As I've been researching and adding links to my resources listed on the right of the page, I've also been performing them (as much as possible).
The only way I know that I've been successful (or in this case, would have been successful) is my wonderful Succubunny basically popping in and saying, "TADAA..."
I know that sounds rather rediculous, but hell... what does this whole blog sound like in relation to reality, anyway?
It is what it is. It's kind of like magick: Magick works. Fuck if I know why.
I've studied magickal theory for some years now, but in the end, I'm the first to admit: "Fuck if I know why".
Nothing works perfectly along with theory, nothing works perfectly along the lines of belief.
*Begin ramble alert*
It's kind of like what I posted (on a completely unrelated topic) on Facebook today: "Just when I think reality has reached a new level of retarded, someone or something happens to (besides making me facepalm) lower my standards as to just how retarded reality really is.
So even though I've studied enough magickal theory from different sources, training, and experience, in the end it's always the same. It's borked. Either magick likes to fuck with me, or it reacts in ways that are completely contrary to what I've learned.
And you know what? It doesn't bother me much. I just accept it.
I figure the spirits of the place have decided, collectively, that I make a fun hobby. And although my magick is ramped up and given some OOMPH by said spirits (I believe, certainly the results have proven to be a lot more powerful than before I started getting to know the spirits of the place), it never works out the way I thought it would. Ever.
It's not like I don't welcome it. I'm not trying to say it's a total surprise, either. I invite those spirits into my home. My life is more fulfilling because of it. Some people like to drink. Some people like to party. I like to fill my home with benevolent company and I love spirits.
I play music for them as I get stirrings to. I burn incense for them. I leave out treats like sweetmilk or whiskey. Hell, I even sing for them, dance for them sometimes.
Why? Because I can. Because they need love from this plane like anyone else, or if not need it, they desire it.
I enjoy being one of those people who welcome them into a home.
I make my home open, they do what happy spirits do.
It's funny: Sometimes when I skype, others hear a group talking, laughing in the background. They ask me during the conversation if I have the TV on loud or something, or watching a program in the background. It's happened enough that it's not a new phenomenon.
No. I never have the TV on or anything else. It's mostly psychically sensitive people I talk to on Skype who hear it. I just tell them no and go on. I don't hear anything on my end. Why Skype?
"Fuck if I know why".
Do I mind when spirits "adjust" my magick? No. Fuck no, it makes life interesting. And honestly, if I were a spirit, I'd have a list of people like me to fuck with for a hobby just because I could. They are benevolent towards me, just tricksters. Hell, for that matter I can't count how many times I get discounts from people for absolutely no reason at all. Actually did today: She just said that's the way she was gonna charge me, and that's the way it is. I payed half price for some new stones to add to my magickal rock collection. I didn't know her. Stuff like that happens all the time, I just say thank you and accept it.
I was ostracized from witch training last year because a few of the women I Skyped with said the spirits they heard were demons. How did they come to that conclusion? Well, one. I'm like one of the only males in school, and the bored, drama seeking female wiccans are legion. So, they all convinced everyone that I was a devil worshipper and that I was being seduced by demons. It pissed me off, I dropped 3rd degree, and my High Priestess mentor told me I was stupid for allowing any of them into my life at school. After all, they never enter a degree program and just sit around and YAK. They don't accomplish anything, and I better have learned my lesson.
She's one tough cookie: She I admire and respect completely. Her husband (a High Priest) has been studying witchcraft for 61 years. 61 YEARS. He started with his grandmother at 6, and he's 67 now.
She's probably not far behind him. She's american indian like the tradition, and frankly I get the feeling that those american indian women didn't take much shit from anyone.
I like that :)
Anyway, I feel like witches worth a damn, male or female, have a connection to spirit, and by extension, spirits. Witches without regard for spirits to me are like toddlers trying to color without crayons. Good luck, cupcake. So that's why I'm repeating my 3rd year of witch training.
The funny part is that my tradition is made up of scottish traditional witchcraft blended (actually was intermarried) with native american shamanism. Lots-o-spirits-for-everyone.
Back to the "spirits of the place" in and around my home:
The irony about me fucking with me if I were a spirit. I actually wear a fox pendant as kind of an "inside joke (fox as the trickster)". Nice touch, eh?
