Monday, February 13, 2017

My most difficult post.

I believe that this is going to be the most difficult post I've ever written.

Bunny has been rather rapidly back and forth as of late.  And I think I know why now.  She was giving me space as I was about to make a breakthrough, which I think I have done this evening.

Oh boy, this is hard stuff, but since this blog is first and foremost my diary of sorts, I'm going to write it.

Here goes a bit of my history which "made me" and brought me to this point today.

I am going to show you how amazing something is that's intangible, and how what is tangible must bow to it by it's very impact over time.

When I was very little, perhaps 2 or 3, my mother was gone.  She was away in another state at college.  She had me while still in high school, which was pretty rare back in the 70's.

I remember this... ache... for my mother.  It's a primal longing for that nothing can satisfy.  And nothing did.

She would visit when she could... and wow, what a lifetime it was between visits to me.  I might has well of have lived 5 lifetimes and reincarnated to equal the time and distance that I felt longing for her.

She was gone for over a year or two, and that might has well just been an eternity or two, to a young boy of 2 or 3.

I remember my dreams when I was a young boy.  They were always the same, only varying in some slight differences.

One was that she and I were in a car together and when I looked outside the window, when I looked back she was gone, but the car was still driving itself.  When I'd return to looking out the window and looked back, she'd be there.

Another was her putting me on a train by myself, and there were no other passengers nor a conductor. The train would make many stops, and they were to different worlds... but I never got back to the start to where my mother put me on the train.

I was always alone, and longing.

One dream that especially frightened me was one where I was in the middle of a tornado outside my house. I was yelling, trying to get my mother and my grandmother and grandfather to hear me to help me, but all I could do was grab onto the grass, and the wind would pull me up with my hands ripping the grass out and spiralling around still, no matter how many times I tried to gain a footing.

When I was a little older, I think around 5 or so, my mother let my hair grow long... I think because she really wanted a girl.

I was told many times at the age of 7+ that I was the product of rape by my father.  I learned in my adult life that this was a bold faced lie.  I do think, however, that my mother would have believed this lie that she so clung to as she walked into planned parenthood to cut me out of her... if I had been born 2 years later.

She also used to make sure I knew that, "She could have been anything in the world, except I came along."  I got that a lot.

When I was a young teen, she joined a feminist group, and would take me to meetings.  I could feel the eyes of the women in the room boring into my fucking skull.  And probably, my very soul, with hate.

If you've ever wondered why I tend to go off on feminism, now you know.  I "studied" feminism by proxy starting from the age of a young tween.

I learned to hate men, especially myself.

I never hated my mother.  She was a child who made a mistake, who raised a child in turn.

I remember many times how helpless I felt as she cried, usually because she had no idea how we would make it.  I remember feeling so powerless.  Feminism never did bring her a cure for her pain, it only brought poison for her to swallow, and poisoned me as well.

I married when I was in my early 20's.  You know how they say that if you're a man you marry your mother?

I was no exception.

I don't know the exact count of affairs she had on me, but I was a cuck in taking her back, time after time.

Do you know why?  Because men are shit and this is what a man deserves.  I felt that as truth so deeply that I wasn't even conscious of it.  It was all just an insideous rot.

I had no soul.  I guess I did, but it was nothing resembling one. It was but a dark pit, bathed in blood and tears, scars, loneliness, and torturous despair.

I was also in full blown bipolar by this time, and it was undiagnosed.

Everywhere I went to get help, they didn't even bother trying to help me... they just wanted the cash for the visit.  I had tried 7 different avenues to try to find out what was wrong deep within and gave them all the time requested of me, yet they all ended the same:  With cash leaving my pocket, and leaving as empty of hope as when I had arrived.

My ex-wife finally had an exit affair with my "father figure" and "best friend".

I was crushed and devastated.  Life had no meaning, not that it ever did.  It was as if Hell found me, and this was my eternal sentence since birth:  To suffer.

I dreamed many, many times of my ex-wife and 2 young children (my son, aged 6 months.  My daughter aged 4) walking hand-in-hand into the distance with my ex-friend.

Back then, I was beyond suicidal.  I'm not even sure I was still human.  I was simply "death" and "dead" all at once.

