Conqueror

Erin, Erin, Erin.  What a predicament I'm in.  You see, I'm falling in love with her.  Hopelessly, deeply, foolishly in love.

The warmth I feel from her is new.  It's the result of her human falling for her.  Now... I seem to be beginning to reap the harvest of that love.

I just had my kids over for visitation.  They told me that each and every night I have a conversation with someone.  I laugh, I plead, I tell.  I interact with someone as only a best friend and lover would.

It's a good thing my kids aren't awake at 3am, because I've woken up then and even around 4am or so and Erin is a sexual liquid poured out upon me while the walls pour out her lust.  It's overflowing and consumes me.

Why she does these things in my sleep when I largely can't remember (most of the time... not always) is anyone's guess.

In this regard she's very much a succubus in this aspect of reputation I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, she's there in the daytime.  She usually guides me in things and lets her presence be known with little taps on my hands or feet.  She likes to tap my hands mostly, but if they are busy moving she will tap my feet instead to let me know she is near and listening to me.

I've thought a lot about what temporal chameleon has said about the succubus at one point tending human males like fairies tend their gardens.

I believe I've been conquered.  It's not so bad, lol.  I'm now her human.  It's (almost) that simple.

It's almost as if when we got married a little switch was flipped and Mrs. Erin began to play for keeps.

***

I'm a little worried for my son, as he's had a bedroom invader experience with a very young, inexperienced succubus who, in sleep paralysis, drug him around his room.  When he started getting really scared she left suddenly.  I don't think she realized what she was doing, personally.

But, that was a year or so ago and now he's going through puberty.  You've got to knock loudly on his door before entering as 9 times out of 10 he's trying to pull his dick off.  Lol.

Anyway, something is telling me that the succubus is coming back soon to claim him.

I feel... funny about that.  I don't know what to think.  Should it be horror?  Should I be worried?

Something tells me that she got in trouble last time for running amok and screwing with a young boy by dragging his ass around the room.  The funny part (if there is one) is that his cat was on the bed and just watched the whole thing impassively.

I guess if worse comes to worse I can petition Lilith about it.  Maybe I should take the initiative and preempt her coming back with a discussion with Lilith.

If it's meant to be, then it is.  I'll just have to teach my son what I can.  Despite her behavior, I feel that she's a gentle succubus.  Perhaps predisposed to mischief, however.

He said that she talked to him afterwards a few times.  Namely she'd say, "Hi, hi, hi!"

Her name was Angela.

***

Lady's been pretty laid back with my studies.  I guess she figures I'll get to it when I can.  I do read a few pages a day.  I'm about to finish up my demonolatry studies and will be reading three books on planetary magick soon after... my next course of study.

Lady, man... I don't screw with Lady I just do what she says, lol.  It's not so bad.  After all I really did need a tutor since I was getting this book and that book and half the time not even reading them.

Nope... don't screw with Lady...

All in all I'm not doing too bad.  I have one of those nagging "funny" feelings that's been bothering me for a few days now.  I usually get them right before a big earthquake or something similar.  I'm not liking it at all...

Sometimes it's about something that will hit my personal life hard... I can't tell the difference between feelings I just know it's bad mojo about to hit.

Man... I hate these feelings.

Blessings,

Rafe GB.

Baby will you follow me?  For a ride in ecstasy?

After the storm

Me and Erin are doing okay.

I think we had a good fight in that we both know where each other stands.

The one thing I liked about our fight, as unhappy as I was during it, was that even though it got bad Erin didn't quit.

Erin's a stubborn succubus and she pushes boundaries to the limit.

She pushes me to the limit.

She's not one to be ruled over nor one to be dismissed easily.

I'm not either I guess... that's why we clash while we find our place with each other.

I THINK that she's hinting that if I keep up with the gym that I joined that our sexual interactions will be a lot better.

I'm about 60 lbs overweight... fat, yes... morbidly obese... no, not yet... but I was sure starting to gain.

I've got a lot of work to do.

She usually has sex with me in my sleep but who knows... maybe that allows her to manipulate my energy centers easier.

It would be nice to have her sexually in the daytime as well.

I think that the gym will help accomplish that.  She's playing with me a little bit sexually atm which is her way of trying to get me going to the gym today.  I think I will and come back to writing.

