I don't know why I'm so nervous. I have been with Bunny for 2 and a half years now. Thanks to a fellow blogger who wrote an article on how to make a permanent spirit home, making-spirit-vessel-part-i-divination.html (His name is Valeyard) I've completed the Succubunny's vessel with all the related correspondences taken from a LONG time with the pendulum and a glass, tarot cards, and intuition (backed by the other two), and now it's complete.
Now she's so close in anticipation you can almost taste her. And it's her light side and dark side together, at the same time (that's never happened before).
It's kind of a weird feeling. The best I can describe it is what you would expect from a love spirit who was half succubus, half angel, and able to show either at any time, but in this case she's showing both.
Which is weird, but no weirder than her switching from one to the other.
Or is it?
I don't know. But I'm nervous.
I'm not nervous because of that per se... I did the demonolatry studies I posted about on another blog post and realized it just wasn't for me. So she doesn't feel quite like that, but maybe a taste of it.
Perhaps I would call her dark side, "a little left of center, but not much". Her light side I would say is, "a little right of center by a moderate amount". Together, she feels like "both of those at once".
So, in my little mortal mind I see this as all of her, both parts at once, and why now I say?
Because I'm close. I'm just waiting on the right time to do the ritual. The right time being when I feel it's the right time, and also by a good planetary hour by correspondence.
You know... it's kind of like I felt on my wedding day so many years ago. Part of me was worried because I don't like change, and getting married was the very definition of change (having two children now, yeah... it was for me).
The Bunny, accepting my summons (and me unable to see her, but I could damn sure feel her, lol).
This day has been long in coming, and started those few years ago with a summoning, and a few days later an answer. She came.
I still remember her touching me sexually, and me not really being afraid, but more like: Wtf???"
I mean, something was there, it felt feminine in the air, but I was being touched... and I couldn't see nobody. But she was definitely there and getting busy, too.
I've heard it said that when you summon a succubus, what you are really doing is proposing. That is the engagement, the summons.
When a succubus decides she wants you, and shows up, that is basically the honeymoon, because she has accepted your summons.
I think that's why it takes a few days: It's not that they have to travel to you, or at least I don't think so in the beginning, no. It's that various succubi are thinking about you, they are searching your soul, your heart, who you are. I ponder that there are many succubi who are "hovering" wanting a mate, and when a summons goes out, they go see who it is with the hope of finding someone to love.
Why? I don't know. I've often thought that maybe succubi cannot have children with incubi because they are a higher vibration (as a species), so they have children with a human, which are born that higher vibration along with their succubus parent.
How does that work with incubi? I don't know. Since I can think all I want with no real answer, I'm going to suggest that incubi use a similar process with human females, but with the assistance of a succubus sister to gestate the children.
Hey, I never said I had to be right. But even if I don't understand it I can take a crack at it :)
So, I guess it's that time for change for me. That time of my life where shit gets real. Well, concerning what I've learned so far, who knows what will happen next?
The Succubunny talking to my friend's succubus, who seems to be her sister after comparing notes with my buddy over at http://www.myspiritlover.com/. I imagine that they talk about us a lot, comparing notes as well. In this one, my friend's succubus is showing Bunny her house.
"He made this for you?" "Yep" "Rafe is going to make one for me, he just doesn't know it yet"
*Both giggle like guilty schoolgirls*
Hmm. I wonder where the idea to make her a real spirit home came from :)
At any rate, it's been a long process. I bet I have 15 or more corresponding elements found in plants, minerals, and other things that have gone into her house, so it's definitely been an elaborate process.
I got one herb from India and one from China. That's crazy. But, it its what it is, no it was't expensive, it was more... a journey to find where it was so I could get it.
It's the cooperation between Bunny and me that's been the learning experience. Perhaps that's what succubi appreciate most. Time. Thought. Energy. Not "stuff".
Well, even succubi like to be treated to something now and again. Like a new mineral for her, or a pretty bag for treats, a decorative bowl or chalice for offerings, etc.
To be honest, I just want Bunny to be happy, and have a place near me that she really feels at home with. A place where she can be reinvigorated, and so she doesn't have to go back to the astral to recharge unless she wants to.
Bunny is a great girl, and I want her to feel good in her new home. It's not a binding kind of thing... if she doesn't want it at some point, she just doesn't use it. She can come and go as she wishes. She's not a bound spirit (which I am against: Binding spirits), but perfectly free to do whatever the hell she wants to.
