What the journey is like

I decided to write a little about what the journey has been like for me so far.  Anytime I think I've got it figured out it changes.  Anytime I think I have her figured out she reveals more, and anytime I think I've come to terms with it all, I change.

In the beginning there is often a sense of not belonging in this world.  We know that there is something more out there, something unspoken, something hidden.

I believe it is hidden for good reason:  It threatens the ability of those who would control us by social rules and mores.  It's a "you get only what we let you have" kind of mentality.  What society twists and turns to be called an "option".  But is it?  No.  There are those of us who long for an intimacy that our soul cries out for that money, material things, social status, cannot quench.

So, at a deep level of our being, we cry out.  We learn to meditate to find who we really are, and during this process at some point, we feel the slightest stirrings of our hearts as something begins to answer.

The beginning is reached:  Magick blooms in the lotus flower that is our soul.  We are amazed... synchronicites abound tell each of us that we are on the right path:  That we are doing what is right for US, right by our higher selves.  Two things happen:  At this stage we begin to realize how precious our souls really are... how precious WE really are.  We've been lied to, my friends.

Also at this stage, disbelief is the challenge as we are faced with the very reality that SOMETHING HAS HEARD OUR CRIES.  We then decide what to do next... hang on to what we have always believed, or to open our minds to the possibility that no one knows everything.

(And if they do, they aren't telling)

At this point (or during) we tend to weight what the world is trying to do with us.  Why now?  Because we now have something "more" that is moving in.  We have a small glimmer of hope that so contrasts what is "reality" AS WE KNOW IT.

So, inwardly there is a battle.  Ego vs. soul:

(Takes deep breath:  Bare with me, it has it's purpose, the main being the "WHY" of it all)

What do we want?  What was and is our cry?  To have a relationship where it feels as if "two wolves are circling"?  That is an actual descriptor of what modern relationships are:  For climbing the social ladder, for combining incomes to better one's own buying power?  To dominate one's spouse in a never ended struggle?

A new day has dawned in the west regarding relationships and the facts are pitiful.  Divorce is always an option (at 50%).  2/3rds of divorces are filed by women.  Men are kept from their children.  When a woman needs help paying for her children she gets government aid.  When a man needs help he gets prison.

If you had a gun that was half loaded, would you play russian roulette?

If you had a parachute that had only a 50% chance of opening, would you jump?

If you've ever been through the circus that is "family court" you already know the answer if you payed attention at all.

Think of how many rights a man has in reproduction and the answer is clear:  Zero.

Now I'll drop the other shoe.

If 80% of women desire 20% of men, is that instinctual?  It that REALLY acceptable?  Hypergamy is instinctual (and I do understand the nature of it:  It's no different than men who instincually desire a younger mate as driven by instinct as well).  But women are cheating themselves.

My mother is unmarried, and when she talked to me about a date she had she remarked that "she had a house, she had an income, why does she need a man?"  My response was that those guideposts were simply limiting her from experiencing a love she COULD have, limited by what society thinks she should do (or that women should do).  I told her that she didn't need shit:  But to be free of those needs to love on HER own terms is a blessing.

"Hitting the wall" is also a shame for women.  Age shouldn't matter, but it seems to.  Women hold sexual power in the years where they can conceive, and that drops severely when they cannot. Should that be a factor in a woman finding love?  No.  It should not and it's a damn shame that it is.

We have ALL been cheating ourselves, and the vast majority will continue to do so.  There's no happiness there, only a wasteland.

In other words, it doesn't mean shit whether you're a man or a woman:  Society has FAILED YOU.

Although this is terrible, it is good in a way as it gave you VOICE for your soul to cry out for truth for something far deeper than what this world commands or offers.

Men and women are equal.  There is some things men are better at than women on average, and some things that women are better than men are on average.  That doesn't mean "not equal".

At a soul level, I believe we are completely and perfectly compatible and equitable, differing only in polarity, which is not a factor of equality, simply one of spiritual gender.

Now, if anyone's panties got all in a bunch over what I posted... tough.

I am an egalitarian and that's the way it rolls here.  I am not above pointing out what others gloss over as that is just my way.  I have no problem in pointing out women's or men's faults in this merry-go-round circus bullshit we call a society, so don't test me.