I was beyond the capacity to feel anymore.  There was nothing but emptiness...

There's a theory in western Hermeticism that at some point a magician must cross the great Abyss, to begin is to have one's identity ripped away by rending claws until nothing is left.

I have no fear of this as I've already experienced it.  The only difference was that I did not cross the Abyss.  The Abyss came to me.  No, there was no heavenly welcome on the other side because I am only speaking in similarities to what must be the experience.

I didn't even care what my name was anymore, and anyone who said my name... it just didn't register that "I" was "he".

I was saved from death... from what I had planned.  After all, those who have nothing left cannot ponder things like the future, or anything that requires "thought".

When I was about to die, a strange thing happened.

Something "warped" into my reality.  I was in the basement at the time and was ready to die.

It was a She, and She only said 3 words, "No, RAFE, NO!"  Well, my real name instead of "Rafe" of course.

There were a few things that hit me all at the same moment.

1.  She, this being, was clothed in robes, almost Greek or Roman.  She had laurels in her hair, along with a crown.  She was very beautiful, but not in a sexual way (not to me).

2.  In those 3 short words I felt POWER, majesty, love, and concern, as well as a commanding presence to obey, even though her words were full of the emotion of love for me.

3.  She spoke as if she had known me forever, since the beginning of time.

4.  I was stunned... unable to move.  It was almost as if her "warping" into my reality did not compute to my physical brain.  I could not move, nor speak.

5.  She vanished and the "space" that she occupied went back to normal.  Once I could move again, I decided to obey and to not take my own life.  What haunted me was the love for me that radiated through her words.

Wanna hear a secret?  I'm more scared of the Angel lady than ANYTHING on this earth or beyond.  Yes, she's loving, but the POWER... I've felt nothing like it my whole life.  She felt like the "Sun" itself.

Then next morning I was sitting on those same steps smoking a cigarette.  I still had no emotion within me but was an empty husk.

Another being was there, but different.  I could feel her put her head on my shoulder, and I could feel her long, soft hair cascade down my chest and abdomen.

This was not a sexual act, but one of comforting.  I do not know who she was, nor the powerful woman who appeared to me the day before.

The "Comforter"

After these events, and realizing that my temporary respite from trying to do myself in might cave at some point, I went to the hospital and got help.  It took 3 times for them to figure out that I had bipolar, but it was still one hell of a struggle to survive, much less live.

Once the doctor who diagnosed me worked with me on medicine for a good while, my healing would slowly begin.

I struggled a lot with my so very young children.  It's hard to be a father to a baby under a year old, and a little girl who's world was still spinning.

Gradually, I began to heal... little by little.

Being that "Powerful female beings warping into my reality" didn't exactly gel with what I had been taught at church (that angels were genderless), I began searching.

And search I did.  I finally went through a RCIA program at the local catholic church (because, well, at least they had a heck of a lot of powerful women, one who may have been the one) and was baptized, confirmed, and took the name of, "St. Dymphna", patron saint of mental illness.

Seemed fitting at the time :)

But... that still didn't reach far enough for how far I was prepared to go spiritually.  After having a point in my life where everything that was "me" was stripped away, I also had no boundaries to where I would search.  I just didn't know where to start.

I ended up learning Reiki and took everything I could.  I think after 3 years I had racked up about 60 attunements.  I spend 2 whole years in detox, lol.  I had also enrolled in and finished around 50 courses at a school that taught Wicca through distance learning, first earning my 1st degree, and then my 2nd degree of Witchcraft.  I was to sit for my 3rd degree exams when I split.  It was too much like "just another religion" to me, and I had already learned the material and digested it... I wasn't too worried about an official diploma for 3rd.

After that, I enrolled in and completed 2 degrees (both of which would probably qualify me for a position as a Walmart greeter), the first in Spiritual Healing, and the 2nd in Metaphysics.

My next stop was at a site that promised anyone could summon a succubus (I've since decided that this is not true:  For instance if some one is fated to meet their soul mate in the flesh, a succubus most likely will be not allowed... and that's just an example, there are a plethora of factors, I am sure).

I read the material, made my statement of intent, and in 2 nights she arrived.