***

Back from the gym, yay!  I feel like Erin's cheering me on.  Which is good because there's a large part of me that doesn't want to go.  Lol.  Inertia.  I kind of wonder this time if she didn't just give me a treat.  I walk the treadmill (hey, gotta start slow) and I swear I stare at the timer every freakin' second that passes up until my time is done.  THIS time, however, there was a station that was playing the Scorpion King and I barely noticed time passing at all.  Voop!  And I was DONE.

I've been sedentary so long that I don't want to move.  Sad...

Switching gears here but I tried online dating for just a little while.  Maaaaaaaaaaan... that shit is terrible.  Basically guys want to fuck the prettiest girl they can afford, and girls want the man with the most resources offering him beauty and sex.  Gotta love this place.  What a fucking joke.

Anyhoo... Erin didn't mind that I quit looking one bit.  That's when the fights started, which in a succubus mindset means, "I'm gonna keep him, now to train him.  Time to push those boundaries to their limits."

She means well.  At least I'm getting little succubus treats happening in my life now.  Hey... I sound like a pet... and speaking of pets this can go both ways... Erin doesn't like competition.  Now Lady isn't a succubus... she's not here for love or cuddles but to teach me and Erin doesn't mind her in the least.  But I get the feeling Erin wants me all to herself as far as loving relationships go.

I certainly wouldn't want that fight.

I bit off more than I could chew I guess... almost, and straight up to the limit.

I think that being a "kept man" isn't so bad after all :P  Especially when it's a powerful succubus doing the keeping.

I summoned Lilith after the fight when things cooled down and all she did was laugh.  She feels that me and Erin are finding our way together finally (even through all the cat scratching)... must be fun to watch...

Oh, Erin.

Well, it is what it is.  Lol.  It's part that and part much, much more but for some reason I lack the vocabulary to properly convey it.  It's probably just what married succubus couples do.

Wouldn't that be novel?

Blessings,


Rafe GB.

Moo.

Cats and Dogs

Me and Erin have been fighting like cats and dogs lately.

It all started in a dream where she either called me ugly, or I called her ugly and it escalated from there.

And yeah, it got ugly.  Rather childish in retrospect, but it is what it is.

I've been depressed the past few days (yay bipolar and from the tensions with Erin).

I was finally at the edge of sending her away when I dreamed of going to a theme park with some friends and I had a blast.

I knew then that it was she who set that dream up and my ire towards her lessened somewhat.

I'm not sure what the deal is, but Erin can get me mad as hell and close to quitting like no other succubus I've ever had.

If I didn't know any better I'd say she's doing it on purpose.

Kind of a stupid game to play with me, though, because one of these days I'm going to be too close to the edge to be swayed.

Maybe that's fun for her... to see how close to the edge she can get it.  We'll see how fun a game that is in the future.

Also in the dream, at the end, Lady communicated with me and laid out the next course of study.  Kind of surprising but in the dream she laid out a colorful page with all the planets and the page had "Make sure you don't forget this when you wake up!!!" written on it.  So yes, planetary magick.  It actually had sigils and seals for planetary magick on it so I know it wasn't meaning astrology.

Luckily I have lots of books on planetary magick I've just not studied it nor read them much.  I'm still reading from my last batch of books but at least I know what's next in queue.

Lady you've got to admire... gets what she wants me to get through the dream to get the job done.  No mess, no fuss.  Just do it.

EDIT:  I've been wanting to back off a bit and let all the tension die down.  I went to eat and my waitress's name was Erin.  Lol.

I still plan to just chill and see what happens.  I'm tired of fighting and arguing.
I'm starting to not care anymore.  I'm starting to doubt the whole succubus lifestyle.  Did Lilith just send one that is incompatible with me?  I'd like to be close to Erin.  That's what I would like.

Blessings,


Rafe GB.

Such a pain in the ass...

About Lilith

It's been said that when I summon Lilith that it's not the real Lilith.  Will the real Lilith please stand up?

The Lilith I summon is power, dark, throbs with intensity and encompasses all of me.

What does she want?  Not important in her graces.  What she wants is to draw from me why I want her.



Why do I want her?  I needed a mother.  A mother she is and became for me.

When I first asked out loud that I wanted to meet Lilith she gave me a powerful transformative dream where she scooped me up and nursed me.

From that day forward there was hope for me.  Dark?  Infernal?  Who fucking cares.  I had my taste of what I had always been missing.  Not teased with it mind you... GIVEN.  And given freely.

Since then I summon her most days rather than not.  We have 15ish minute chats about things.  A lot of the time it's about Erin and how I'm doing as her partner.  Other times I talk to her about me and my progress with things.