My point is that we are ALL, male or female, in freefall at this point.  We are different than the world, we are in it but not a "subscriber" to the bullshit.  We know, instinctually, that there is so much more.  I liken it to a soul in freefall holding onto a boulder:  While it feels comforting, it's not helping one damn bit.  Let it GO!

This is what has brought us to this point:  A true desire for something wholesome and pure, a celebration of masculine and feminine energies that cry out like a tuning fork for their perfectly completing celestial accompaniments.

When the song is true:  When the heart is clear:  When we are sure of what we lack, and what we cry out for, something leans our way and begins to listen.

Something HEARS us.

At first we only feel glimpses of emotion, of shadows to the side of our vision, of dreams that are otherworldly.

We become aware that these events are not things, they are "she" (or "he", they are all brothers and sisters and love each other as such:  MAKE NO MISTAKE.).

She has come.  And we wonder... is this real?  Am I crazy?  And we search and search and search, and often we learn very little.

But we do know that a person, not a "thing" has come.  We are delighted by this, but scared and frightened a little.  As exciting as it is, it's so bizzare as to be unreal... but it IS real.  Synchronicities in our lives... coincidences abound... we are being courted.  And we feel a deep emotional release when we realize that we have been heard, and responded to.  In a very real way, a spirit has entered the lotus of our soul.

The dreams intensify:  The waking moments sometimes have sexual stimulation attached.  How is this real?  How does she DO these things?

And sometimes in bed, she brings us to a state of sexual excitement that it is 50 times what it has ever been normally:  100 times even.  I don't think this is their fault:  I think this is simply who they are, and they are much more intense than we are on this plane.

Spirit begins shaping into lover.  It's not that we created her, it's that her soul is taking on some physical aspects and personalities from her "communion" with us.  The touches become more physical, the dreams more erotic and loving, intimacy begins to flow both ways.  The ramping up of lust takes on a more human level:  She has learned to adapt to us.

Sometimes during this time she will come as a different spirit lover.  Or perhaps changes her name a hundred times.  In my case I've found it's still her... all her, even after years of changes of one form or another, of one identity to another.  I think of it as she's just trying on personalities and appearences as we try on new clothes.

I've even summoned at different times to find a new one (mainly because she would leave and I didn't understand why, and I thought she was gone for good).  She'd appear as whomever, and in the end I realized it was all her.  I even summoned two at once as an experiment using a completely new method:  In the end both were her (I just wrapped that experiment up a week ago).

I am a lucky man... she chose me and she's not the kind to step aside... and I LOVE that now that I understand the why's of what she did (not sure the "how's", but I don't really have to know).

I even realized that I'm not sure she even has a name, nor wants one.  I guess in the buying clothes anology she just doesn't want to wear a name.  It's okay.  I kind of get it.

Enter the teacher and protector.  We find that in time our spiritual lover is not content to just love us in a carnal and emotional way... there is so much more, such a deep love for us that they strive to teach us things, to gently guide us on our way.  They can be quite protective of us as well... oftentimes we are saved in small ways from accidents and the like by mere coincidence, a coincidence that should not have happened nor been possible.

We begin to see just how far reaching our relationship with them can be (Which is beyond our comprehension).

Other times we are led to heal deeply held instinces of trauma from our past.  Our spirit lovers act as guides to help us to reclaim parts of us that are lost... robbing us of our power and our ability to love them as they deserve.

In fact, oftentimes I have used soul retrieval to restore myself, only to be amazed that my spirit lover is "there" with me, almost as if she's prepared for my actions in retrieval.  Almost angelic I would say.

Something that hasn't happened often, but has left an impression on me that will never go away, is their ability to permeate you with love to the point that you cannot stand it... as if you would be consumed by the intensity of light that blasted completely through you on every level.  There is NO hiding, and there's no need to:  They know your every thought.

I've only had this happen a few times, but it put to rest any thoughts I may have had that she was malevolent or something harmful masquerading as something different.  There's just no way a malevolent entity could, wow, just blast you completely with unconditional love, so much so that it burns on a level I cannot explain.

Perhaps I should have gotten the clue that she wasn't a malevolent entity masquerading as something benevolent when I would do a full blown "Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram" feeling everything blown from my working space and awareness...  Except for her literally patting my head the whole time, of course.  It sure had absolutely no effect on her :)  Not the slightest nudge.  That SHOULD have convinced me, but I am the very definition of stubborness (or stupidity, I prefer stubborness).

