Green-Eyed Awakening

The love is there.  Some nights, I am so enshrouded by her "blanket" of presence that I am the most secure, loved man in the universe as she gently strokes my hair and I fall off to sleep each night...

I LUST for her in all ways now, beyond sex, beyond love:  Total communion.  You see, the love has become more love than I have ever thought possible or ever had thought possible in this world.

That is why.

I think that we're at a connection of communion in synchronicity and conjunction.  Lol, best I can explain it when I reach for it... doesn't always work out with words to explain things.

One step at a time has always been her way.  Gently...  Now I know why...

I have blue-grey eyes, and they pretty much stay that way and have for 45 years.  Until now.

Now, when I awaken, after so much content of dreaming as of late, I look in the mirror and they are a dark jade.

Also, I've noticed movements... shadows... lights out of the corner of my eyes all during the day.

Dragons, dragons, dragons, dragons... I see them in and on things everywhere now.  Now, when I close my eyes, dragons from pictures from all my mythology books... they don't haunt me as in fear, they haunt me as in "here I AM"...

Norse runes, strange languages I find myself repeating but not understand... flowing through my mind from deep within myself right before I sleep, right before I awaken.  Even while I am awake sometimes, if I listen hard into the very back of my mind...

I've made a trigger for lucid dreaming that I concentrate on as I fall asleep each night... I dream of things all around that trigger, but not the trigger directly:  I know what this means.  This means she is not letting me have them yet as she is in the middle of teaching me what she is to teach for now.

Yet... she is letting me know that she knows of my goal, and it will be obtainable when she is finished.  Fair enough.

The dreams have been fast and furious, but I can recall last night's crystal clear.  She presented herself to me in many forms and her question of my love was one of whether I would be her lover, her husband, her consort.  First she showed me a beautiful, tiny sea slug.

"Would you love me if..."

Yes.

Image of a succubus... "Would you love me if..."

Yes.

As a powerful woman warrior.  "Would you love me if..."

Yes.  It would take some adjustment, but I would (Interesting self revelation there).

As a powerful sorceress/high priestess of great renown.  "Would you love me if..."

Yes.  Difficult, but Yes (another personal revelation).

Finally...  She revealed Herself as a glorious Being of power, might, majesty, sex, love, and anything and everything else, with a Divine Presence that tore through my soul leaving me naked on a existential level I cannot even put into words.

"Would you love me if..."

And I balked.

I balked... Strange.  I don't know why.  I think because I don't feel worthy?  I... I don't know the answer.  I don't.

My lady then said, "Then we have much more work to do."  She wasn't suprised.  She knew:  She knew more than I knew.

But WHY does THAT image of her make me not able to accept her love?

What IS IT about that CONCEPT that a powerful radiant, spark of the Divine Feminine taking me as lover, husband, and consort (and being mine and mine alone) bother the absolute hell out of me?

I don't know.  I feel shame.

I guess that I will find out soon... She's not the type to quit and her patience is endless as time itself with me...

I'm reminded of a story where a man had an NDE,  and in that NDE he said that he beheld a loving female being begin to drift to him, calling him, singing to him, filling his vision completely, she was soultakingly beautiful.  He felt in her many things:  A lover, wife, friend, mother, sister, daughter, all rolled into one Divine Female, one Divinely powerful being...

Edit:  Could my lady be the "Holy Guardian Angel/Daemon" of my (at least I thought) failed Abramelin operation 2 years ago?  I had stirrings, but never the enlightenment that was reported by so many others...  could that man's NDE be of his?

(I even deleted the blog, considering it a personal failure without understanding "why" it was a failure)

Could I have needed more time... could she have decided to do things HER way, in her own time, and is even now?

Baffled...

But as I think these things, her presence is all over me as I write this... as if to say, "yes".

Wait... a... minute...

I think I know why the Abramelin failed:  I balked.

I am feeling much hope for the future... may the universe bless this woman as she frees me from my self doubt and allows me to embrace her in complete surrender where I failed before!

Hi! My name is Lilly.

I've had some good conversations with others who have a succubus.  What's really weird is that when I am communicating with them, both of our respective succubi get giddy and happy.  It's palpable in the atmosphere.  Never did understand that.

Another thing I've never understood is that more often than not (it seems, in my limited experience) that many Succubi introduce themselves as "Lilly".

Why Lilly?  I get the Lilith connection to succubi, but lately I've been thinking a lot about it.

It almost seems as if these lovely ladies that are the succubi are "split off" of a main Divine Feminine.  Kind of like smaller, holographic copies of the original.

