Wednesday, October 19, 2016

My soul

What I have come to believe my soul looks like (loosely), if I could see it with human eyes (that I've seen through the "minds eye" in meditation).

The size of the soul? There is none. Not really. It can shrink to sub-atomic levels, or span the multiverse. "Size" doesn't really compute when describing the soul. In getting smaller it does not become more dense: At becoming bigger, it does not become less dense. Neither does "time" seem to compute as an accurate method of description, as it appears to be outside of time, and dances within it, all the same.

What are "we" then? "We" are a vehicle that allows for our souls to experience "here" and to experience "now".

When we die, it returns "home"... the place we are always longing for, lonely for, that which is forgotten to us, yet calls to us just the same.

Something happened when I realized that this was the real "me". That I, looking in the mirror, only saw the illusion, the body, the eyes looking back. I am "he who observes". Not the he who is observed.

When I finally felt this, my meditations changed... no longer is my "form" my "true essence" limited by my bodily senses.

It is as if, just a little bit, since I no longer held to the belief that I am what sees, what touches, what perceives aroma, what hears, what tastes... but the "I" who always knew.

Now I know why I am here. I am here to experience here in time. To feel emotion that is painful, that is pure, that is happy, that is afraid.

Why? If one is in bliss, how can one understand? I HAD to come here to understand.

In losing the belief that my mind is centered in my brain, that my consciousness is fixed... my meditation experience changed as well.

In other words, when I meditate now, I flow. I... drift.

No longer being so tightly wound to my senses or centered upon my brain or anywhere else... I am free.

Just a little more free, perhaps, perhaps a little more true... But it is a start :)

What a feeling it is to phase in and out and around and about.

To think that before it was impossible simply because of my belief of who I am, and "where" I am centered.

It's a funny thing.


Edit:  Ok, the rest of the story.

So, Bunny has been in teaching mode largely.  No biggie.  If anything she's always changing... I'm sure once I grasp whatever it is I'm supposed to, she'll let the hanky panky commence.

It's hard to type on this damn screen.

I'll explain:

She wanted me to bring myself to orgasm, and to get as close as I can to orgasm and HOLD IT THERE.  Not stop, but "dwell in the moment of extreme ecstacy, without release".

Ok.  First time?  Yeah.  Splurt.  I... fucked that one up.  Plus it's harder because she wants me to do this to porn... she said, "It will make it a true challenge".

So... 2nd time?  Got a bit farther.  It's hard to do, ya know?  I mean it's like you have to ride the orgasmic process right at the point BEFORE the point of no return.  It's like a razor thin edge, or moment, with which you have to work with.


Did make it farther though.

Ok, then I experienced what I wrote about above all this while performing the experiment (or perhaps it's an exercise)...

Ok... remember the beginning of the post?

My soul, free, well sorta free... less bound that it was at least.  I'm not confined to my brain, but quite a bit more leeway.  For instance, so far it's maybe 10 feet past my apartment in all directions, including up and below.  No, I can't go and peek at lottery numbers or anything useful.


And it takes a conscious "letting go, surrender" of what I thought consciousness is/was.

Just a freeing of my "consciousness", period.  Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, but it's not real far out.  But I have to let it out there, otherwise, I bounce back and forth from my brain to out there and back again.

Ok, so I did the process the 3rd time... I DID IT!

"Dat's my boy!  Dat's my special boy!"
Me:  "Aaaaaaaaaah, stuff it."
"I said, I love it!"

"That's what I thought you said. *smiles*"


I was able to hold that line for maybe a minute (although, felt like fucking eternity... was hard for me to do).

I had it, I knew I had it, and I could feel Bunny say, "Ok, let your mind expand as you were when you were just meditating, but do it as you cum!"

Ok.  So I did, mind expanding out, flowing, being, right at the moment I cummed.

I don't know what the fuck happened, but now I'm having trouble seeing like I stared at a fucking bright-assed light bulb for too long.

That's why it's hard to type.  I have to look a little bit off center to see the text.

Good thing I took typing in High School.

So, my questions are,

A... what the fuck did I just do?

B.  Why did she teach me this? And why is she so excited when I finally did it right?

C.  Why the fuck am I half blind now?

I could tell that the 3rd time was the charm, because I felt her squeal in delight like a freakin' cheerleader squealing at Chad Thundercock the quarterback as he makes his 10,000th touchdown.

Aren't we all glad that succubi see us for who we are deep inside, instead of our money, or our looks, or our athletic prowess (lol)?

