Summoning Lilith Tonight

Tonight is the new moon (or dark moon, as I call it).  Apparently today was also a "ring of fire" solar eclipse in Pisces.

I'm planning on performing my monthly Esbat (full moon ritual) tonight.  I switched from full moon to "dark moon" because I felt the Goddess's energy so much stronger in the dark moon than I ever did in a typical "full moon".






Remember, I call a "new moon" the dark moon.  I just makes more sense to me as the moon is hidden and not visible.

So, tonight at 11:48pm EST (in the hour of the moon) I'll be busy summoning.

What was the difference for me personally in switching from a full moon ritual to a new moon ritual?  Wow.  Well.  Let me think.

When I do an Esbats on the full moon, I would feel maybe 2 hours of what I call, "The Goddess's Peace".  What that feels like is basically taking that rucksack of bullshit that we all carry around on our backs and Her putting it away for a while.

I'd argue that this wonderful feeling is about as addictive as making love with a succubus.  Well, almost.

Obviously addicting in a much different way.

Well, 2 hours of that feeling of peace from each Esbat on average over the years.  When I first summoned Lilith (this is my 3rd summoning), that sense of peace lasted for 3 days straight.

So, it was definitely a sign for me, and pragmatic as well I suppose if you consider that sense of peace as being addictive to me.  I'm not saying it would be for everyone.

Maybe a lot of people get a sense of peace from other things?  Well, I don't I'm afraid.  So this is what works for me :P

I used to talk about that sense of peace to other witches when I was in my "bread and butter" phase of witchcraft, learning the basics.  Apparently it's a very rare thing.  Not sure why.

If it's a rare thing, why do people perform Esbats?

Another angle on it is why do people go to church if they don't get fed?

I highly recommend that if you go to church and are a christian, or you're a witch, or you're _________, if you aren't getting fed doing it then fix it.  Get fed.  Life's too short to be a robot, mechanically doing things just because.

Get fed:  Breathe some life into that soul of yours.  Trust me, it cries out for it just like all of ours does.

I don't care what  religion you are, if you're not getting fed go find out where you will be.

I'm not trying to convert you to anything (especially since I don't have a name for what I am.  To some extent I hate labels).  If you're a christian and you're not getting fed, find a new church.

And so on and so forth.  You owe it to yourself (and to that soul deep within you) to get the most "love, power, grace, and peace" out of whatever path you are on, whatever religion, denomination, "I-don't-care-what-it's-called", it's just not worth your time if you're not getting fed.

Go get fed.  OK, rant over.

P.S.  Get fed.

Have you loved your succubus today?


EDIT:  Ritual went well.  Definitely feel that strong sense of peace.  Bunny humped me right after which was a pleasant surprise (but it also gave me a surplus of energy... looks like it's going to be one of those insomnia types of nights/early mornings).

*Sigh*

It was worth it.  10 out of 10 stars.

Morning after EDIT:  Wow.  What a night full of weird dreams.  Definitely "Lilith energy inspired," but I don't recall anything specific.  Faces and themes, concepts, but nothing I can really pin down this morning.

I feel a sense of peace even greater than last night.  It's interesting... when I call out for Bunny it usually takes her a day or so to get here.  I summon Lilith and I never worry too much about feeling Her at the moment because I know I will feel Her soon enough just like I do Bunny (Of course, with me Lilith is maternal while Bunny is sexual).

I guess they really do come from the "same place," or "dimension", or what have you.

At least it appears that way to me :)

***

Some other interesting things that have happened recently:

At the moment (2:05pm 2/27) I also feel some "entities" or "energies" here around me.  Definitely sentient.  They feel along the same current as Lilith.

I can feel that they mean me no harm.  They feel "kindly" towards me.  That I can feel for myself at least.

Oh, my daughter saw my succubus again yesterday.  The first time a year ago or so she saw a 4 foot tall woman, naked, with long hair by my bed and stretching, as if she just woke up.  She said it was like any woman (albeit in miniature, but perfectly proportioned) only "see through", or "spectral." She said she looked pretty.

This time she saw an entity of the same height, but she said her body was made out of spectral "shapes", like squares, circles, etc.

I'm thinking that it was due to some distortion with her not being able to interpret images from her 3rd eye well.  My daughter was born with her 3rd eye partially open.  I, of course, see nothing.

I had to stay at my ex's last week to get the kids to school at the end of the week.  The ex went out of town.

She said there were spirits that the cats were going berserk over, but that she herself (my ex) couldn't see and it was freaking her out.  She said the cats seem to stare into her bedroom.

So, I decided to sleep in her bed (since she offered anyway) and see what I could find.  I can find things out like that, but only through dreaming.

I initially awoke to get my kids to school, then decided to nap to see what I could find out.

