Friday night I had an awakening of sorts. I would call it a "taste". I'll explain.
I have written about my pondering regarding going through the long, arduous process necessary for merging and how, although I did finish 6 months of ritualistic meditation I did not succeed.
You see, Friday night she came and gave me a reminder of what happened (which I guess my mind glazed over as time and the mind seem to do as a team). What happened is that I got scared. It takes quite a bit to scare me. Well, at least I believe that. It does seem true most of the time (I call it a side effect of insanity), but I felt it Friday night... all that I had felt at the end of my attempt those years ago, and why I failed... I felt it again.
Do you know what it's like to be visited by your Angel? I can only put it in terms that can translate poorly, but in a way that sort of makes sense: It's like a mouse finds itself not before a cat, before the Lioness Goddess Bast, Herself.
I was so freaked out by my Angel's energy that I send the excess to a friend. Then an hour or so later I took it back into myself where it belonged... it was my burden. Sending it was instinctual but taking it back was the right thing to do and a conscious decision. I guess I ran over my buddy with the metaphorical short bus, then put the bus in reverse and backed over him for good measure.
Gotta love me :) (Thanks bro for holding onto it while I finished freaking out)
Regardless, She opened the floodgates of emotion and fear that I felt (and seemingly blocked, as I did not recall until I was visited in this way). I get it, Angel. Loud and clear.
I know what she is trying to tell me: Get over my fear, come to terms with who/what She is and FINISH IT!
Angels, demons, angels, demons.
You see, I realized in that moment of visitation that I had learned a valuable truth.
Let me share some words from the "Bornless Ritual", the invocation to the angel. This is only a small part of the beginning of it, but I want to make a point:
"Thee I invoke, the Bornless one.
Thee, that didst create the Earth and the Heavens.
Thee, that didst create the Night and the day.
Thee, that didst create the darkness and the Light.
Thou art Osorronophris: Whom no man hath seen at any time.
Thou art Iabos:
Thou art Iapos:
Thou hast distinguished between the just and the Unjust.
Thou didst make the female and the Male.
Thou didst produce the Seed and the Fruit.
Thou didst form Men to love one another, and to hate one another..."
Do you see that last line? I spoke those words (and the much longer portion that follows it) of the ritual 2x a day for 6 months, but I never understood that last line of the short snippet that I shared until now.
We see angels and demons, angels and demons... because we are HERE.
If we existed within a much higher reality, there is no distinction.
Earth/Heavens, Night/Day, Darkness/Light, Just/Unjust (The text suggests that they distinguished, not that it was an inherent division to them at their level of being), Female/Male, Seed/Fruit, Love/Hate.
Love/Hate. Good/Evil. Light/Dark.
Means shit to them... can you see it now?
There is no difference when viewed from a higher reality. All things are or they are not. The manifest, or the unmanifest. The rest is irrelevant.
Now let us see the blending of some concepts, in a way us humans can grab out of thin air.
We are driven to do both, and therefore to shape who we are.
Once I was granted to view things how spirits do. The world was grey, there was no color inherent in the world... but oh... people... every shade of color eminating from their hearts. They glowed like a beacon, a lighthouse upon a stormy sea. To spirits we are an open BOOK.
Angel, demon, angel, demon. She is both blended so closely to be impossible for my tiny human mind to contemplate.
Who, then, is an angel? A demon? We are. We always have been. We are both. We're no damn different than our Angel is (I should really just use HGA to make this less confusing) we only differ by magnitude. A candle held up the Sun, perhaps. We are capable of the 7 heavenly virtues. We are also damned and the 7 deadly sins are far within reach and part of our life experience.
I do not doubt that there are angels and demons, but I also doubt that they do not have their correspondence deep within us. In other words, Archangel Michael (for example) exists quite well in the multiverse. He is he, he is as real as rain. But... he also dwells within us: As above, so below as the maxim states.
We are both by the very structure of the multiverse. If it exists, it's in here *tap tap*.
