Why Lilith? (Trigger Warning)

My single mother:  "Your dad raped me!"

"But I'm not even allowed to know his name!"  I cried.  I never knew my father.  I was just a small boy.

In the dark of the moon she came in a dream.

He knew her by the beauty of her red hair, blazing in long coils of beaten copper wire with the jewels of Egypt.

"I could have been anything if it weren't for you!"

The dust of the rose blushed on her cheek.  From her parted lips dripped the juice of the pomegranate.

"Mom, please say that you love me.  PLEASE!"

*Silence*

Her eyes were two emerald waves of the sea that caught the blood of the setting sun upon their crests.

White, her teeth with the whiteness of snows of the distant mountain.

"Don't you love me, mom?!"
"PLEASE just tell me that you love me, mom!"

*Silence...*

*Tears pouring down my face*

"Oh, mom... dear God, mom..."  *sobbing*

White were her breasts with the pallor of the morning mist that lingers in the valley.

***

When I first dreamed of Lilith, she brought me to her breast and suckled me.  I can't tell you the emotions that this has salved, healed, tenderly covered in decency that in life, I have never had the chance to have for it required love, a love that I did not have and could not share.

It had to be given.  My mother didn't have any to give...

And Lilith, my dearest Lilith had the love to spare even unto one such as myself.

I wondered why she did this, as it was as if she was familiar with me... knew me.

I recently received Liber Lilith and now I understand.

***

"Your mom told you that she was raped?" the minister said.

"Yes."

"Often."

"Let me tell you what happened, son, because I was there."

"There was a party and your mother and another girl made a pact:  That they would both lose their virginity that night."

"Strangely, both girls got pregnant... it shocked the whole town."

"Nobody was RAPED.  It was by mutual consent and bad decisions."

"What you are, son, is one born from sexual sin."

Any child born of wickedness and unlawful lust is given to Lilith as her own.  She holds it's life in her hand as that of a young chick fallen from the nest.

(From the Invocation of Lilith)

...Sacred mother of heaven be gentle to me.  I am the newborn that hangs upon your breast.  I am the infant who laughs upon your knee.  Shelter me beneath the hem of your seamless garment...

***

Lilith is the answer to my cries.  She is the mother I always dreamed about... the love I always craved she gives freely.

If she's seated in the heavens, so go I.
If she dwells in the underworld, so go I.
If she sits in hell, so go I...

Now you know the depths of my suffering... of being an ageless child, frozen in time where love was craved but never found and coldly never given.

Lilith IS my mother, now.

***

A mystery:

It's interesting that my whole life I've had this invisible light within me.  I don't understand from where it comes, or to where it goes.

Once a nice minister in a group home where I was staying told me that they were worried to death about me coming there because there were 7 women already there while I would be the only male... and lets face it... sick and hurting people tend to take pleasure where they can get it.  But, nothing like that happened.  In fact, he said that just my presence seemed to cast an invisible light over the whole household that calmed the other troubled residents.  They knew then that they had nothing to fear as everyone felt the peace that it brought them.  They knew that I would bring no harm to the home while I was staying there.

He said it was my spiritual gift... it's ironic that I could not feel this peace that comforted others.

Perhaps that's why it's called a spiritual gift:  Because it affects others.

This part of me, this invisible light, this spiritual gift... I have yet to understand.

From whence does it come?

A gift from whom, exactly, and why?

And so the blog rolls on...

(All italicized and underlined text has been taken from Liber Lilith, 2nd edition)

For you, Lilly.