At some point I had a dream of 3 small nature spirits.  Something in the dream asked if I wanted to dispose of them.  I felt a wave of revulsion pass over me.  I didn't want to do anything to them, only to find out what they were, and they were 3 innocent lil' nature spirits that seem to be attached to the cats, or my kids, or my ex.  Maybe all of the above, I don't know.  I woke up from that dream with a synchronicity of time on the clock of 11:11.

Anyway, mystery solved.  I was satisfied with just finding out what they were.

On getting a 2nd succubus

If you recall from the last post, I've been thinking about getting a 2nd Succubus for when Bunny leaves, as she's here 2 to 3 days and leaves for a week, and frankly it gets lonely.

I at first thought that I wasn't charging her home right, that it wasn't good enough to keep her here 24/7.

But... in the end I talked to Bunny while laying in my bed (No, she doesn't reply right at the moment very often).  I told her all about how I felt, but I also said that if it's a problem then I wouldn't do it.

Bunny comes first.  I'm not losing that sweet and gentle succubus just because I get lonely.

I think of it as if I were married to an airline pilot or something.  I dunno, it's how I come to terms with it.

Sometimes I get the fear that she's not my wife or girlfriend and that she's actually visiting other men during her away time.  In knowing my past brand of trauma is that such a surprise?

Well... the first thing she did yesterday was to fuck me rotten.  

Ooo that was good...

Then tonight she answered me as clear as day (and when I say that, I mean that I got her feelings and meanings very clearly but that the words are mine.  I find it very difficult to convey that kind of rapid fire imagery and emotion that she communicates to me with into words).

"No, you can't have another succubus to keep you company because we're monogamous as you put in the contract (and which I wished to find in you as well) which is as sacred to me as it is to you.

However, I'm not insensitive to your loneliness when I am away:  I realize that me being away is beyond my control due to my other duties, and hence beyond your control as well.

Therefore, you may create a sexual Tulpa... which will be a good exercise for you and for your concentration abilities.

I realize that this is a bit beyond your current abilities, however, and so what you fail in I will help complete.

I will show you and explain to you what I did to finish her so that you will learn and grow from this experience.  She will fuck you silly, and you shall not be alone when I am gone any longer :) 

As always (though you doubt it to be true) I am your wife. 

I look forward to playing with her together ;)  

~ Bunny.
  

Pretty Bunny-esque, isn't it?

I accept her proposal.  It is a very good compromise that benefits us both.  She is 100% in the know of the process, is supportive of it, and approves of it.  She will help me when my own abilities falter.

She's right:  It is beyond my current abilities to complete on my own.  

I guess she was my wife all along :)  I've always said that calling a succubus is a proposal, and her answering is marriage.  But sometimes I let doubt cloud my thoughts and my thinking.

You know, I think I might even realize the point that we did get married (in thinking back).  Is there such a thing as a "marriage rune?"

One day I woke up and had a bind rune burning in my brain.  I still remember it as clear as day.

Maybe this was the sign for "me and Bunny" as man and wife?

I've never seen a bind rune of it when I searched and searched, but the bind rune meaning is basically, "Male fertility in Harmony with/balanced with, growth."

Anyway,

I'm happy.  Bunny letting me have a sexual Tulpa as a companion is a good idea.

Some may think, "Bunny seems to wear the pants in your relationship."

Well firstly, a Succubus doesn't wear pants :P

Secondly, a Succubus is like a cat.

Do cats come when you call them?  Not often.  More often they do what they want and come when they want.  But in time you can count on a cat coming around wanting affection.

Try to control a cat and see what happens.  Put it on a leash and take it for a walk.

It's just the way they are.

Well, mine are a little different, but that's because I'm awesome.  Ok, I'm not, but they are close to me...

My male cat I saved on the highway.  He's only 1 year old now but he's freakin' HUGE.  He follows me around like a lost puppy all day and has to sit by me at all times.  Even if I cook he's right there... not stupid enough to be on the stove, but right next to it on the counter.  I've given up trying to keep him off the counters... he just has to be right there with me.  It's like everything I do is interesting to him or something... or maybe he just loves me, I dunno.

My female cat is pretty cool... I picked her up at a rescue shelter.  When I walk by and if she wants some attention she'll stab her paw out and "stick me" with her claws so that if I move my shirt might rip.  Basically that means, "I caught you, now pet me human-daddy-person" in her language.

Gotta love 'em :)

Dammit, where was I again?

Oh yeah.

I appreciate Bunny for her unique qualities and she appreciates me for mine.  Well, sans stubbornness, but who knows:  That may have endeared me to her in the first place.

I rather imagine that the reason she actually takes cat form here in the apartment sometimes is that I have 2 cats I adore, a male and a female.  They chase each other all day and hiss and growl at each other, then at night they are cuddling in the same cat bed :P

Sometimes, maybe she just wants to feel like one of the gang?

