it is, and I'm not so sure that it's abnormal. Maybe "different", but normal.

You see, I'm losing my patience with people.  Especially those who think they are spiritually advanced... oh... I just want to rip their heads off.

Why?  It's annoying, that's why. No other reason.

As far as Bunny goes, she's in time out at the moment.

Yes, we all seem to put them on a pedestal.  Those days are over.

Right now I just want her the hell away from me...



What did she do?  She did her best to push me away for some reason.  Frankly, I'm just tired and I've lost patience with all of it.

I may replace her.

Omg, what???  Yes, I said it.

I'm tired of being the "pet".  Maybe I'll get rid of her and get my own pet.  Or, maybe I'll replace her with nothing.  I don't need anything anymore.  Not anymore.

***

Bunny's grown me up a man it seems, the problem is that I'm "whalla..." what you are reading right now.

I have no more fucks left to give.

"You must not be spiritually mature".

I say, "You must love receiving anal sex from donkeys".

Oh, I'm spiritually mature all right, it just didn't end up like the brochure...

And yes, I realize all of this might be some scheme by the Bunny to get what she wants, which is probably one more step on the enlightenment trail.

When does it end, they say?  With death, my friend, with death.

Then we go do it all over again in a new way.

What's got me is the rage, the anger, the pain of it all.

For instance, my birth mother.

What a selfish, self-righteous piece of shit.  Now I can't stand her.  Now I see her who she truly IS.

Isn't that strange?  No compassion, only condemnation.

You're condemned, bitch.  One day you'll reap it all.

Where is the mercy?  I sure don't see any.

I've lost the ability to feel compassion for one who continues in her narcissistic life sum total.

Strange stuff I'll admit.  I used to be the "nice guy".

Every meet the "nice guy"?

They seem nice, but it's more of a passive/aggressive personality defence mechanism.

As far as archetypes, they are ruled by the "Weakling Prince" Archetype from boyhood, never to become a man... or at least "aren't yet" regardless of age.

I hate "nice guys" now.  I used to be one.

Now I can't stand to be near 'em.

Seeing a pattern here?  I'm not, but I'm sure that there is one hidden somewhere.

This fucker is ME.




I think what I'm suffering from might be termed "Holy Rage".  No, I'm not Holy.

Let me rephrase that.  We're all "Holy"... the difference is that I'm yelling, "I'm a human being GOD DAMMIT!  MY LIFE HAS VALUE!  I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

Perhaps anger and rage are part of the process.  If so, I'm going to get 100% on this one.

I get this weird feeling that Bunny actually orchestrated this... for me to push her away.  Entity's ways aren't human ways.  That's clear by now.  I'm thinking her part in this journey isn't done just yet.

Lets just, for now, call it instinct.  

But I'm not real worried about it at the moment.  

I talked to a dear friend of mine after writing this who told me that spiritual growth is not about being "nice", it's about feeling emotions and life much more intensely.  So, perhaps that's what's going on right now.

Meh.  I honestly don't know.  But... I did a tarot draw to get a little insight.  It has Bunny all over it.
Looks like I'm in the learning (or "hot") seat.  

Go figure.



No fucks left to give, people...
I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!!!

Look what I found!  Why am I not surprised in the least ;)





"This is the time that we let it go..."


"This Is The Time (Ballast)"


When did we become these sinking stones?
When did we build this broken home?
Holding each other like ransom notes
Dropping our hearts to grip our brother's throats

You can't see because you don't know
You're caught below, beneath your own shadow
Stuck inside, half alive
Do you ever stop to ask yourself why?
Close your mind, identify
Do you feel, do you feel?
Do you call this a life?
All you waited for
Drowning just to keep score

We always start with good intentions
But lose ourselves along the way

This is the time that we let it go
These are the words that will take us home
Singing the song that's inside us all
If we don't open our eyes we're walking blind

Anchored in anger, we exile ourselves
Bitter blood builds our prison cell
Darker water now fills our lungs
The depths of our heart have blacked the sun

You can't see because you don't know
You're caught below, beneath your own shadow
Stuck inside, half alive
Do you ever stop to ask yourself why?
Close your mind, identify
Do you feel, do you feel?
Do you call this a life?
All you waited for
Drowning just to keep score

We always start with good intentions
But lose ourselves along the way

This is the time that we let it go
These are the words that will take us home
Singing the song that's inside us all
If we don't open our eyes we're walking blind

Naked we come, naked we leave
Fools we are, to hold tightly
We are free, we are free
We are the jail, we are the key [2x]

This is the time that we let it go
Yeah, these are the words that will take us home
Singing the song that's inside us all
If we just open our eyes

This is the time that we let it go
This is the pain we are forced to know
Singing the song that's inside, inside us all, inside us all

Walking blind


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