Sunday, December 7, 2014
Why do I care so much?
I gave him a bit of an earful about not inviting me to the wedding, even though it was very private and honestly just a legal ceremony.
Still, I've known the fella for most of my life. I felt a bit slighted.
I guess he felt defensive so he told me I could come over anytime and bring my girlfriend.
Well, he knows nothing about my Succubus, so what he was trying to do was shame me? Make me feel less of a person? Something or another.
The thing I DON'T get is... it stung. A lot.
I'm as happy as can be with my Succubus... in fact I'm sure that when I die my relationship will continue with her. I've grown to much with her to even consider otherwise.
So, why did his comments hurt so much?
I think, honestly, because I still worry about what others think. About what other's perceive.
Is it ego? Jealousy?
I honestly don't know. Maybe both. Maybe more.
I do know that my Succubus is very supportive of my doubt... she doesn't take any slight to my feeling jealous... I think it's more that she understands how I feel (you can't hide anything from them... better just to be up front with them in the first place, because they know your thoughts).
There's a part of us here that just wants to fit in. And society's expectations are hard to forget.
Truthfully, we're here for our own growth and society's wishes be damned... but it's not easy to let go of social mores when they are indoctrinated since birth.
At least she's understanding with me. I wonder what a flesh and blood girlfriend would think if she knew I was jealous? I doubt she would be as understanding, nor love me as much as my Lady does for WHO I am, not WHAT I am.
It's a wonderful blessing, but it is hard to accept sometimes. Social conditioning is a powerful drug to overcome. We all wish to be accepted. Especially from our mothers, fathers, siblings, friends, etc.
That's why it's such a powerful force to fully awaken and escape from. It will probably take my whole life to do so completely. I AM glad that I am in a relationship that has eternity as it's focus.