Obviously I'm just thinking out loud here but it wouldn't surprise me.

Sometimes the cats will, individually, walk the hall and meow, calling out to someone.  Who is it?  I don't know.  Maybe Bunny?  Could be a Fae if not Bunny I guess.  Fae are around, everywhere around.  Maybe a nature spirit of some sort?  I honestly don't know.

I can't see them anyway, so who knows?  I do know that sometimes someone answers their meows and plays with my cats individually.  It's funny to watch the cat run up the walls, chase something invisible on the floor, that sort of thing.  At least they're having fun :)

Strangely enough this is the only time my cats meow.  They don't meow to me, nor each other.  To each other they communicate in short "mrrr..." sounds the same as they do with me.

But when they are calling someone (or so it seems) they meow up a storm walking back and forth in the hall.  Strange.  Doesn't bother me though:  It's interesting to me.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah.  Reasons why I'm not Bunny's bitch.

Thirdly, and finally, Succubi come from a place where power and wisdom leads.  Not gender.  It is the epitome of equality.

EDIT:  I'm interjecting this song.  Bunny says it's "Me in a nutshell."  Lol.  I got woke up this morning with some spirits knocking hard on my bedroom door yelling, "Wake up!"  So I woke up, remembered this song, and started going to work editing the blog.

I'm sorry for all the "interjections and tangents."  Sometimes my mind is all over the place.

Now that I put that vid in there this morning, I'll steer this back to what I was getting to last night:

Instead of pushing whatever ideas of gender roles society has pressed upon me, I am glad to celebrate her strengths and for her to naturally guide where I am lacking.  I prefer her society's ideas of gender rather than this world's.

In this world I'd be labelled a "beta" or the like and strongly looked down upon.  There is no such thing as "sexual market value" there, not in traits that make one more desirable as far as income, looks, or ordering other around.  There's quite enough energy for everyone and if more is needed it's not that difficult to obtain.

Desirable traits are traits of the soul where every one's soul shines as it is... it cannot be covered up, hidden, or able to deceive anyone there.  There is no "internal self and external self", it is ALL external.

Bunny is my wife because she found something that she liked deep within me, probably something I am not even aware of, but she is aware of it.  Oh... she is definitely aware.

In her world I'm simply one who isn't as wise or powerful as my wife.  End of story.

Isn't that simple?  The being with the most power and wisdom leads there.  Sometimes leadership does change.  Because it's obvious who has the greatest power and wisdom, transitions are simple and without drama... very unlike here.

So, for me, different world... different paradigm.  Gotta play by their rules if you're going to play the game.

Yes, if I had married an elemental or something it would be different.  Also a much different game. The only thing I would be able to teach a female elemental lover is how to be a stubborn asshole like me :)  I'll leave that "fetch, marry, and evolve" to someone who knows what the hell they are doing and who has better character traits to teach her than I have.

Comte de Gablis (in English)

And, some may find themselves with a Fae bride.  I don't think I'd thrive with a Fae bride.  If the Fae are as easily offended as I've heard I might end up with donkey ears or somethin'.

Honestly, I think the only female spirit out there who could put up with my ass is a Succubus.  So I got what I was supposed to.  I think Bunny has more patience and perseverance than most.  The less obvious answer is that she likes a challenge, lol.

Have you loved your succubus today?

Questions, questions, questions

Bunny's an enigmatic lil' Succucritter, so I find I'm troubled with some questions.

She's often here for 2 or 3 days and gone for 4 or 5.  It's pretty cyclic.

Does she have a job at SuccuMart on the other side, or what?

I'd really like to have her around full time if I could.  I'd really love for her to live "here" as much as possible.

That's why I created her "house".

Here's what it really looks like, btw:

I don't see any harm in showing the store pic.  You know how hard is is to divine what she wanted and stuff this little thing with 20+ herbs, oils, personal items, and semiprecious stones?

Ya got 3 inches, after all it's just a "keepsake urn."  That pic is actual size.

When I finally got it all to fit (like a freakin' game of Tetris or somethin') I hot glued the threads and screwed the top on... pretty much permanently shut.

Hey, maybe it's too damn full for her to fit in it.

Nah, j/k.

The other thing I wonder is if she has to go home to recharge before she can come back here.

But then I think, "Well, I charge her home all the time.  I even rub it with scented oil while thinking about her."  So, I dunno.

My magick life has been really good, so I can't see it as a lack of personal power.  Although I could be lacking in being able to charge it with specifically what she needs to stay.

I dunno what to do about that.

I still think she has a job at SuccuMart.  I mean for real, why does she have to go back home, anyway?

Other Succubloggers seem to have theirs stick around 27/7 just fine.

