I realize that this is all just personal perception, but it's very odd behavior compared to the way it's been.
Sometimes I think that I didn't make her house very well. I mean, I put a lot of time and effort into it, but what if it's just not energetically stable?
Nah. She was able to be here for a LONG time when we first got together 3 years ago and I didn't even have a house for her.
It must be something new. Something kinda odd... I don't know if it heralds change in the world (who knows, the world's always changing), in the Underworld (I doubt it), or with us personally (which I suspect more).
Oh, regardless of what I feel personally, she's definitely around (Bunny is). I've been drawn to Lilith lately as a mother figure (since mine was... eh... not). At tonight's full moon and green comet I'm going to summon Lilith to my Esbat without a traditional offering. Yes, I know I'm an idiot according to the texts I've been going off of. I'm probably the only "special needs" sorcerer voted most likely to end up exploding from within with my head missing.
Eh. That would suck.
Actually, I've found that what works for me SO FAR is to give Lilith something I really really want for myself, but give to her instead. Last time it was this... omg... this perfect, polished (yes, I did polish it for her), large, ripe, juicy red apple. Can you tell I really, really wanted it? Lol.
Out of anything in this world, I wanted to eat and just bite into that damn apple. Omg, the temptation.
Anyway, that was the offering, and from the results she LOVED it. So maybe an offering isn't meant to be "a prick of blood and a piece of meat" like the books say.
Maybe it's what you want for yourself the most, but give to her instead?
Anyway, afterwards I split that apple apart with my hands (not sure why I felt compelled to use only my hands, but whatever) and tossed it to nature. Didn't even taste a drop of it's yummy apple juices. Lol, I'm still craving that damn apple. Anyway, my theory is that this is what she appreciates the most.
Tonight? I get to do the same thing with another item. Oh... I want it so badly I can TASTE it, but nope. She gets the "first fruits" because she's Lilith. And that's the way it is.
Hey, it's working for me. *shrugs*
How else can I test that I'm really a son of Lilith? Sometimes you just have to leap into the Abyss, naked and full of hope. That's all I really have to offer. I'm sure I'll give some sort of offering, after all, what I offered last time wasn't suggested but it all worked out better than I could have hoped.
And to be honest, it's Valentines Day soon and Lilith deserves something for Valentines day.
I'm thinking a custom made card, burned in the black iron cauldron as tribute. Yeah, that'll be more of my personal offering. Lilith deserves a nice valentine. Gotta be good to yur mom, and that's what I'm wanting out of all this... a mother/son relationship that transcends blood.
EDIT: I did have that ritual at 10:50pm (hour of the Moon on the day of Venus) last night. Full moon, a lunar eclipse and a fucking comet with a green trail to boot. Wow! That was a helluva Esbat. Lilith was the star :P
Yes, I made her a Valentines Day card and burned it in the cauldron. Yes, I gave her the offering I spoke of.
Another rule I've decided on is that whatever I give to her as an offering, I can't partake of the similar item I haven't given her until the next day after the ritual. That way when I really want it but give it to her, I know I'm not getting anything like it until the next day... really makes it mean more because I want it more.
This time the offering was a big, red, fat, juicy washed raspberry. Ohhhh, I wanted to chomp that little bastard. But no, I gave it as an offering and ate the rest of them the next day. I gobbled them in about 2 minutes :)
Anyway, after this ritual I felt the feeling of the "Goddess's Peace", but it's more internal this time than "external", you know, like it's bubbling up from within, rather than surrounding me like a cloud from without.
Hmm... Interesting difference.
It's funny that I come up with strange ideas on the fly for Esbats and rituals and stuff. Sometimes it just enters my head like like a word picture.
Hey, is Bunny putting this stuff in my head? Probably. Lol, gotta love her.
That's what I mean by "zig zagging". She doesn't feel "here" but she is. Right freakin' here I just can't feel her for some reason. Lol, she's gone full ninja.
A couple of things... one thing is I definitely heard her voice in my head and she said this:
"Believe in the current that is... and you will find peace."
I'm not sure exactly what it means as I don't have a reference. I'm thinking that it means magickally.
See, I've been studying some new magick and have been having amazing results.
There's this dumbass dog that's half great dane and half boxer above my head in the apartment upstairs. I have complained and complained about this idiot until I was blue in the face, and the apartment management wouldn't do anything.
Fast forward and I got a hold of some magickal techniques for "quieting noisy neighbors".
Oh, hell yeah! I knew exactly who to test it on.
