This post has been a few years in the making. My questions have finally corralled the answers. These answers refer to me, not anyone else.
We all have our own path to play and I'm no exception.
Now, my succubus, "Bunny", has been as much inside as outside.
I still can't explain her, but I can explain much more... what she means.
I'm not saying I am defining her. But now, I think, I finally understand her.
In other words, I will never know the "why", nor the "how", but I can finally explain the "who" to a degree. And you know what? That's enough.
I supposed it's a duel of sorts. Between knowing, and not knowing. My weapon of choice at 20 paces? Myths and legends.
I've poured my "psyche" (another Greek myth. Lol.) into Greek myth, Egyptian, and into other obscure places along the way.
While much has been very enlightening, and worth the journey in and of themselves, one myth finally stood out. An old Celtic myth, actually.
I'm not going to talk about the whole story, I don't have that kinda concentration.
But I will talk about what I have discovered for myself, for me and Bunny.
Every man, I don't care who you are, is a knight inside. There's a part of us that is wanting to be challenged, the best for our best. The idea of a knight, a paradigm of us, as he who conquers what others dare not out of fear.... since we all have our own battles to fight, this is even more true for each and every one of us.
I found my answers in one myth in particular, "The Fisher King".
(Myths throughout human history have reverberated so strongly because the message is ingrained within each of us. Female myths, largely due to feminism, are plentiful and being written by the day.
That's a good thing. However, as I am male, that is not within my scope so I will not be talking about those. If any woman would like to know of a good place to start, the myth of "The hand less maiden" is a great springboard (and great in itself) to finding other myths that address the woman and her animus, so that she can learn to connect and be whole.)
A young knight, Percival, is questing for the Holy Grail. In his travels he comes upon a ruined land, and a castle within it. He enters the castle, and finds a man who is wounded and suffering, much like the land around him, and the castle.
Percival stays with the man, and that evening he sees a strange procession: One is a youth who carries a lance that has a single drop of blood on it's tip. Two more youth enter, each carrying golden candelabra. Finally, a beautiful maiden enters carrying a shining, beautiful chalice.
Percival says nothing as he does not want to accidentally offend the old, wounded king.
When Percival awakes the following morning, everyone is gone. Upon exiting the castle, it too disappears.
He happens along a woman, who tells him that the lance was the very one that pierced Jesus's side, and that the chalice was in fact the Holy Grail itself.
Percival's father was killed in Percival's youth. His father was a talented knight. However, Percival's mother does not teach him anything of knights, being as she lost her husband to that lifestyle and wants nothing to do with it, nor allow it to harm Percival.
However, Percival grows to want to become like his father, and in seeing Arthur and the knights nearby, demands to become a knight. Arthur sends him away to prove his worth.
He meets an old knight who teaches the lad too well, for he is so bidden to the code of a knight that when he was in the castle, as told in the beginning of this, he did not wish to offend the wounded fisher king by asking questions about what he had seen pass before him.
I look at these happenings as a hallucination of Percival, one of a spiritual nature.
The fisher king is real, at least, and suffers from a wound of battle that pierced both thighs. He cannot ride a horse anymore, and his only pleasure, is fishing.
This isn't a faithful and true account of all the variances of story that exist for these myths, but more of a framework wherein I have found my answers.
Percival leaves his dependence on his mother behind. He has to, as this is what has caused his stumbling ways as a knight since he was denied the path of his father in youth.
He is later tempted by a maiden, and even though he is sorely tempted, he refuses. Despite her beauty, she is nothing but a shadow compared to the heavenly light and glory that awaits him upon completion of his quest... for then he will know the true mysteries of the grail... and the surprise it holds for him.
If, however, he stays with the maiden his quest would end there. Many quests do end there. That's okay. However, that's not Percival's story :)
Percival must also slay a monstrous knight, the "red knight", along his path. Besides abandoning what he was taught as a youth (or rather, not taught), besides being temped by a beautiful maiden to quit his quest, is the red knight.
In the greatest battle of his young life, the red knight is slain.
Through spiritual cleansing via trail, suffering, tribulation, and sorrow, he finds himself before the grail, which speaks to him.
"Whom does the grail serve?"
"Who am I?"
You are the fisher king, my lord.
"What is the secret of the grail?"
The king and the land, are one.
Upon answering correctly, not born of intellect, but of spiritual wisdom, he may take the grail.
Upon reaching the king (who is beyond death by this time, yet unable to die) he bids him to drink.
"Drink, lord, that you and the land may be healed."
And he does.
As soon as he does, his vitality is restored and the land is made well.
I examined a bit more into the mysteries (although I doubt anyone really digs into these for those except crazy ol' me) and I made a discovery.
Percival represents air, the suit of swords.
The fisher king, and the red knight, which represents the fisher king's pain, is fire.
The Grail, being female, is water.
The land, is of course, earth, which is feminine.