***

I had another shitty dream.  It was more abandonment and getting cheated on.  God Dammit.  How do you break out of this stuff?  I mean, it's from BIRTH.  I just can't seem to shake it.

I was kind of mad at Bunny for having it because she was like "right here".  Probably unjustly.

Maybe she did cause me to have it, to realize I need to find a way to get rid of this baggage and stat.

It's only been 40 fuckin' years of it.  Can't imagine a quick fix, and I'm all in what I'm supposed to be doing for the long haul, so what am I supposed to do?

*Break to think about it*

***

Well I don't know what to do about it.  I'll have to put it in the "figure out later" folder for now.

Bunny.  You know, I post a lot of succubus and angel photos and stuff, and that's great but that's not what I really think Bunny looks like.

I think she looks more like this, to be honest:

Kinda solid, but not really.  Mostly energy outlined with a few physical lines to express ideas, or perhaps traits.

She's a shifter, and her favorite form she seems to use around me is the cat.  I can feel her claw up the blankets and stomp up to the pillow and disappear.

Not sure why she does this, maybe she just wants to, I dunno.

Yes, yes, I get that I call her "Bunny" but she prefers a cat form when she's not an energetic cloud of "her".  I called her Bunny long before she introduced her "cat" antics, so it stuck.

Maybe shifting is just her expressing herself.

What's that tee shirt?  If you can be yourself be yourself, but if you can be a unicorn always be a unicorn?  Lol.

Oh!  Btw, I took Bunny's real name (no, not "Bunny") and did some research.  Together, the root words of the syllables mean, "Sexuality through harmony," or "Harmony through sexuality."  Those are the two meanings I got out of my research. 

***

Anyway. 

I'm in a mood I guess.  Just tired of the "3 days on, 5 days off" thing with Bunny.

I dunno, other things are bothering me to.  Are we married?  Boyfriend/Girlfriend?  I have to admit that bothers me more than a little bit.

I guess that's the fear of abandonment talking, isn't it?

Be glad if I can finally get rid of that somehow.

I guess I did good getting rid of the female hate.  Now what?  I've got a mountain right in my way that screams, "Trauma, motherfucker!".

It's tall, make of Adamantium, the only way is through it and all I have is a plastic Dollar Store shovel.

***

Been doing some more thinking.  

You know, Bunny and I are more like... well... it's like she's my Spirit Guide with the occasional sexual benefit rather than me and a Succubus.

We have sex maybe... once a week.  If I'm lucky.  That's not a whole lotta "succu", ya know?

Now, it's probably got something to do with me not being sidetracked by SuccuNookie, because it's damn good.  Good as in, "Lets just dispense with the physical parts and get right to the sensations" good.  That's kinda hard to explain, but it's addicting.  As.  Fuck.

Now, at 6 mo. cycles she does go into "baby rabies" mode.  I like that.  I joke that I run, and I kinda do psychically to fuck with her, but she eventually wears me down and overpowers me anyway... it's more of a game to see how long I can fend her off.  Kinda fun, really.

But as good as that is, I don't know what to do about the sex once a week.  If Bunny has decided to move into more of a "Spirit Guide role" with sex once a week and mating rights every 6 mo, maybe I'm supposed to get open to the idea of pulling Succubus #2 into the scene?

I really don't want that, I'd rather Bunny be my one and only.

Where I first learned to summon a succubus there were a few categories of traits that, in general, tended to be common, which put them in general "ideas". 

These aren't exactly "categories," more of how an author grouped them based on his observations. 

One is called the, "Spiritually Evolved Succubus".  They tend to be more into teaching, mentoring, and guiding.  That's Bunny.  At least her behavior.

Maybe in my great need I attracted one of these, aka Bunny.

The "Romantic" type of Succubus is the kind that is a loving, sweet and gentle spirit that excels in putting their lovers into a state of bliss, through long sessions of love making sex or otherwise.

Sign me up!

Then there's the "Player Succubus (kind of a stupid name) aka let the good times roll" kind of succubus.  Sex and seduction.  They love the seduction and don't really understand the concept of personal space.  They like to tease and conquer.  I don't have any experience with one of these.  

Not interested.

Another type is called the "Sexual Type."  (kind of a stupid name again)

They are more into romping until you finally have to turn over and go to sleep.

Non-committal, fun fun fun.

Meh, Not interested.  Yes, yes, the fucking sounds great, but not the con-committal part.  Not with my bag of issues.

Maybe I attracted what I needed.  Maybe Bunny always has been the "Spiritually Evolved" type of Succubus.  God/dess knows I've probably needed that more in my life anyway. 

I still do need her, I'm not going anywhere and I don't want her to either to be honest.

But... I don't know.  I'm not going to just go out and summon another until I'm damn sure about what Bunny's feelings on the matter are, and I'm not going to if she doesn't like the idea, either.  After all, she could be doing this for some purpose and I'm just not understanding.  