I haven't heart SHIT out of that dog for 3 days after the ritual... no howling, barking, or jumping around (which sounds like a bucking donkey), nor rooting into the floor (pawing).
There is noise when the dog's owner gets home, but the rest of the day? You'd swear that there is no dog up there.
Fucking amazing!
(It's almost like all my magick has been given a hell of a boost... ALL of it. Not sure why. Although, when I do think about it I remember my dreams of being that infant suckling on the Goddess's breast. Maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe that dream had more impact in the waking world of reality for me as well?)
Rafe, the "special needs" sorcerer.
In some other magickal current (I wonder if this is what she meant? Maybe the actual "current" I'm drawing from is my newborn association with the Goddess... Her current? I don't know.) I tried a spell to gain the powers of moving objects. Yeah, I'm stupid, had to try.
(Don't sit there and act like you haven't tried to will a pencil to roll off the table, or wish you could do shit from movies. Yeah, you. You know you have :P)
But what happened next?
Lol. Every damn thing my hands touched went all goofy. I went for ketchup and I couldn't get it into the cup from the dispenser. Got a napkin and I couldn't hold onto it... fell out of my hands. Tried to get a spoon and it slid out of my hands and onto the floor. I think getting a straw ended about the same. By that time a worker was looking at me.
I just laughed and said, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
I definitely wouldn't call any of that a success, but it was interesting at least.
Of course, afterwards I read that the technique was advanced and required a lot of training and was only to be used in cases of dire need.
Well, fair enough. I guess eating at a Wendy's restaurant trying to levitate my drink cup didn't qualify on many fronts. Considering I got the text for it Wednesday, I'm not exactly an advanced practitioner, either.
OH WELL. Don't know 'till ya try. *wink*
For being mostly easy going critters, Succubi can sure get intense when the want to.
Had some other goofiness happen as well in my sleep. You know the "bedroom invader" experience? Where some entity sits on your chest and you can't breathe?
Of course, you can, it's just labored. The entity is either trying to scare you or test you, and sometimes both.
I don't think it was Bunny, but it could have been if she was trying to pull me out of my dream and into "Elsewhere" where she's pulled me out before (for great fun and prizes, I might add!).
If she was trying to pull me to "Elsewhere", trust me... I'm sad.
Whether it was her or a relative, or someone else I dunno.
Anyway, I'm so drugged up on sleeping meds, lol, that in my dream I suddenly couldn't breathe. I was talking to someone in my dream and gasping for air, barely getting anything out.
Only, it didn't interrupt my dream, lol. I just went through the dream with this weight on my chest and not knowing why, even asking other "dream characters" why this was happened, but they didn't know.
In typical "me" fashion I just said, "fuck it" and went on with the dream, even though I had that weight on my chest and couldn't breathe.
Lol @ entity. Next time try harder: You're dealing with enough sleeping pills to knock out an elephant.
And if it was Bunny: You should know better by now.
Ooo. Chest is tight and feels like can't breathe. Yup, musta been Bunny trying to pull me to elsewhere.
She coulda just said, "It was me". Although she did just say, "Maybe it would also help if you didn't vape enough to kill an elephant."
She doesn't talk in words really, more like word pictures that have the words intermingled, so sometimes it's hard to untangle what she's trying to say sometimes.
Lol. Sassy girl... touche, Bunny.
Succubi naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag a lot.
Gotta love 'em, though :P
I'd better be good and stop sassing the succubus.
Ah, what else is new?
Oh! I watch videos on YouTube sometimes from a group called, "Off the Left Eye." They are part of the "Swedenborg Foundation."
Anyway, they were talking about remembering in the afterlife. According to Sweedenborg, we will retain the good things from being here, but all the trauma will fall away. The deep scars and trauma will be healed in some form, but the growth from it will remain. How is that possible? I don't know... either you believe it, maybe you don't. And that's okay either way.
But for me, it was a relief. I've got stuff swimming around from childhood and beyond, not to mention my bipolar disorder (which is so... damn... tiring to fight every damn moment of my existence).
So I took it all in with hope. Like I said, if you disagree, cool. I don't want to push anything, I'm just saying how glad I feel for that personal revelation... it took a huge weight off is what it did.
Me and the Bunny. This is what it feels like going about my day when she's "here."
Love your succubus or she'll rip your head off and magickally animate it to lick her pussy for eternity whether you like it or not. Ok, that was a bit much. Just love her, k?
What exactly would happen if you didn't love your succubus? Just curious.
ReplyDeleteNo idea. They know more about you than you know about you.
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