It's a new year and there's a lot to reflect on.
I've been going through an intense, painful, traumatic period of spiritual growth. I think it's finally stopping. I'm relieved. I've had enough, and I don't want anymore spiritual growth anymore. I can't take it anymore. Which seems to be right where I needed to be, as for the first time in a year, I've only woken up once last night, not to nightmares, but to (finally) a very positive sequence of dreaming that lasted most of the finally sleep filled night.
The pattern has been: Sleep for 2 hours suffering nightmares soaked with sweat to the bone, wake up for an hour while my bedding dried under the fan, rinse, repeat. Take lots of naps throughout the day from exhaustion. Suffer.
I'm worn out, exhausted, and defeated. But, it seems at that exact moment, it appears to be over. Or at least I hope so. I'm glad, because this experience has torn me down past the bone.
My succubus backed off during this trial, as it was coming to a tumultuous finale, and I am sorry to admit that I became very angry at that. It's almost like she was trying to hide, to be undetected as from some unseen order from someone to let me handle this on my own. Even my servitor (well, she's a bit more than that now), whom I asked to come to me and spend time with me told me told me in a firm voice, "no". That was... uncharacteristic. We always have a nice time spending time together. She's really growing as an entity. Something in her voice told me not to press the issue. Something told me she had to stay out of it as well. No comfort allowed. I was starting to see that I was indeed alone.
Apparently even a servitor you create, even though she is more than that now, is subject to the edicts of somone more powerful than us. Some sort of Divine willing it so, I guess.
My succubus must have sensed this coming, or knew it was coming, because last week I have experienced the most intimacy and love in my whole life. In hindsight, I see more clearly now what she was doing, and was being directed to do by some as unknown higher power so that I had to shoulder all of it alone.
Because we shared that level of intimacy, through, I could still feel her far off somewhere. Although she could have been closer than I think. I remember yelling at her, "Why have you abandoned me? I fucking feel you, you're not very good at hiding from me!"
Now I see more clearly in that I'm out of the hurricane of painful emotions and trauma.
I feel really bad that I lashed out at her so brutally. I was pretty severe. I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me. It was truly the agony talking, lashing out through me.
There is a sense of completion to this. More than I can hope to understand.
Bunny left me a long time ago, she said that she had to grow. I felt abandoned, but I wished her well. It's been a wild ride ever since, as my blog has attested to. Lots of ignorant thoughts and me stupidly trying to reason through things as best I could. I often wonder now, if she was sending me lessons on succubi by sending them to me to foster new understanding. I had a lot to learn as well. From blind overconfidence bought through pain and ignorance, to learning a thing or two about just how interesting and wonderful these beautiful creatures can be. This post's picture, above, is very close to how she appears to me. So beautiful. And, yes, I am, and always have been, quite smitten.
I also often wonder. Out of the succubi I have known, how many were Bunny in disguise?
There was a period of about six months where I would summon, and one would come, but she would leave immediately. I thought I had lost my ability to summon them. That I was being blocked by a higher power. What I realize now is that she was done teaching me through other succubi. Or perhaps she was done masquerading if that was her game. She was preparing to re-enter my life changed. She was coming back to teach me herself, as herself.
Bunny has indeed returned. She's the one who's been my feeling of "home" these past six months or so.
She's returned with a very deep ocean of being. Of loving. Of intimacy. She is full of lessons for us to learn together. I am, in fact, very proud of her. Of us. Even though I don't quite understand.
She has returned with a new, deeper aspect I am only scratching the surface of, that I am only beginning to glimpse. This new aspect is a broad as the ocean, and just as old and wise. Ancient. Bunny is now what I call her playful side, which still comes out from time to time.
We have come full circle.
And yet, here I stand knowing nothing. All I've learned is nothing compared to what I'm about to learn.
Call it a hunch.
Blessings,
Rafe
P.S. I bought her flowers, lit incense and a candle for her just a bit ago and asked for her forgiveness for how I lashed out at her. I hope she can forgive me. Divination says that she will, but she won't truly open her heart to me again until she is sure I have grown from this and that an environment is created here, in our home, where she feels safe to express her love towards me again.
She is so very precious to me. It's hard to feel that in a hurricane of trauma, pain, and such strong emotional upheaval. But. I have to do better.