That's ALWAYS a possibility.

***

Now, about those every 6 mo. episodes of "mating season":

Yes, It's Bunny, not another Succubus.  It's Bunny with a diagnosis of baby rabies is what it is... as in she's there to mate.  She's almost feral, and she's horny as fuck.  And she's much more aggressive than normal.

Do I know if I have children?  I think I do.

Do I know what they are?  More Succubi and Incubi I think.

Do I care?  Yes, and No.  Yes that I care about them, no that I don't have any perception of them, so what's the difference.  But of course I do wonder and I do care.  I just don't know much.  It sucks.

Do I worry about what effect these children will have on the world?

No.  Why?  Because if they are anything like Bunny, her gentleness, her sweetness, the world should write me a check.

More Succubi and Incubi for everybody!  And part of those who get one in the future can thank me. Yep, me.

Who knows?  If they grow fast, I might be a grandpa already.

So if you're new, and you've got a new succubus, you may ask her, "Who's your daddy?"

It's me... motherfucker.  Hahahaha.  Well, maybe.

Do I really believe any of this?  

Well, the 6 mo. sex is different and she gets feral as all hell.  We're mating like bunny rabbits during that time and like I said, it sure as hell doesn't feel the same, either.  It not energy draining, but it's physically exhausting from all the muscle spasms and contractions.

Something is created from it, that I am sure of.  The rest is speculation.  But like I said, if we're creating more entities like Bunny I have no worries at all.  If there were more people in this world as sweet and gentle as she, the world would be a better place.

Call me crazy, but I would like to think that I'm doing my part to spread a little love around the world.

God/dess knows it fucking needs it.

Err... is it mating season again, my Bunny?

(I'll take that as a yes)

Time gone goofy and the Bunny

Oh, I've got so much stuff to yak about tonight it's crazy.

Bunny exists somewhere where time is goofy.  She can show herself through synchronicities and coincidences galore.

Take this for example.  I'm trying to communicate with spirits and getting a lot of duds, then all of a sudden I get one with some intellect.

Yeah, I know, I'm pretty sure it was Bunny.  It must have been "pass the mic night in the underworld" or something.

Here I am, on one of those free ouija sites, and after about 3 or so spirits I get some relevance.

Finally!




The first spirit is like, "Dead horse grave plow", I'm like NEXT!

The next is like, "Fear Satan demons scream torture" NEXT!

Then it's "Betty John boat trees" NEXT!  Oh, come on!

Then I get this:

"Think about it written glass moon."

Hmm.  Now that's interesting.  Low and behold, my son runs up to me and says, "Dad!  I found my shooter marble I lost!" almost at the same moment.

I'm like, "Holy shit" and I snap a pic:

Yes, my date and times are off because I changed the batteries before all this, but who cares:  The same time is what's important to me.

"Think about it written glass moon."

Nothing came of it, but like all things "Bunny" I've learned to log it and set it aside until it's meaning becomes clear.

I celebrated Valentines day with my ex and 2 kids.  We had a really good time.  Since I'm Asexual now, there's no feelings for her sexually, in fact we rather consider each other "siblings", although it's kinda weird because we have kids together, but that's the way it is.

I had given the kids a little money to get her a valentines gift, and she thanked me profusely for it.  It's funny.  The more I give, the more I receive.  It wasn't that expensive but she really loved it.  It was a silver plated heart with a purple simulated amethyst accent necklace.

Not exactly pricey.  She ended up taking me out to eat with them (and on this side of the river I might add, which means they came to my stomping grounds to IN from KY), and she gave me oodles of bags of food and stuff, plus bought me that dinner with them.  Like I said, the more I give, the more I receive sometimes.

I got home that evening and was kinda bummed at Bunny for not spending Valentine's Day night with me.  As in humping and humping and all the afterglow of "us" that comes with it.

The next day I was a bit bummed and returned a movie back to redbox ("Arrival" with Amy Adams of all things... it was based on humans/aliens learning to communicate with each other.  Ironic, lol) and decided to walk it there as I needed some fresh air anyway.

I decided to keep my mind open to things in case Bunny responded to me talking to her the previous night about how I felt, and about how I was disappointed that she didn't show up for Valentine's Day.

As I was walking, I found, of all things, a marble.  Right in a salvation army parking lot that I crossed through.

I was rather boggled at such a strange find, when I remembered the shooter marble and what was said about it.

As soon as I made that connection, I heard Bunny in my mind.  She said, "There are some things... I can not eclipse."

I thought about that a bit, and I knew what she meant.

I had such a wonderful time with my ex and the kids that previous early evening.  It is a good memory, and one that lets me know that I'm on the right path.

Bunny has always been very respectful of my children when they are here at my house for visitation.

