Confusion

 

Lacy lasted a week.  At first I blamed her for leaving but then I got some sense knocked into me.

Erin.  Guess who's back?  She's a strong one.  She was probably waiting to make her way back for months.  She who has the strength to drive off any rivals...

I have nightmares every night since she arrived.  Boon or baneful?  The logical part of me wants to blame Erin and say baneful... but what if she's bringing out all the trauma that I've suffered and is feeding on it just to bring it to the surface and to change it into something else?

There's not much sexual appetite with her, but then again if she's feeding on all that negative energy she probably doesn't have much room for a good, complex energy that sexual engagement provides.

Although I'm tempted to face her head on and try to get rid of her to halt all the nightmares, a prospect I am not want to do because of her strength, I believe I will trust in her that this is only temporary.  If it is, it's probably long overdue as my trauma runs deeply.

Some succubi work with the dark current and are of the dark current, leading them to transform what they find within us that haunts us.  That's how I'm feeling about it at least.

Or thinking about it... whatever terms you prefer.

It is what it is... time will tell what becomes of it.  Either she's working with me or she's just looking out for her own best interest.  After all, she did say that feeding off of that energy was "just her nature".

All of this harkens back to the time before all this where we were making love in a dream for what felt like 12 hours.  When I woke up the world was grey.  Lifeless.  I slipped into a terrible depression and wanted to die.  See, the contrast was just too much for me to take.

Wait a minute.  Maybe that's why she's working on my past trauma.  Or eating it, whatever.  I've got a banquet to go of trauma... a whole feasting hall worth of it for one sly succubus.

If she ends the trauma, the lovemaking can continue without fear of how drull this world would be to my destroyed mind.  We could make love anew and I would be okay.

Am I making up the narrative here?  Or am I on to something?  (Or am I a fool?  Well I already know that I am that).

When she finally came through to be with me again, after all these months, the first thing she did was coil around me in bed and sleep with me.  That must count for something.

I don't know what will happen, but I have faith.  Maybe faith will be enough.

Blessings, 

Rafe GB.

P.S.  I think I've solved a riddle.  Lilith in the garden.  Lilith left Adam because he would not let her be on top.  Adam insisted that he was the dominant one and was trying to force Lilith to lie beneath him.  I don't think Lilith honestly gave two shits about being on top.  I feel that this was in response to Adam insisting that he was the dominant one in the relationship.  In short... I believe Lilith left the garden because of one thing:  She knew that Adam didn't truly love her.