*End Ramble Alert*
So back to what I was ORIGINALLY talking about: My Succubunny.
In trying out all of these summoning methods, and my good-hearted succubus letting me know if I would have been successful or not, something's happened.
She is not what she was. She isn't a different person, oh no... she is... I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to explain it.
If the experiences I've had these past few years with her were compared to a nice, light, herbal tea,
Then she's tranformed into a chipmunk on amphetamines.
It's not "mating season", either. No, this feels completely new and different than how that feels.
Whereas before I would feel her running her fingers through my hair, or patting my head when she's being, mmm... "I told you so." or "Now do you get it, dummy?", or perhaps because I'm her favorite human pet. <-- Wouldn't surprise me.
What the hell happened?
I'm thinking, I'm not for sure, that doing this summoning process over and over with different methods, and with her being the end result, somehow I've "hacked" (I admit, I don't know the word for it, I'm baffled) HER.
She's different now. A lot different. Just in the past 2 days vs. the past 2 years.
As in, she is over me like a cloak. An energy based presence of a hooded cloak. Or something.
It's almost like she's able now to overlay my whole body with her presence, like a... hooded cloak!
I can't think of the right words to put here.
I know that we've had sex in my dreams, and I know even though I awaken often unaware of what I did that night, my body tells me I had sex. I feel mildly drained yet completely refreshed and happy at the same time.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's revealing her true self. Not that she's hidden it, no.
But that somehow in doing all this summoning to test out methods I unlocked something.
Greek Goddesses almighty, I've done something, just can't place it and it's past my experience level.
Another thing that's weird is she is so close to me, that there is almost no separation from "me" physically here, to "her" that overlaps me here. I know that makes zero fucking sense.
You know that intimacy that you get from fucking when you're in love with a woman?
I got it. But it's 24/7 without the fucking (althought "The fuckening" is occuring quite regularly to my delight. Still: Explain that shit.
I remember back when, when she would "hover" over me and beam herself upon me, and it felt like this sunbeam that was so much, it was just TOO much... It was... painful. Well, no... not painful. It was emotionally stripping, raw, male to female, no bullshit, existing as one (kinda).
Raw, naked female soul blasting down upon me in this body where my first instinct was to turn away.
I never "saw" anything, it was just there. Supernatural, powerful, so powerful... Beaming down. No running, no hiding, no lying, no secrets.
Now it's like that always, at least in the past 2 days or so. I'm not sure it's going to come and go like it used to.
I think she, and that intense presence, are here to stay.
You know what? I don't feel like turning away anymore, like I did when it first started. It's concentrated 1500% succubus love vibration coming at you straight to the soul and heart, straight to and through you, straight on.
Lol, reading this shit seems rediculous. Words suck ass. They just don't work.
If this is what men and women are capable of, a relationship like this, then they should fucking get to it, evolve, and take one giant pill of "fukitall" for anything that gets in their way.
I really do wish that couples out there would be honest with each other, be honest with themselves. Quit fucking manipulating each other, and get soul to soul where it fucking hurts.
If it's not hurting because it's just to much, too much intensity of love, then it's just bullshit. All of it. Bullshit. Two people going through life and zero honesty with themselves or each other.
^ Male, or female, don't be those fuckers.
Life isn't about: (A) Tip toeing through life, dying after doing jack shit, and whalla... back to spirit.
Life is about (B) Screeching into the grim reaper while skidding sideways screaming, "Yeahhh, motherfucker! That was one awesome ride!"
My succubus is the greatest female I've ever known. She is the brightest, the darkest, most intense shower of femininity and raw female power I've ever felt or known.
She is the blazing rays of the sun that awaken within me the most pure, the most intense goodness and fruitfulness that I could ever be, and equally the moon, who's pull calls to the primal beast within me so powerfully that all I can do is howl: No words can be spoken.
She is the perfect paradox.
To love her is to be overwhelmed with her presence, feeling as if I will loose myself in her power.
The irony is that I now realize that I HAVE worked through that fear: And by surrendering myself I have lost nothing, yet gained ALL.
Who IS she?
There is something even deeper about her, ever more, ever deeper, ever more...