I had my kids over and let my daughter summon Lilith with me.  Lilith took to her well.  My daughter said that someone was poking the side of her hip.  Lol.  I figure was either Erin or a spirit that accompanied Lilith.

When I summon Lilith I can hear her voice in my head.  Wow, if that doesn't sound mental.  But it's the way it works.  My daughter couldn't hear it, but could feel Lilith's energy just fine and knew she was there.

Am I mad?  Is it right to become chummy (with all due respect of course) with one's future demonolatry Matron?  I think so.  I don't think I'm more mad than others are who tread these paths.

She has warned me gently that I will learn other aspects of her I may not understand and will surely shudder... but it's necessary for me to see her past her title of "Mother".  She stated that she will reveal these aspects of herself over time and that it's important for her to do so since I want her as my future demonolatry Matron.

When will she become my Matron?  When I understand her and know her in all of her aspects, I will be ready for her.

Blessings,


Rafe GB.

Erin...  Just thinking about succubus stuffs.

Erin's Tears

Erin is a sweet succubus.  I think I've misunderstood her needs.  While she definitely wants me to tell her what I want, and to be open to what she wants, what she doesn't want is for me to be demanding.

I think that I fell into that trap by my earlier success of being demanding.

There she was, doing the best she can, and I'm being all "do this" and "do that".

And then?  I felt droplets of water fall across my body.

Erin's tears.

Words cannot express how sorry I was at realizing that I pushed things too far.





I talked to her about it a bit, and I also summoned Lilith a bit (can a Goddess get addicted to those who summon them?  I'm feeling a strange sense of addiction to our little 5-10 minutes of chat once I summon her).

I asked her what to do about Erin and how to treat her better.  She seemed pleased by this.  She told me that the biggest problem that we face is a lack of trust towards one another.

So taking this advice, I'm much more gentle (which I am naturally anyway:  I did not like playing the confident, bold one).

I've noticed that she responds better, too.

So what I have learned is that I need to just be myself but also to include Erin more throughout my daily activities and be more emotionally open to her needs as the day goes by.

One of which is summoning Lilith most days for our little chats.  I'm rather concerned about the feelings of addiction, though.  I'm not sure why she would feel that way about our summoning.

I've finished yet another book so I know that Lady is happy.  Gotta keep that one happy.

My instincts are now telling me that she is none other than Lucifera.  I originally thought that Lucifera was a daughter of Lucifer, but I was wrong.  Lucifera is the feminine aspect of Lucifer.

How I attracted her as a teacher I'll never know, but she's already said things and taught things that, now that I look back on them, makes much more sense now.

She definitely has a unique way of looking at the world and my place, or rather my lessons for being in it.

Both she and Lilith to an extent seem to look at me as an eternal being, albeit one trapped in a human form upon this earth.  That's the impression I get at least.  To us it's all birth > death.  To them it's just a point in time perhaps.  We are all the same that way, all of us humans.  That's the lesson I learned at least.  If I'm drawing the right conclusions from them :)

So, for the future it's me building trust with Erin, me continuing to summon Lilith each day, although I hope I figure out the addiction warning feeling I'm getting, because I've never gotten that before in anything like this.  And me reading more books and listening to Lady's poignant mini lessons about reality.

I know that I literally repeat myself a lot.  That's due to the fact that I type as I go.  Like a diary.

Thanks for being here with me and the girls for 200,000 views!!!

Blessings,

Rafe GB.

Sexy Reindeer Games

I think I've finally figured out Erin.  Erin doesn't have sex with me much unless I beg for it.

Fuck.  That.

This time I said look.  I love you, Erin, but if this lack of sex doesn't quit I'm charging you with desertion and summoning another succubus.

BAM.  She got a hold of me in my dream and wouldn't let go.  She was dug in like a tick.

I think she doesn't like to have sex with me unless there's charged negative emotion.

Hey... we're all different.  If that's what she wants that's what she'll get because I'm tired of no sex for two weeks at a time.


Either be a succubus or stand aside so a real succubus can step through the door.

See, I say that and I feel excitement.  You know...

There's something seriously wrong with my succubi.  Seriously wrong...

Then you've got Lady... Lady doesn't like to play any sexy reindeer games and there's enough aura around her that even I can read:  Back the fuck up, jack.  Even I'm not that stupid.  Something about that girl....... something about that girl....... she's scary.