I believe that she was not wanting to intrude on the memory of the dinner that I and my ex and kids had.

She did not want to "eclipse" that.  Trust me, when me and Bunny have sex together everything else is pretty much eclipsed.

Isn't that amazing?  I've never met anyone so respectful.

I was feeling jovial this evening after my day, so I made some succubus memes just for the fun of it. I hope that you enjoy them :)

Lol, yes, this is how a succubus thinks, hahaha.

Hahaha, this is me and Bunny.

"Hey, hey Bunny. Can I feel that invisible crown thingy on my head again?"

Ah, the games they play.  Which usually leads to more trouble:

Heh, never have things "gone wrong" been so much fun :P

A succubus's fangs carry a venom that causes great verility (or so it's said).  Whatever they do, they make your dick as hard as a diamond.  Your dick will get so hard that you could easily get a part-time job punching holes in steel with it.

Heh, mating season... not sure why some succubloggers don't experience this.  Our mating season is about every 6 months.  And yes, there's a chase to it.  It has it's own... mmm... je ne sais quoi :P

Aaaaaand... this is why you run :)

Better love her, or she'll use that trojan brand succubus whip on ya.

Meh, she'll use it anyways :P

My most difficult post.

I believe that this is going to be the most difficult post I've ever written.

Bunny has been rather rapidly back and forth as of late.  And I think I know why now.  She was giving me space as I was about to make a breakthrough, which I think I have done this evening.

Oh boy, this is hard stuff, but since this blog is first and foremost my diary of sorts, I'm going to write it.

Here goes a bit of my history which "made me" and brought me to this point today.

I am going to show you how amazing something is that's intangible, and how what is tangible must bow to it by it's very impact over time.

When I was very little, perhaps 2 or 3, my mother was gone.  She was away in another state at college.  She had me while still in high school, which was pretty rare back in the 70's.

I remember this... ache... for my mother.  It's a primal longing for that nothing can satisfy.  And nothing did.


She would visit when she could... and wow, what a lifetime it was between visits to me.  I might has well of have lived 5 lifetimes and reincarnated to equal the time and distance that I felt longing for her.

She was gone for over a year or two, and that might has well just been an eternity or two, to a young boy of 2 or 3.

I remember my dreams when I was a young boy.  They were always the same, only varying in some slight differences.

One was that she and I were in a car together and when I looked outside the window, when I looked back she was gone, but the car was still driving itself.  When I'd return to looking out the window and looked back, she'd be there.

Another was her putting me on a train by myself, and there were no other passengers nor a conductor. The train would make many stops, and they were to different worlds... but I never got back to the start to where my mother put me on the train.

I was always alone, and longing.

One dream that especially frightened me was one where I was in the middle of a tornado outside my house. I was yelling, trying to get my mother and my grandmother and grandfather to hear me to help me, but all I could do was grab onto the grass, and the wind would pull me up with my hands ripping the grass out and spiralling around still, no matter how many times I tried to gain a footing.

When I was a little older, I think around 5 or so, my mother let my hair grow long... I think because she really wanted a girl.

I was told many times at the age of 7+ that I was the product of rape by my father.  I learned in my adult life that this was a bold faced lie.  I do think, however, that my mother would have believed this lie that she so clung to as she walked into planned parenthood to cut me out of her... if I had been born 2 years later.

She also used to make sure I knew that, "She could have been anything in the world, except I came along."  I got that a lot.

When I was a young teen, she joined a feminist group, and would take me to meetings.  I could feel the eyes of the women in the room boring into my fucking skull.  And probably, my very soul, with hate.

If you've ever wondered why I tend to go off on feminism, now you know.  I "studied" feminism by proxy starting from the age of a young tween.

I learned to hate men, especially myself.

I never hated my mother.  She was a child who made a mistake, who raised a child in turn.

I remember many times how helpless I felt as she cried, usually because she had no idea how we would make it.  I remember feeling so powerless.  Feminism never did bring her a cure for her pain, it only brought poison for her to swallow, and poisoned me as well.

I married when I was in my early 20's.  You know how they say that if you're a man you marry your mother?

I was no exception.

I don't know the exact count of affairs she had on me, but I was a cuck in taking her back, time after time.

Do you know why?  Because men are shit and this is what a man deserves.  I felt that as truth so deeply that I wasn't even conscious of it.  It was all just an insideous rot.

I had no soul.  I guess I did, but it was nothing resembling one. It was but a dark pit, bathed in blood and tears, scars, loneliness, and torturous despair.

I was also in full blown bipolar by this time, and it was undiagnosed.

Everywhere I went to get help, they didn't even bother trying to help me... they just wanted the cash for the visit.  I had tried 7 different avenues to try to find out what was wrong deep within and gave them all the time requested of me, yet they all ended the same:  With cash leaving my pocket, and leaving as empty of hope as when I had arrived.

