Playtime in Hell

 

Trigger warning:  Death in this post is metaphoric.  Murder is metaphoric.

If you are triggered by such things, leave now.

***

I thought my trials were over, but they were only the beginning.

This part began when I placed a ring I just bought on my wedding ring finger.

A ring that I made a vow on and is a symbol of my spiritual path.

***

Before, I was stipped of my trauma, stripped of the pain of living in my past.  

That which destroyed my present and my future.

And, as I have said, I am now free.

But that was just the price of initiation.

Now, they've come to finish it.

"I" have to die.

Even Bunny is changing.  

I can feel her on the periphery, and she is showing forms, faces that I have never seen before.

It's as if when I grow, so does she.

It's like she's becoming a different person.

A different entity.

Or perhaps more of her is revealed to me.

That is it.

  

Now I am learning who she really is.

I am beginning to see who she is behind the mask.

And not be fascinated, nor fixated on the masks that I see.

This must be why Bunny had to leave.

Why she left long ago.

She said it was to grow.

But now I think I finally understand.

This is what Bunny went through when we were apart. 

She suffered in silence.

And in the end, she also had to pass away.

She also had to die.

Lilith destroyed my trauma and freed me from my past.

It was brutal and caused immense suffering.

I was led to Hecate for what came next.

They are here to finish it together.

I buckled and have taken off the ring.

I now stand at a crossroads.

Behind me is who I was.

Whom I know well.

Before me is who I will be.

And I cannot see who that is.

My soul lies somewhere in between, 

impossibly stretched between two realities.

And here, in between, is where the two Goddessses dwell.

One carries something to break bone.

The other, something to rend flesh, and rip fat from meat.

They are not gentle.

They are horror.

I know that I can stop.

That I can go back.

No, it's too late.

That moment has passed.

No, I cannot return to who I was.

There is nothing solid to return to.

Only wisps, and facades.

The old me is dying.

I am filled with feelings of doom.

That something is terribly, terribly wrong.

I am far below tears.

I feel disconsolate.

I want to vomit.

I want to pass out and fade away.

I want to lie down and forget I ever existed.

My soul is overshadowed.

My heart is racing.

    I am wide awake.

I am in hell.

I am afraid to die.

They are not killing me.

They are handing me the knife.

All things must pass away.

And I'm the one who has to strike the fatal blow.

It is murder.

The ring is the sacrificial blade.

I wasn't ready for it yet. 

But here I stand.

When I consciously decide to slide this ring back on, 

it's over.

He will have breathed his last.

***

Blessings, 

Rafe.