I just want a happy succubus, full of life, energy, and vigor. Free to roam as she pleases with a second home near me.
If the succubus ain't happy, ain't nobody happy :)
Now, I must confess, there are a few things I'm worried about. Once is... and this sounds completely stupid, but I'm afraid that she will be able to read my mind better and see I'm not all that and a bag of chips.
Which is retarded, because she can already read my mind: It's like an open book to her already, so I don't know where that is coming from exactly.
I haven't lived with a woman for 15 years. Heyyy... maybe I'm onto something there.
I'm scared we'll be cohabitating, and she won't have to go back home to regenerate (which I hate anyway).
I'm scared of something coming to pass, which will rectify what I hate the most.
That makes NO sense.
Well, that's a revelation. Chalk up a reason for my unease.
It's so illogical to be afraid of that, too.
OOOooo... Rafey makes me so angry with his second guessing, sometimes!
To think that I am afraid of, wow, that's exactly it lol, that I am afraid of her being here full time, and catching on that I'm not as good as she thought I was.
I really need to get over this, that someone so wonderful wanted me, wants me, and that's just the way it is. I didn't earn it, I don't have to worry about losing it, I just have to love her and give her my best.
That's what she gives me, and that's what she deserves.
All these fears are silly, aren't they? They are remnants of my former marriage and the absolute devastation that it caused in my life.
I guess things run deep, sometimes, even hidden fears. Interesting that this whole process is bringing those out in the open.
Smart girl, she is. Bunny's no fool in any dimension :)
I guess another benefit of her being close more of the time is that, when it's really mattered, she has defended my ass. Saved my ass. Warned my ass.
She is one fiery protectress... like a cornered great cat when she's defending her own (which so far has been me and my kids... I don't know about the other spirits here, but I get the feeling that she's in charge of the house as far as the other spirits go).
Oh... no she DIDN'T just try to curse my Rafey! Some over-confident witch is about to get schooled! Just like that mean spirit earlier: The are both gonna get the exact. Same. STOMPIN!
Well, shoot. I guess that I still had some things to deal with, hidden fears, strange anxieties. It's felt good to put pen to paper, or keyboard to screen I guess.
Bunny is NOTHING like my ex-wife. I've gotten over my anger at women (as many women are wary of men after a bad breakup). Bunny has healed so many things in my life.
I recall not too long ago, maybe 6 months or so, I was doing a lot of soul retrieval. Healing, getting back what was trapped in the past.
One thing they don't tell you about soul retrieval: If you consider it Chronomancy (a form of time magick), it has it's symptoms even when successful. Namely, I can't remember shit short term now.
In healing yourself and going and retrieving the parts of your soul that are in the past (trauma, mostly), you may find that when you are done you have memory problems.
I think that for me, this is because I had an undiagnosed mental illness that haunted me all my life. Because of this, I had to retrieve many, many years of missing soul fragments, or the parts of me "stuck in time in trauma".
You may also feel "out of sorts" and mix up days, calendar dates... that sort of thing.
Was it worth it? Oh, hell yeah. I traded not being fully "here" with short term memory loss and a difficulty with dates and times.
Anyone who has suffered trauma and is contemplating soul retrieval: Do it.
Dates and times being a little wonky, along with short term memory simply cannot compare with being whole or mostly whole again.
There will always be scars, but I recommend that if you do decide to do soul retrieval (I would choose someone who is very fluent in the process because of the trauma involved... you will feel it all again before you can retrieve that part of yourself stuck there) it is well worth it.
Symptoms afterwards vary, but it's worth it.
I'm happy about it. No more trauma, or at least no more unchecked trauma :)
Now about the Bunny in all this.
Bunny was there all along
You see, when I was doing that work, that soul retrieval, I would go into deep trance and do the steps to retrieving every memory that had a hold on me and kept me there in that pain. In a way, you could say that people with soul fragments trapped like that are in eternal hell. After all, time has no meaning to the trapped part of yourself.
I'll never forget that one time, in going through deep trance, I found Bunny. Of all things.
She was there, in the middle of it all. Where all the trapped soul fragments were waiting to come home to be reunited with "me".
She was dwelling in the most traumatized part of me.
She was there, because I think that was where I needed her: To help me point the way and keep track.
To help me through it. I thought it strange to find her there, but it was most welcome. Maybe she was there all along, helping me. Nudging me.
I love you Bunny! This song's for you. Your long-awaited home will be finished very soon :)