I don't believe this one was "Bunny", and she didn't stay long.  I afterwards modified my intent to, "And if you're not the best succubus suited for me, please allow for the one who is to come."

When I tried soon after, that's when I think "Bunny" came.

Ah, Bunny.

For a man used to feeling like nothing, for a man who was so used to being torn apart by women...


The one who taught me that I was ok.  That being a man is ok.  That it is a reason to be happy with who and what I am.  She did this.  She taught me the truth, the Divine truth of what I am.

She taught me what is right about men and women together on Earth, and also what is terribly eschew.

She's always been so sweet and gentle to me.  Well, except for "mating season" every 6 months where she gets all feral.  Doesn't bother me much.  Ride away, Bunny, do whatcha gotta do :)

She's always been a mentor, and a friend.  She nags sometimes when it's for my own good, and she scolds quite gently.  She is loving.  So loving...

What a woman!  I can't even see her, but I can feel her.  Her emotions, sometimes her "word picture" thoughts.

But most of all, I can feel her love for me.

She, and what she does has softened me as of late, and especially through these 3 years.

Bunny's femininity and power are not used to manipulate me, nor berate me.

She celebrates me as a man, and she is gentle and sweet with me, so as to heal me as we go.

I no longer feel a wounded "hate" towards women.

How can I?

3 years with Bunny has softened me, healed my wounds, restored me.

And now that I'm what I call a "Newborn son of Lilith" (having had dreams before I summoned her where I was an infant, suckling her breast), who has also been nothing but wonderful to me, I just can't hate anymore.

I have all this pain, ache, and death of the soul in my past.  And I have all this support, and love, and kindness in my present.

And the present has worn down my sharp edges, the barbed wire surrounding my heart.

Lilith:  Immortalis Regina.

And Bunny:  So intertwined with me, I now know what femininity, power, and sensuality SHOULD be.

I've gained the power to keep my birth mother at arm's length.  Her barbs cannot harm me anymore, and yet I can interact with her as I must.  I do not show disdain with her, but can be myself.  How did I get this power?

My ex-wife and I have a wonderful relationship now, she considers me her closest friend, and tells me that she will always have my back.  She has divorced the man she left me for which I find ironic. We give small gifts to each other and the like as friends.  I'm distant, of course, but it is a nice working relationship for the children's sake.  She actually gives more than she takes now.  She even brags to others about our working relationship with the kids, and her and her mother tell me, "You're a great father!" now.  Lol.  Such an ironic world.

She even knows about Bunny now and didn't bat an eye when I finally told her.  She said she doesn't care because I've grown so much.  Hah.  I have to say:  I wasn't expecting that :)

It was the combined effort of Angel, Succubus, Goddess, and I don't know who all else... women destroyed me, yet much greater women restored my heart and my soul tenderly.

Having a wonderful succubus who nursed me back to being as healthy in my attitudes as I can be, along with a "Foster Mother" who is very similar to Bunny's persona (albeit x10,000).

How does all this fit into my cosmology?  I think all of these beings... angels, succubi, Gods, Goddesses, all work together more cooperatively than we'll ever know.  I think it's more amazing than we will ever understand here, at least.  I don't think everyone works cooperatively, but I think more do than we would be capable of understanding... especially in this plane of duality where it all seems set up for us each to "take sides".

I've certainly seen that in the magick that I have pursued beyond what little I have talked about here and there.  Bunny and other spirits have been there to help me to learn and to understand.

I'll be honest:  I need all the help I can get from wherever it comes.  As long as I don't piss off, "The Angel Lady," I'm good.  I've done alright by her so far.  I have a strong feeling that she'd "ring my bell" if I haven't.

*Big Grin*

Things are turning out ok.  I'm not perfect and there's still some deep scars, but I'm getting there.

The funny part?  People say I'm more intuitive with women and understand them better than I ever have, and that I have grown so much over past (and especially in the last 3 years) 9 years that they can't figure out how I've done it.

So if you ever think you're in that point of no return, don't think:  Get help.  The future is ironic.  Get help and the world turns... sometimes it just takes a little while.