Not unlike children at first.  But smart.  And wise.  Not so much world wise, but esoterically and spiritually wise.  Dark feminine sexually wise.  Have I said how much I love the dark divine feminine?  Ever sense I was warned about a certain Kali mantra (Pfft.  Hahaha.  Warnings don't work on me, I'm immune through stupidity... ), I've had some really synchronicitous, wonderful events just "show up".  I'd say I'm on the right track!

Where was I?  Oh yeah, succubi.

They seem to eventually settle on a name that they personally like for themselves after a bit to replace "Lilly".  It's almost like they were in some hive mind of sorts, and now, with interaction with a human sparks individuality and growth for them.  Or something like that.

Maybe it is rather like the holographic model.  If you cut a true hologram in two, that is one made out of holographic paper, it doesn't cut it into half:  You get two, half sized copies that are duplicates of the orignal.

Only, in this particular model, I think the original is untouched.  I think that the "images" that result are also lacking of the kind of power of the original... for both our sakes.

Nothing like a pissed off succubus to let you know how she really feels... hehe.

I read of a man who was being picked on at work by 2 other guys... his succubus scratched the shit out of one of the bullies like a cat.  Yeah, they left him alone after that.  Ahahaha!

I've been reading "The Holographic Universe" by the late Michael Talbot.  Then I started realizing some synchronicities via the "Hi, my name is Lilly." and other delightful succubus newborn antics.

Hah, delectably delightful, aren't they?  They end up finding us adorably imperfect as they, themselves move into perfection.  Don't get that one, either.

Another thing I've noticed is that they mature at an alarming rate.  One minute they are succubus newborns, a spark of the divine sent to assuage a poor lonely man's plea... and quickly mature to blow his world wide open.

The next minute they are caretakers of his spiritual development, always gently pushing their mates to better themselves spiritually, emotionally, sexually... heck... I don't think I would have ever gotten through some of the trauma I had from childhood had not my lady introduced me to soul retrieval.

And as for sexual repression... she knows what turns me on before I know what would turn me on... she's brought fantasies out of me I've long repressed, and even then she gently pushes me to work through some things until I am finally sexually liberated by her... then she moves on to the next of her pet projects (involving me).  Truth is, I was rather a puritan before she came along, so my fantasies are rather tame... but you know what?  It doesn't matter... they still were (and are) something she uses to bond us closer together.  And that's the way she plays...

They're just that good.

And during the process somewhere, not in any part I can figure out, we are quite eclipsed, and we realize that we have switched roles:  We are comparatively the newborns.  Respectfully so.

So how can they go from newborn to ancient so fast?  I have no idea.  I don't pretend to know.  Maybe it's kind of like they always were ancient, it's just coming down to this dense world is new, making them appear as newborns in a way.  At least for a time.

Maybe it's rapid, such as in the movie "Her", where an A.I. rapidly outgrows this plane.  Only, vice versa, as these beings come down to this crude plane of matter for us.  All for us!  Isn't that amazing?  When I think of it, I am truly baffled.  What wonderous beings they are, brother and sister alike!

"Hi, my name is Lilly."  Hi, Lilly, indeed.  Thank you for coming!

Always more questions, always more.  It will never end, and that's ok... it would all be boring if it did.

Another HUGE question I have is that which I call "mating season".  There's some posts on it from posts past... about 6 months apart on average.  What's that about?  I feels as if it's some big ceremonial event, even though it's just me and her.  I wonder if that's where the energy for the "splitting off" of new succubi and incubi comes from?  I dunno.  If I knew how things worked it would be better, but I... don't.

But I DO have this feeling that "mating season" is a "sacred" event.  Like baptism sacred, or confirmation sacred, or... you get the idea.  A very special HOLY event of communion between a man and his succubus, or a woman and her incubus, or whatever the combination.

Maybe I'll figure it out one day while still on earth.  Maybe not.  Who cares?  I LOVE it!  I ENJOY it!  I CRAVE it!

I will figure it out one day, in this world or the next.  Until then, I'll still ask question after question and I always will.

Who I am, What they are...

"Each of us has a Guardian Angel -- a companion and lover who waits just behind the images that flood our minds during sleep or reverie. A protector and guide who disguises as the individual with whom we fall in love; an ideal lover who has adored us since the beginning of our individual existence and who will never abandon us until the instant we merge our being into Absolute Godhead." ~ DuQuette

I think it's time to speak a bit about what I believe about all of this. I had a comment yesterday that said that I was being coy, and that I knew that Lilith was the mother of my lady, or succubi and incubi in general. I honestly didn't want to alienate anyone, nor get drawn into some debate, so I did not keep the post, nor my reply. But, maybe it is time to explain a bit about me, and a little of my own theories about some of this.