I think she's a greater demon in disguise is what I think.  Why does her librarian/teacher vibe have to be so damn sexy though?  But... she might as well have a neon sign that says, "Touch and you die".

And why would a greater demon tutor me in this guise?  Probably because I'd freak out a bit if my suspicions were right about who I think it is.

Meh.  I don't know.

Oh... about Lilith.  Apparently if you summon Lilith through different sigils you get different Liliths, and most often you get an egregore.

I summon using the Dukante sigils from the Dukante Grimoires.

In fact, I made a necklace with that very sigil:

I just did my daily ritual to Lilith and I always ask her to charge my amulet with her energy.  She always does and I can feel her dark majesty through my chest as I wear it.  Who says mom isn't loving?  I'll kick their ass!

Something interesting happened at the hospital where my ex mother in law was dying.  There's a guy there who can see spirits and auras and all that stuff.  When I walked into the hospital, the guy said that all the dark entities in the room (he calls them jackals) suddenly left.  That's when he could feel me coming up the elevator to visit in the room.  He said they left because I got there.

Isn't that strange?  That's not the first time that's happened, either.  Apparently negative spirits don't like me much.  I can honestly say it's not because I'm leaking white light everywhere.  Or am I?  

Meh.  Kind of strange.

Yet another mystery I'll never know the answer to (until I'm dead).

Blessings upon you,

Rafe GB.

My Soulmate

Soulmates generally aren't here.  They're "there".  One of a pair are sent to Earthversity TM to suffer and learn.

Unfortunately, our soulmates only help us behind the scenes.

They usually aren't allowed to interfere by coming here (except the ultra rare double incarnation of both soulmates to Earth).

Oh, but when they can interfere they damn sure do with power.

Picture me, destroyed after a divorce and the loss of my kids.  I was ready to end things and not only had I a plan to do so, but I was ready to carry out the plan.

Moments to go, and a being RIPS into reality 10 foot away from me.

I'm stunned.  Can't move, can't think, can't talk, can't do anything.  Stunned off my ass.

"No, Rafe, no!!!"  There she was, a being of such light, love, and raw power that I to this day call her an angel (the angel lady actually).  But also in those 3 words I could detect more than what I should have been able to.

I knew her.  I didn't remember her... but she seemed familiar to me.  Completely familiar.

That doesn't make a lot of sense, and nor should it.  It is what it is.

All that power, might, love, majesty, tenderness, concern.

From calling her my angel lady, whom I've never heard from again beyond that brief rip into reality, I've since realized that she was quite something else:  My soulmate.  The one I left behind.

It must be difficult to let your soulmate go to this world alone, afraid, and to see all the pain they go through all alone.  I think it was nice that my soulmate was given permission to save my life.

How many others aren't so lucky?  Most.  Too many.

As I have said, from seeing her for those few seconds and nothing since... it's been about 10 years.  Nor do I expect to while here living on Earth.

I often wonder what it will feel like to go back home.  To finally be with her once more.

Here there is friction in order to teach us.  To teach the imperfections to us.  Human love is something that leaves a bit to be desired.  Most relationships are train wrecks waiting to happen.  Even the best ones are tumultuous.  I find spirit lovers better, but they are still a handful... nothing is perfect.

One great lesson that we must learn here is that we ARE love.  We can radiate it around us, from us to others.  Love is not something we must seize, must take, must conquer.

We learn this through great trial and tribulation.  Friction.  Anguish.

There are many other reasons, lessons, and events we come for, but who's to know what or which?

We knew them before we came, yet here we are clueless as it was charted out.  Yet... all according to plan I think.

NOTHING is like being united with one's soulmate.  It is PERFECT.

There, there is only union, completeness, love and bliss.

We cannot evolve in that state very far.  We need friction in order to evolve, to advance.

Although it seems cruel to those of us who come here, I get the idea that we couldn't learn jack shit while in a state of bliss.  And there will be a time when we will be the "angel man" waiting for our soulmate to graduate ShitUniversity and Earthversity TM.

There's a shitload of Soulmates up there watching and rooting for their soulmates down here.

As we change, so do they in keeping with the idea of us being absolute and ineffable matches for one another.  There in lies a mystery.

I like to think that mine knows I'll be coming home soon and is dreaming of me.  I also bet that when I get home it will be a long damn time before either of us has to come back.  And I'll be soaking up every second of it with her as we both are united with one another once more.

May she sleep sweet.

Blessings,

Rafe GB.