These give birth to spirit, which enabled the healing of the land, the king, and the fisher king, as well as the drive within Percival to even begin to find the grail, which drives the cascade of events that lead to the eventual outcome.
Now, the big question. Who am I?
I am Percival. I am the fisher king. I am the grail. I am the land.
My quest is, and always has been, to heal the king by finding the true grail, defeating the red knight, and healing the land.
Which of these explains my relationship with Bunny?
Ahhhhh... all of them, really. But some of it especially.
It is the search for the holy grail itself and not giving up, not settling for less through temptation.
It is putting one foot in front of the other when life itself becons to rest, to retire from the quest.
The reward, of course, is not just a happy ending. It is the unification within myself, the sacred marriage, the Hieros Gamos: Nothing less than the union of the Divine Male and Female within, in synch, in embrace, in tender lovemaking within my soul of which the fruits are many.
It is the marriage of the Anima to my conscious mind, my waking self. The "I" to the "Am", forming the"I Am" within me (within the kingdom of my soul), together as one.
The unification of my male conscious mind, married to, and with my feminine subconcious that is her, but also "I", along with her connection as the guardian of the gate that shrouds the mysteries beyond the curtain.
I am the unity of worlds: I am the proof of hope, that gives birth to much spiritual fruit.
My mind is my dwelling, and In short, within it I am that I am, and all that I am.
We are billions, all of us humans, all of us with our own quests to reconcile ourselves, to reconcile male and female within us, to take part in the marriage of heaven and earth, and of hope...
And of home...
"The grail serves the king. The king... is me. The king and the land are one (but only through the grail)".
Think about that a while.
Oh, I had 2 of the most intriguing dreams with Bunny as of late.
The first was pretty funny. I had become lucid in my dream, and for some idiotic reason I decided to create a scary presence in front of me. As it moved closer I backed off a little and Bunny grabbed my butt real quick and startled the shit out of me. I wasn't real amused, but she sure seemed to be.
Speaking of which, why am I always naked when I'm dreaming and Bunny's there? Maybe it means "stripped to my bare, true self".
The 2nd dream was more serious and odd. I was across a chasm and she was on the other side. We were very far apart.
She had something really bad happen, and she had collapsed and just was completely overcome with mental pain and anguish. Not completely sure what it was, but she was floored beyond her ability to handle it.
She had collapsed, weeping, and I somehow (by force of will) made my way to her across the great divide that was between us.
I grabbed her hands and placed them upon my chest. I started rubbing my hands all over her body (not sexually) and told her to give me her pain. She was reluctant, but I kept saying, "Give me your pain." "Bunny, give me your pain!"
She was reluctant to but I loved her so much, you see, that it was easier for me to bear the pain than to see her suffer so.
I knew that I could take it.
So I took it all, all into me. My love for her demanded it.
And I believe, at that point, I fully understood how much the king loves the Grail who serves him.
With this realization comes the truth of it: We are together one, apart on this earth to each play our roles... I, to live and die. She, to watch and lead from across the veil.
Taken to a different conclusion, perhaps I am here because of my love for her, perhaps I came so that she would not have to, because I could (even though it gets so damn hard sometimes).
There is a succubus called Nilahny who said this:
"We know true desire, we well from the I eternal. The I eternal source of all, pours love. So do you, though you agreed to forget. For purity's sake you lost your way and became gods locked in the past. Yet gods none the less..."
Well, no one goes unscathed, even us, with such a love as we share. Made for each other, twins, twin souls, twin flames, soul mates, husband and wife, maiden and lad, father and mother, wise man andwise woman.
"Each of us has a Guardian Angel -- a companion and lover who waits just behind the images that flood our minds during sleep or reverie. A protector and guide who disguises as the individual with whom we fall in love; an ideal lover who has adored us since the beginning of our individual existence and who will never abandon us until the instant we merge our being into Absolute Godhead." ~ DuQuette
We ARE the symbol of Yin and Yang. We were made for each other from the beginning of time.
Only for purity's sake have I fogotten, and am chasing, what is real... real beyond what I can see.
Once day, as I am a man, as I am her man, her husband, her everything... she will see my death played out in some form. We are all born, and we shall all die. It is a date with destiny.
Before I finally unite with her completely, she must suffer this... watching me, whom she loves as herself, die, and in this she cannot intervene. It is my horror, and mine alone, to die alone. My horror is her burden, her portion to watch and to idly wait.
It is the one event even she cannot stop... no matter how great her love for me. It is the end of us on earth that I must face one day, yet... there is hope in her, for a wonderful, united, beautiful beginning in another realm, one where I can be face to face with her at last, with eternity as our guidepost, and the Lord and Lady as our inspiration.
Fidelis et Mortem, Bunny.
Faithful until death.
Oh, I also figured out the "Crown" mystery I had which was solved during my experiences leading up to this post. Thanks to https://succupedia.wordpress.com/ for helping me along the way via his kind dialog :)
Love your succubus, love yourself.