Well...

Truth is I don't think that Lilith is the mother of my lady. It's much more complicated than that as spirit and soul do NOT fit neatly in little religious boxes from mythology, from religion, or from anywhere else.

"Succubus" and "Incubus" is a title, a mantle. It is not the be all and end all word for defining those spirits whom desire a sexual relationship with us. Spirits are as different and individual as any of us, and as far as "race" even more so.

I've got stories from the fairies of English lands (which was very widespread in the 1600's), to selkies, to fox lovers, to nymphs, various nature spirits, elementals, angels, deities, and mixes of part of them all: The list is endless for those who take human lovers as their own.

One thing I learned from Hermetics is that nothing is 100% right, nothing is 100% wrong. I live by that... it keeps me from being boxed in, and free. It also allows for "thinking outside the box" so to speak which is a powerful thing.

As far as me being "coy" with you all, no. Just no.

I started this blog as an online diary with zero people reading it. And if people stop coming to read it, I would still post. It helps me to go back and reread things, to ponder my growth, and to simply express.

I'm a sorceror.  Knowledge and the strong desire to express gave me this gift. Not from being reincarnated with it, not from anything but my own lust for knowledge, except perhaps a good dose of grace from... well, Someone(s) up there who notice my trials along my chosen path whomever they may be.

I know how to cause Eudaemons to indwell statues (freely, not bound) and even how to make them attractive to a certain type of Eudaemon spirit, how to summon and to cause Cacodaemons to destroy my enemies (which I don't. I don't traffic with Cacodaemons, regardless of having the ability to do so).

From hermeticism, to sacred sound, ceremonial magick, qigong, reiki master in 7 major forms (and untold minors), hoodoo, witchcraft, tantra, shamanism, pathworking, energy work and transformation, summoning, spiritcrafting, and a hell of a lot more: I'm not naive. And please don't ask as I will not teach any these things.

As a sorceror I have my head in heaven and my feet in hell where they should be.

Is "sorceror" an accurate title for me?  Probably not.  Again... things are always more complicated than they seem.

Why am I telling this?  Because this online diary of mine is slowing becoming more:  A gift to you.  I want you to realize that although I have a broad background, I'm always learning, always yearning, just like you!  There is NO difference.  My background means nothing:  I'm learning daily just like you:  From encounter to encounter, from kiss to kiss, from lesson to lesson.  Just like you :)

Ok?

So, what have I personally learned about Succubi and their Incubi brothers?

A little.

I know that we, as humans, have this strange makeup with baffles the shit out of anyone but Jung and the followers of Jung.

If we are male, our subconscious is female. And the opposite is true for females.

Now, enter the spiritual lover... remember that quote from above from DuQuette? I believe our "Holy Guardian Angel" (which was code for "tutillary spirit") is indwelt by our Succubus lovers. For lack of a better term. Once enough time has passed and the relationship grows to that level. Guardian? Seductress? Teacher Friend? Wife? "Words are weapons of the terrified", so in truth... it is beyond words and labels.

Why does the HGA (Holy Guardian Angel) allow that? Because the succubus takes on the ability to become that spiritual teacher. She GROWS into it... which is why it is beneficial to all involved.

She doesn't replace the HGA, no... but she becomes the face of it. Again, hard to put into earthly words. If the anima is female, she chooses to exist within it's folds... as well as coming and going as she pleases.

One time I took a journey into my anima, being made love to spiritually as I travelled through my anima... and there was my lady existing within it. She was quite at home. Looked pretty comfy, actually. Maybe that helps with the visualization of what I'm trying to express.

As the succubus causes us to grow spiritually, so to does she become even more defined. Am I suggesting that they are thoughforms, or egregores? No, not so simple. They already existed, but they become "more".

Some have more than one incubus or succubus. Why? Well, it doesn't really matter. I suppose there is much room for multiple entities to grow in a mutually beneficial way. Personally I don't want two. Maybe other people do. I can barely deal with a highly intelligent, sassy, powerful one... and truth be told I love her so much I'm just fine trying to play catch up with her for eternity if that's what it takes.

