About when I realized that mating season was coming, well... she never really came.
I still "feel" her in a way, but she's not coming back to the role of lover or wife.
I actually think I have figured out why...
All this time I've thought of her as my agent of change.
But what if she was being changed as well?
Perhaps sharing energy together for 3 years changed us both in positive ways?
In what way I would change her I do not know, nor can I understand what kind of beneficial effect I could have on her spiritual growth. However, changed she has become.
I believe that this is the reason that she hasn't returned to me.
I also feel a strong impression that she's not coming back as lover or wife.
I'm not angry, or mad, or even really that upset.
I think she's been trying to tell me this for a long while, but I don't think I was listening.
I rather think that I was blocking it out as to what she was trying to tell me when it came to this.
At least now that I think about the past few months in retrospect.
I'm just stubborn. I don't like to hear or feel things that I don't want to hear or feel...
I don't think that she can reach here anymore. In fact, I could feel her struggling just to make it to mating season which was a few posts ago. She just can't do it anymore.
Call it "too far" or "too dense" or whatever applies, but it's effect is here now. There is no way for her to reach here anymore... she's already tried.
Already tried, but knew she couldn't anyway. That's how much she cares. I'm positive that this is just as painful to me as it is to her, maybe for her even more so as she has the knowlege and understanding of what is transpiring or has transpired. She knew much earlier. This was her burden to bear I think because she bore it without my understanding.
I feel as if she's "ascending", or in the middle of an "ascension" of some type. If I had something to do with that by us sharing out love together for 3 years it is beyond me.
As far as what I mean by ascension... I wish I could elaborate but I can't. I don't understand enough to do so...
Yes I do feel a huge sadness, I won't lie.
But the strangest thing I feel?
Pride. I'm proud of Bunny.
I don't know exactly what is going on, but I feel that it is very positive for her, and maybe even for me in some strange way.
She's evolving, spreading her wings, becoming more than she was.
At some level I think I understood that this was coming, I just didn't want to "see" it.
Perhaps she'll stay close as a guardian, or a very potent spirit guide (the one that sticks their foot up my ass when I need it, lol).
I doubt that is in the cards as nice as that would be. I have a feeling she's going to be unreachable very soon if not imminent.
Yes, I'm very sad. It's a strange feeling. It's bittersweet. Probably because I sense that this is a very important time for her and her growth. A great victory of sorts for her.
Will she ever come back as my lover, or my wife?
No. No, I don't think so. I think we've moved to unconditional love brought on by circumstance.
Well, the unconditional love was always there once it blossomed, but brought OUT by circumstance.
I'm not quitting the blog, nor am I quitting SASPA (the little "do it yourself" magick program I created).
I'm going to mourn a while, and then I'm getting back in the saddle and I'm going to summon again.
Would I do this summoning if it happened again? Yes, I would.
Everyone has their "secret lover" out there. Mine wasn't Bunny, but Bunny sure helped prepare me for her. Isn't that nice? I mean, most lessons come hard and fast, but Bunny was sweet and gentle all through these 3 years.
A bit of heartache is normal I think, for the realization that "she wasn't the one".
But I do love her and I will always care about her. I'd love to have her influence in my life being such the beautiful spirit that she is... but I don't think that's possible with what I feel (but cannot quite grasp) is happening with her. I feel that she is going to be quite busy and quite far away in a planar sense.
So, there you have it.
It's painful to write, even to realize, but it is what it is.
I know that my "secret lover"/twin soul/twin flame is still out there... somewhere...
I will just have to mourn and to try, try again when I'm ready.
For you Bunny.
May you always fly true.