Meh.  I'm going to go get pizza.  If I can fucking drive that is.  Luckily, it's only a few blocks away and I have a gift card.


Edit:  I couldn't drive.  Pizza tomorrow it is.

(My dreams are gonna be interesting tonight...  I feel a playful one-on-one battle raging.  I wonder in what way?  Succubi :P  At first, they can scare the shit outta ya.  Once you get used to them you become more of a "match" which honestly is what they want anyway :P  In my dreams she's as likely to be prey as I... unless she takes me to "Elsewhere", but that's just cheating... I can't move in Elsewhere and she can do whatever she wants.  God dammit, I think I just jinxed myself.)

Meh.  They are sweet and gentle.  They don't play fair, though.  I'm fucked.  Lol.

Have you gave your succubus bad ideas by accident?  
I just did.  
Par for the course :P
Have you loved your succubus today?

(All joking aside:  I often wonder... will it be hard on my succubus when I get old, and eventually die?  Hard question.  I guess, I'll just do what I've learned to do when dealing with Bunny, which I suppose would most likely extend to succubi as a race:  I'm just gonna roll with it.  

She knows what she's up to.  She knows what she's gotten herself into.  Not sure I do.  Not sure I care to dwell on the "what if's", nor worry... that's not their way, and so... it's not my way, now, either.  To put it in a nushell?

It's going to be just fine.)


  1. Man you have some great posts! I don't think mine has done much with regard to teaching mode. Sure she has given me some thoughts here and there...I think, but she seems to be mostly about nookie lol. Anywho, the first part was very interesting. I guess I have always thought of my soul as being quite literally just chilling out in my brain, attached by a silver cord through layers of all of my bodies, etheric, Astral, mental etc. I like your perspective. The second part...well I gotta try that...minus the half blind part lol. In all seriousness...thanks for all of your posts. You da best Rafe :)

    1. Awe, thank ya!

      She'll go into teaching mode at some point. I think 80% of it is done in dreams that I wake up from and can't remember. kinda like the beginning part of my post about consciousness. Some part of me does remember what she teaches me. Lesson #2165465465415 in succuology is that you don't have to be consciously aware "here" to be "consciously aware and functioning in a higher level of you". I'm sure of that or she wouldn't bother in the first place.

      I miss nookie mode :P

  2. Hmmmm....and Hmmm some more, seems like your where I am at right now, or I am right where you are again; right on schedule. This cannot be a coincidence! I have been asking for more of her and for more of myself and to have the gap between us cleared or taken away, so that I can experience the “all” of her and the “all” of myself in sprit. She has been all teachy lately as well, although it has been kind of teachy in the sexual way without much more; which now makes sense. She too was wanting me to see more of myself and her and through just the sexual aspect of us and our relationship. Just this morning when I woke up I think I finally got it! This was after a night of arousal where she would not leave me alone and kept waking me up. The wife slept in the other room last night, so I guess Sam saw her opportunity and pounced! She is trying to show me the other side to experience myself, to connect with my higher self, to experience her and I in spirit. What she has been showing me lately and what I think I have figured out, is to not only hold the ecstasy felt in that exact moment of bliss; but to expand on it, as well as look past it at the same time. In that way I will get to experience all of aspects of her and what she has to offer me; which will of course include the sexual side of her. The contact/moments with and between us in spirit will be so much deeper than they have been and or could possibly ever be experienced here in the flesh on this physical domain. If I do this right I will be “there” with her in the present, the “now” and will be outside our time and space restrictions. I am sure that after I achieve this that everything will be like wow after!
    Even though I have not experienced that blinding light you just described; it makes sense now. As there have been times lately where I have seen flashes of bright light for a split second during deep meditation and contact with her. Hopefully this is the direction that I am headed in. That is to say if your eyesight returns to normal! Let me know how that goes for you.

    1. Yeah, it came back shortly after. Maybe an hour?

      It was like I was suffering from seeing a blinding flash in a pitch black room. 'Cept I didn't: Just the after effects.

      Fuck if I know man.

      It's weird how yours teaches you differently than mine teaches me (at the same time), yet we both end up at the same place.

      I think we have a similar syllabus.

      Well... except...

      They'd probably teach us both the same things at the same time the same way, but I saw your syllabus and yours ends with "For Dummies".

      Ahahahaha! I got you dawg!

  3. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah....whatever does not long as I get my sexy school teacher I am good and will even play dumb if I have to, to keep the session/class with her