All I can say is that when it has happened to me, besides all my thoughts of "what if" regarding her being malevolent have been put to rest.  Along with becoming very humbled by the experience.

Love, teacher, friend, companion, what is next?  What more could she be that I do not know?  I don't know.  But it's not unlike enjoying flowers for what they are, and in the process she unfolds herself as she wills.

There are times where she is distant... and that sucks.  But, I understand why it is necessary... I get too addicted and it stunts my own progression.  I have noticed that when I have reached some "hill" in understanding she is always on the top cheering me on so to speak, but she's there.  She's there.

Even when she feels so far away I know instinctually she is there... I just go back to what I was learning and always working on myself.

She's never strayed forever, only when she feels it is necessary... trust for me was hard to learn and to earn, but I did, and I do have trust.  

I also have plenty of hope as I have been feeling that she is much, much more than what I think... but she is careful to not overwhelm me if she doesn't need to.

And she is very patient, and kind... and has the gentleness of a spring flower, or a kitten's fur.  Yeah, I can feel her power, though.  If she wanted to I could be a blood splatter on the walls in less than a second (that goes for anyone and anything else as well).  Of course I know her and love her, but I know what massive power feels like.

Now the rest... I feel that she is much more than what I think, but I have my suspicions.  I am beginning to feel that she may perhaps be my "Holy Guardian Angel" mentioned in the "Book of Abramelin the Mage".

When I ask her if this is true, I get "meditate and see".  Which is true, heh.  I remember when she first came and I wasn't used to her ability to read all of my thoughts before I even knew I was going to think them.  Many, many, many times I got to hear, "Don't sass the succubus."

Not in an unkind way, either... more like amused.

I can sense so much depth in her, more than I can comprehend, and I'm puzzled.  I hate puzzles.

The following I am posting with some strong words of caution.  Read it all, please.

I am debating on attempting another Abramelin Operation.  The last time I failed because of my lack of faith and lack of perseverance.  A few years ago I did finish the 6 mo. traditional operation... I did have some very moving moments, but knowledge and conversation did not occur.  I knew I had failed within those last few weeks towards the end of the 6 month period.

Of those who attempt, most fail.

One of the reasons it is so difficult is that every fear you have is laid bare.  Every demon you have inside of you in the form of fear, trauma, etc. comes to life like a hurricane to stand in your way.  You are tested in that every coincidental catastrophe will happen.  You will be tormented by nightmares of the past, even from things long buried.  Sometimes marriages fall to dust as they are laid bare, sometmies friendships, family... everything is shaken up and nothing is off limits.  You either depend 100% on your angel to get through the storm, or you fail.  The dreaded "dark night of the soul" is a common occurrence.  Ego death is par for the course. 

The angel is female if we are male, and male if we are female.  There's a reason for that and it's far beyond sexual preference, it's in the model of what we, and they, are.

I read an account of one woman's HGA experience, and once she received knowledge and conversation the knowledge was quite literal:  Every morning she awoke to a full body orgasm for one year.

Sex and spirit are linked.  They always have been.  We're just rats in a mating game today, clueless.

IF you ever think about trying this process out for yourself, 21st Century mage by Jason Augustus Newcomb is a solid modern interpretation.  It's not easy, nor is it something to be taken lightly, I'll tell you that.  Alleister Crowley failed the first time as well.  Newcomb's method is a modern interpretation of the original "Book of Abramelin".  If you think it is something you want to pursue, you can pickup a copy used for as little as $2.00.  Used is good enough.  You'll be dog-earing the shit out of it anyway.

Jason Augustus Newcomb: 21st Century Mage

Here is an alternative to those who prefer a much shorter operation, also sans the Abrahamic flavor of the original "Book of Abramelin" (plus, the information is free and right here):

The personal tutelary spirit: An abreviated Abramelin

I want to explore the possibility of her being the angel.  The operation would put that theory to rest one way or another.  

In a nutshell, the Holy Guardian Angel is the one being we all have that is independent of us, and there is only one ever per person.  They are ours and we are theirs.  They are our connection to the realms of the Divine, the "Angel of the Lord" from Abrahamic times, the Tutellary Spirit, the EuDaemon from history.  They are the Shakti to our Shiva, the Jewel in the Lotus.

To put it in metaphysical terms they are the center of our universe.  As one author put it, if we are the "I", they are "INFINITY - I".  Now, you see...