My ex-wife finally had an exit affair with my "father figure" and "best friend".

I was crushed and devastated.  Life had no meaning, not that it ever did.  It was as if Hell found me, and this was my eternal sentence since birth:  To suffer.

I dreamed many, many times of my ex-wife and 2 young children (my son, aged 6 months.  My daughter aged 4) walking hand-in-hand into the distance with my ex-friend.

Back then, I was beyond suicidal.  I'm not even sure I was still human.  I was simply "death" and "dead" all at once.

I was beyond the capacity to feel anymore.  There was nothing but emptiness...

There's a theory in western Hermeticism that at some point a magician must cross the great Abyss, to begin is to have one's identity ripped away by rending claws until nothing is left.

I have no fear of this as I've already experienced it.  The only difference was that I did not cross the Abyss.  The Abyss came to me.  No, there was no heavenly welcome on the other side because I am only speaking in similarities to what must be the experience.

I didn't even care what my name was anymore, and anyone who said my name... it just didn't register that "I" was "he".

I was saved from death... from what I had planned.  After all, those who have nothing left cannot ponder things like the future, or anything that requires "thought".

When I was about to die, a strange thing happened.

Something "warped" into my reality.  I was in the basement at the time and was ready to die.

It was a She, and She only said 3 words, "No, RAFE, NO!"  Well, my real name instead of "Rafe" of course.

There were a few things that hit me all at the same moment.

1.  She, this being, was clothed in robes, almost Greek or Roman.  She had laurels in her hair, along with a crown.  She was very beautiful, but not in a sexual way (not to me).

2.  In those 3 short words I felt POWER, majesty, love, and concern, as well as a commanding presence to obey, even though her words were full of the emotion of love for me.

3.  She spoke as if she had known me forever, since the beginning of time.

4.  I was stunned... unable to move.  It was almost as if her "warping" into my reality did not compute to my physical brain.  I could not move, nor speak.

5.  She vanished and the "space" that she occupied went back to normal.  Once I could move again, I decided to obey and to not take my own life.  What haunted me was the love for me that radiated through her words.

Wanna hear a secret?  I'm more scared of the Angel lady than ANYTHING on this earth or beyond.  Yes, she's loving, but the POWER... I've felt nothing like it my whole life.  She felt like the "Sun" itself.

Then next morning I was sitting on those same steps smoking a cigarette.  I still had no emotion within me but was an empty husk.

Another being was there, but different.  I could feel her put her head on my shoulder, and I could feel her long, soft hair cascade down my chest and abdomen.

This was not a sexual act, but one of comforting.  I do not know who she was, nor the powerful woman who appeared to me the day before.

The "Comforter"

After these events, and realizing that my temporary respite from trying to do myself in might cave at some point, I went to the hospital and got help.  It took 3 times for them to figure out that I had bipolar, but it was still one hell of a struggle to survive, much less live.

Once the doctor who diagnosed me worked with me on medicine for a good while, my healing would slowly begin.

I struggled a lot with my so very young children.  It's hard to be a father to a baby under a year old, and a little girl who's world was still spinning.

Gradually, I began to heal... little by little.

Being that "Powerful female beings warping into my reality" didn't exactly gel with what I had been taught at church (that angels were genderless), I began searching.

And search I did.  I finally went through a RCIA program at the local catholic church (because, well, at least they had a heck of a lot of powerful women, one who may have been the one) and was baptized, confirmed, and took the name of, "St. Dymphna", patron saint of mental illness.

Seemed fitting at the time :)

But... that still didn't reach far enough for how far I was prepared to go spiritually.  After having a point in my life where everything that was "me" was stripped away, I also had no boundaries to where I would search.  I just didn't know where to start.

I ended up learning Reiki and took everything I could.  I think after 3 years I had racked up about 60 attunements.  I spend 2 whole years in detox, lol.  I had also enrolled in and finished around 50 courses at a school that taught Wicca through distance learning, first earning my 1st degree, and then my 2nd degree of Witchcraft.  I was to sit for my 3rd degree exams when I split.  It was too much like "just another religion" to me, and I had already learned the material and digested it... I wasn't too worried about an official diploma for 3rd.

After that, I enrolled in and completed 2 degrees (both of which would probably qualify me for a position as a Walmart greeter), the first in Spiritual Healing, and the 2nd in Metaphysics.

My next stop was at a site that promised anyone could summon a succubus (I've since decided that this is not true:  For instance if some one is fated to meet their soul mate in the flesh, a succubus most likely will be not allowed... and that's just an example, there are a plethora of factors, I am sure).

I read the material, made my statement of intent, and in 2 nights she arrived.

I don't believe this one was "Bunny", and she didn't stay long.  I afterwards modified my intent to, "And if you're not the best succubus suited for me, please allow for the one who is to come."