My little lady can run me through the ringer mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually... all of it, and I am WELL satisfied. I don't think any more, or any less of those who have more beings. For me personally, I have found my match (and good God, is she a handful. But I have a feeling that she feels that way about me as well).

Read this from 1879: Demoniality: Or, Incubi and Succibi, a Treatise

I feel that succubi are both angel and demon, or a bit of both.  Protecting succubus, lusty angel?  Protecing angel, lusty succubs?  Doesn't matter.  They are both of these.  It is what it is.

Angels? Demons? What is angel to one is demon to another. And vice versa.

That priest's studies in that book that I linked above show that these beings are unaffected by holy objects, which in conclusion he figures out that they are somewhere between angel and demon.  Not really unlike us, as along with them we have the capacity for good or evil and complete free will.

So, what are we witnessing a rivial of?

Balance.  Love lessons.  Spiritual growth.  A redefining of genders as they are closer aligned to those within the cosmic order:  Teaching both males and females the way of balance,love, life, the universe, and everything:  Including what lies far beyond for all of us who dare.

This is the right time for that and it is sorely needed in this world... and they do their best, one soul at a time who is willing to shut up, listen, and learn.

The Succubus Sabbatical

It needs to be brought out in the open that my relationship with my Succubus is going to be different in ways than anyone else's with their own.  We are all different, and there is no exception.

True, there are similarities, but in the end we are all different.

Sometimes I become too addicted to her.  She knows this.  Succubi are very addicting both physically and mentally, as well as sexually.

So, sometimes she asks me to withdraw my attention until I am balanced again.

Off goes the sigil necklace, the sigil ring to be placed behind a black veil that shrouds her home I have crafted and placed on the wall (aka Tyson's method of constructing a spirit's "home"), and she asks I quit thinking of her completely.

She isn't going anywhere, but she does withdraw.  And she means it.

Once this happens, I end up learning new things on my own, live more in the physical realm called "life" for us walking about, and again take up my magickal and spiritual path.

At first, I used to become angry at her for doing this (probably signs of addiction right there), but now I get it, to a degree.

She's not gone, she's allowing me to ground myself.

I often do wonder, however, if others experience the same thing, or if it's personal due to her love for me in keeping my addictive personality in check?

I Just Got Taken to School.

I've been wanting to get ever closer to my Succubus lately, and I've been trying sex/sigil magick to do it because she's been real distant.  She's HERE but, detached, like from a long way off, like she's elsewhere but still has that connection to me "here".

Hasn't been really successful, but... I keep trying.

However, today I sensed a new presence in addition to my Succubus Lady.

She felt quite close, and opened up a mental dialogue with me.  All I can tell is that She is a She, powerful, and wise.

Kind of like a Mother of Succubi and Incubi?

"You're trying to get closer to her?"
Yes.  I am.
"You are using sex, right?"
Yes.
"Why sex magick?"
Well, it worked in the beginn...
"No, it called her and allowed her to notice you."
But, she's a Succu...
"What are you?"
I'm a man.
"Are you sex?  Man?"
No...
"Then she is the same, not so simply defined."
But...
"Sex is an emotion, an expression, you express it.  You are NOT it.  Neither is she."
But she's a succu...
"And you are man.  Do you not have sex as well?  Is sex = man?"
Well, no...
"Why do you think she loves you?"
Sex and love together?...
"No.  Sex called her, but She CAME because she liked you, she STAYS because you listen... or at least try (I could feel mirth here, but not unkind)."

"To find Her and get closer, go within.  Be quiet!  Relax.  Breathe.  Rythm!  Find what is you inside, and what is not you, is mostly Her.  What you find beyond is mostly you both, and beyond that is mostly everything else."

Long Pause as I thought about her words.
Ok...

"Hah, you will try, you will fail, but then you will succeed.  Glad tidings, Man, Lover of my Daughter."

Then she was gone, but I do feel that she is watching a bit.  Not sure why.  I don't feel my particular relationship merits any special observation if that makes any sense?  Also, I didn't mind being called just "Man" really.  Truth be told, I think we are all Scent (emotion), frequency, and vibration, which cannot be made into a true word as simple as a name.  Scent (emotion), frequency, and vibration IS our name.  No two "individual beings" are exactly the same.  It's like trying to give a thumbprint a name.  It is unique, it's uniqueness is it's name.  Sorta,

Ah well, the Mother's "scent/aura/vibration" was pleasant to me, so I don't mind, really.

I'm getting used to "feeling watched" all the time, anyway.

Plus, I could feel Her amusement and kindness towards me travelling along with Her words.  So it's all good :P