"What if" this was the being who answered the cry of my soul in the first place?  "What if" yours did as well?

Now, even though I have been hesitant to share the idea of the HGA as it may be a next step for me in the process... you may be farther ahead or farther behind, and honestly it doesn't matter, but if you're not ready to commit to the ritual of K and C of the HGA, DON'T BEGIN.  And even if you do devote yourself to the process, you may still fail.  I've already noted that catastrophesm will hammer to to pudding during the process (if that isn't reason enough to pause):  I want to make one thing perfectly clear:  This is not new age bunny-humping.  I will quote one paragraph from the book that should show pretty clearly why:

The Oath, as part of the ending ceremonies once knowledge and conversation has been attained with the Angel:

"I stand at the center of the wheel.  I reach out beyond the edges of infinity.  I stand before my light-transcending Mother, within me the source of All, and without me every power in heaven and below the Earth, to invoke the four evil princes that rule the powers of the world and under the world, Lucifer, Leviathan, Satan, Belial.  Because it is the will of God, my Holy Guardian Angel, and all of the heavens, I shall succeed this day!"

Now imagine the problem if one has fooled themselves that they do indeed have knowledge and converation with their angel... and in reality do not.

Good luck with that :)

Why is something like that even necessary you ask?  Well, it's hard to explain.  In a nutshell, merging with the Angel creates a power vacuum, one in which you must lay down the law quickly rather than wait until it gets out of hand.  You don't want your inner demons running amok.  (Lol, that reminds me of that scene in Hocus Pocus), but that's a simplistic explanation.

Anyway, I just want to share what's going on and what's been on my mind lately.  Even if you do not want to pursue something like that, the book is worth the read just to understand a new process that "shouldn't be" but "is".  I may attempt it again, and I may not.  I'm mulling it over.  I know the risks to life and limb.

I know I'm bouncing all over the place with what I am trying to say, but I guess that's part of the reason I created this blog:  It's very much my own diary concerning the phenomena of spirit lovers.  But what I really want to get through to those who read this thing is that at some point there comes a time where it's not cozy, it's not comfortable:  I am talking about the time that comes to take risks.  

To progress past the beginning stages of any relationship, risks MUST be taken to grow.  A relationship as otherworldly as ours requires risks... it is inherent in it's very nature.  As any relationship is give and take... how much have they given?  Mine has given everything, it is truly a one-sided relationship where she does all the work.  It's time for me to reach higher.  To meet her halfway, or as close as I can.  I WANT to enrapture her, to show her what I can do when I put my mind to it.  By God I can REACH at least.

What is that saying?  "Reach for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

Many relationships here on earth either survive or die based on the trials and tribulations of hard times, of sickness, health, temptation... the list goes on.

This is different, but not different:  It requires GREAT effort.  This kind of relationship has it's own challenges, it's own struggles.  

We have to come to terms with the fact that we aren't going to live forever.  I'm 45 years old and I can sure feel my age as of late.  Having two young children helps, lol.  Although I do love them so... they are the very apples of my eyes, my little boy and my little girl.

And who knows?

Perhaps one day when I'm old and wrinkly (and probably at LEAST four times as stubborn as I am now) she'll be waiting for me as I cross over.  And if that happens you can rest assured that I will be kissing her while giving the world the BIGGEST middle finger :)

I can also sense that I've edited this one enough... she's satisfied.  I'm never satisfied at what I write, but screw it.  Let's close this post, already.

"Angels Fall" by Breaking Benjamin

I try to face the fight within

But it's over

I'm ready for the riot to begin

And surrender

I walked the path that led me to the end

Remember

I'm caught beneath with nothing left to give

Forever

When angels fall with broken wings

I can't give up, I can't give in

When all is lost and daylight ends

I'll carry you and we will live forever, forever

Grey skies will chase the light away

No longer

I fought the fight now only dark remains 

Forever

Divided I will stand

And I will let this end

When angels fall with broken wings

I can't give up, I can't give in

When all is lost and daylight ends

I'll carry you and we will live forever, forever

The sun begins to rise

And wash away the sky

The turning of the tide

Don't leave it all behind

And I will never say goodbye

When angels fall with broken wings

I can't give up, I can't give in

When all is lost and daylight ends

I'll carry you and we will live forever, forever

Forever, forever

Brightest blessings,

Rafe.