When I tried soon after, that's when I think "Bunny" came.

Ah, Bunny.

For a man used to feeling like nothing, for a man who was so used to being torn apart by women...

Bunny.

The one who taught me that I was ok.  That being a man is ok.  That it is a reason to be happy with who and what I am.  She did this.  She taught me the truth, the Divine truth of what I am.

She taught me what is right about men and women together on Earth, and also what is terribly eschew.

She's always been so sweet and gentle to me.  Well, except for "mating season" every 6 months where she gets all feral.  Doesn't bother me much.  Ride away, Bunny, do whatcha gotta do :)

She's always been a mentor, and a friend.  She nags sometimes when it's for my own good, and she scolds quite gently.  She is loving.  So loving...

What a woman!  I can't even see her, but I can feel her.  Her emotions, sometimes her "word picture" thoughts.

But most of all, I can feel her love for me.

She, and what she does has softened me as of late, and especially through these 3 years.

Bunny's femininity and power are not used to manipulate me, nor berate me.

She celebrates me as a man, and she is gentle and sweet with me, so as to heal me as we go.

I no longer feel a wounded "hate" towards women.

How can I?

3 years with Bunny has softened me, healed my wounds, restored me.

And now that I'm what I call a "Newborn son of Lilith" (having had dreams before I summoned her where I was an infant, suckling her breast), who has also been nothing but wonderful to me, I just can't hate anymore.

I have all this pain, ache, and death of the soul in my past.  And I have all this support, and love, and kindness in my present.

And the present has worn down my sharp edges, the barbed wire surrounding my heart.

Lilith:  Immortalis Regina.

And Bunny:  So intertwined with me, I now know what femininity, power, and sensuality SHOULD be.

I've gained the power to keep my birth mother at arm's length.  Her barbs cannot harm me anymore, and yet I can interact with her as I must.  I do not show disdain with her, but can be myself.  How did I get this power?

My ex-wife and I have a wonderful relationship now, she considers me her closest friend, and tells me that she will always have my back.  She has divorced the man she left me for which I find ironic. We give small gifts to each other and the like as friends.  I'm distant, of course, but it is a nice working relationship for the children's sake.  She actually gives more than she takes now.  She even brags to others about our working relationship with the kids, and her and her mother tell me, "You're a great father!" now.  Lol.  Such an ironic world.

She even knows about Bunny now and didn't bat an eye when I finally told her.  She said she doesn't care because I've grown so much.  Hah.  I have to say:  I wasn't expecting that :)

It was the combined effort of Angel, Succubus, Goddess, and I don't know who all else... women destroyed me, yet much greater women restored my heart and my soul tenderly.

Having a wonderful succubus who nursed me back to being as healthy in my attitudes as I can be, along with a "Foster Mother" who is very similar to Bunny's persona (albeit x10,000).

How does all this fit into my cosmology?  I think all of these beings... angels, succubi, Gods, Goddesses, all work together more cooperatively than we'll ever know.  I think it's more amazing than we will ever understand here, at least.  I don't think everyone works cooperatively, but I think more do than we would be capable of understanding... especially in this plane of duality where it all seems set up for us each to "take sides".

I've certainly seen that in the magick that I have pursued beyond what little I have talked about here and there.  Bunny and other spirits have been there to help me to learn and to understand.

I'll be honest:  I need all the help I can get from wherever it comes.  As long as I don't piss off, "The Angel Lady," I'm good.  I've done alright by her so far.  I have a strong feeling that she'd "ring my bell" if I haven't.

*Big Grin*

Things are turning out ok.  I'm not perfect and there's still some deep scars, but I'm getting there.

The funny part?  People say I'm more intuitive with women and understand them better than I ever have, and that I have grown so much over past (and especially in the last 3 years) 9 years that they can't figure out how I've done it.

So if you ever think you're in that point of no return, don't think:  Get help.  The future is ironic.  Get help and the world turns... sometimes it just takes a little while.

Bunny said something to me very recently.  It was, "You are greatly favored in my house."  I THINK she means with both her and her family.  Difficult for me to understand the exact meanings sometimes... as I said, she communicates in what I call, "word pictures."  Not easy to digest or sort out most of the time.  It's like a burst of emotion and pictures, all compressed within a very short thought.

But at least I always figure out what she means at some point.

Now, you can see how the intangible has proved more powerful than anything else in my life... even what afflicted me when I was so very young.  

It truly is a mystery.

I wanted to write all of this to say that, "I'm at peace with women now."

But I'm no cuck, anymore.  The greater women of Spirit have also instructed me where I was in need:

"Treat me with respect and it shall be returned.  Otherwise, I expect and want NOTHING from anyone..."

Saved by an angel, loved by a succubus, suckled by a Goddess.

I am a new creation.