Belial? Leviathan? Right in that head of yours, friend *tap tap*. There is no difference. That is the irony and my "vision". Perhaps the vision of the Holy Guardian Angel so spoken about is more of a knowing than an actual cornucopia of the Angel in scary, glorious, or sexy poses. Lol :)
I'm going to go a little off topic (I know, very guilty anyway) but I spent a year learning Swedenborgian theology, and one thing I really thought made sense was that when one died they would come to a point in death where they knew the "loves of their heart". Intricacies abound, but the short of it is "serve others" or "serve one's self". Justice and mercy is served in that we go where we want to go. Those who become demons love it, those who become angels love it. Also we all are assigned a mate... one that is perfect for where we are, and who we are... some will exploit them in a hellish plane, or adore them in a heavenly one (some who are married on this earth will continue that in the afterlife, as they are already what would be a perfect match/fit in the afterlife). How the holy guardian angel fits into this is a mystery: I have no fucking clue. That's the problem with learning too many fucking cosmologies than is healthy :)
I'm writing about this because I'm trying to say that I DO believe all is well, the universe is enfolding as it should. So, I should trust. TRUST, TRUST, TRUST!
I thought this video was very "Swedenborgian" by accident... look at this fella's look of pleasure in the end, lol.
Even though the blog is about spirit lovers, since I am beginning to wade into the realm of "Tutellary spirit, Eudaemon, or even CacoDaemon" it is what it is and I'm going to explore it on here.
As I have said, the Angel is female if we are male, and male if we are female. What they are said to be is the being that was assigned to us at the very moment of our soul's birth. We are their charge through our development and final knowing of the love of our hearts.
And then? It's almost as if we were meant to be evil, they merge and we shall be what we shall be. And if good, they merge and we shall be what we shall be. Maybe it's hitting the "fast forward button" on figuring out the love of our hearts, so to speak.
Maybe we just zip to the end of the choice and work from there. Again, I have no fucking clue. I'm completely in the dark and just throwing out random thoughts.
I've often wondered if they are the mates we are to end up with, but I don't think so. I think they are more like a personal (yet Godlike) entity who will merge with us with some part of them at some time in our existence, either here or beyond.
I don't understand it, and my attempt to was derailed by FEAR. I wish I could give you a hint of what the fear is like. I was reading a Santera Priestess's account (in a book called "A little Death") where she opened a door in vision to the abode of her Holy Guardian Angel, but the power was so overwhelming she backed away and slammed the door (Lol, sounds like me). She eventually did merge with him, but that's only the first part (WHAT?). Yes, it's only the beginning of the spiritual trials and sufferings, however there is much joy and extacy. It's some scary shit.
Do you know the difference between joy and bliss? Joy is the emotional bomb that goes off completely filling us mind, body, and soul after heartache and trial. Bliss is a gentle happiness that comes without struggle. They are very different in magnitude. And so, I suppose, is one's life experience with one or the other.
I've always maintained a theory that our capacity for joy is directly proportional to our suffering. When the capacity for suffering is increased, there is a corresponding increase in one's capacity for joy (that will be fulfilled at SOME POINT... not necessarily in this mortal life).
All of this is fun and games on paper... until you attempt it. Then it's like Bambi's mother meeting Atremis :)
Here's the kicker, the killer: Anything less than total surrender FAILS. No merging, no anything.
Some who have failed have ended up in a mental institution because of all the trials and shit they've been dragged through, held at the edge of psychological collapse only to fail.
It is often advised only to attempt the 6 months of ritual and merging if you have NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. Have a marriage? If it's not built on solid ground it will be pissed away. Job that isn't in line with your true will? Gone. Home? All of your bones intact?
In a nutshell, that which doesn't serve your higher will (which is something that is learned after the merging) is TOAST.
Luckily, I've got nothing to lose and I'm quite crazy already! I get a 2nd chance :)
I guess I'm writing a lot about it because, well, I'm SCARED, dammit. There, I said it. I'm still scared as fuck. But I WANT it. I just have to want it more than my very healthy sense of self-preservation can control. I've read all about those who have succeeded as there's quite a few books out there on the phenomena now... but they can't put it into words. Sure, they can describe the journy up until the merging. That part can't be put into w o r d s or l e t t e r s. The concepts just fade into gobbledygook.
So, I get it, she's not an angel or a demon. She's both, she's neither, and she's one or the other at any given time. And all of what I just wrote is true, at all times and not at all.
All I do know is the fear is real, the desire is real, the mystery is real, the urge is real.
The rest I do not fucking know.
But I've set the date to begin, so... here I am perparing. Angel? Demon? She's mine, do or die.
Now if only total surrender wasn't so damn difficult... or necessary.