Bunny said something to me very recently.  It was, "You are greatly favored in my house."  I THINK she means with both her and her family.  Difficult for me to understand the exact meanings sometimes... as I said, she communicates in what I call, "word pictures."  Not easy to digest or sort out most of the time.  It's like a burst of emotion and pictures, all compressed within a very short thought.

But at least I always figure out what she means at some point.

Now, you can see how the intangible has proved more powerful than anything else in my life... even what afflicted me when I was so very young.  

It truly is a mystery.

I wanted to write all of this to say that, "I'm at peace with women now."

But I'm no cuck, anymore.  The greater women of Spirit have also instructed me where I was in need:

"Treat me with respect and it shall be returned.  Otherwise, I expect and want NOTHING from anyone..."

Saved by an angel, loved by a succubus, suckled by a Goddess.

I am a new creation.


  1. Quite a touching story. Thanks for sharing something so personal to you.

    Did this female entity that suddenly appear to you, manifest physically(as in you could see her features visually with your eyes) or in your mind's eye?

    By the way what prompted you to attend the catholic RCIA program and get baptised/confirmed in the Catholic church?

    1. The female entity that saved me "tore" into the area near where I was but about 10 feet to my left.

      I was stunned and struck dumb, paralysed by her sudden "tearing" into reality.

      I could not see her physically in 1st person, but I saw her as if I was looking at me who was looking at her in the room. I saw her in 1st person while looking at both of us in 3rd person at the same time.

      It's almost like I was "in" me, and yet "outside" of me observing simultaneously.

      I hope that makes sense.

      The reason I attended RCIA was that my birth religion pounded into my head that Catholicism was working towards, and would be the cause of the "mark of the beast" hunting and killing all of the "Sabbath keepers" at the end of time.

      Yes, a religion very much practicing of fear tactics and mental programming.

      There's another one of us "Succubloggers" on the web who was a "victim" of this religion as well growing up.

      In short, I joined the "enemy" to learn for myself.

      What I found was that nobody had even heard of my religion nor gave 2 hoots. They ended up being just regular people, doing their best like anyone else. The priest was a kindly older man, so kind that the Bishop ordered that he couldn't meet people who came in until they were screened by the secretary or another church member first.

      Why? Because they were scamming for cash, and he had a big heart and would dig in his pocket and hand them his own money, getting himself into money trouble. He was that trusting of others.

      I realized after that year of study in RCIA, and from my interactions with the church members that I was filled with "fear, digust, hate, and dread" towards Catholics by my former religion and finally saw it for what it was: A cult. How they are not listed as a cult I do not understand (Seventh Day Adventism).

      I finished my "journey" by being rebaptized and confirmed. It was a rite of passage for me, and a personal statement against my former cultic religion. I am not a practicing Catholic today, but I learned what I needed to know:

      I realized then that when I had sunk so low, all of my previous religious programming fell away as well.

      This is a rare thing, as most who are brought up in my old "religion" (Seventh Day Adventis) are always haunted by feelings of doubt, guilt, and fear when they leave.

      I had escaped all of that in the end.

      It's funny in hindsight. You see, we all go through life like we're all these words, titles, beliefs written in chalk on a blackboard. When one is torn down to nothing an interesting thing happens: They realize that they are the blackboard, not what was written on it by us or by our beliefs.

      Since then, I have become a rabid seeker of spirituality and will tear every wall down in front of me to find what I seek, but my religious days are over.

    2. Thanks for replying.
      Seems like you went through quite an intense and interesting spiritual journey.

  2. Ah, my friend, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for risking to share such deeply personal and profoundly painful experiences.

    Your encounter with your "Angel Lady" is awe-inspiring. I'm pleased to hear you've found grace and redemption on the other side.

    I'm convinced that once the long toxic history of patriarchical oppression started to lift, an equally toxic reaction formed among some proponents of radical feminism.

    A comprehensible outcome, but not a useful path forward for humanity overall. It only served to strengthen the resistant resolve of the opposition.

    Your courageous example has inspired me similarly to open up and address on my blog about my own convoluted, conflicted relationships towards women (my Mom in particular) and with my own masculinity.

    Thank you.

    1. You're very welcome: Good luck on your own personal journey and trials.