Babalon

 

In only 24 hours, Time and understanding have accelerated at a rate that my mind, my body cannot contain anymore and stay rational.

I am glad that this is only temporary.  I don't know for how long.  I hope it ends sooner, rather than later.  It is from shock.  Psychic overload.

It is from spiritual emergency.  It is a kundalini crisis.

It is from a forced influx of "consciousness".

It is 10,000 volts occupying a 12 volt system.

My mind is broken.

My body is exhausted.

But my soul... My soul!

***

Babalon.

The great mother.

The scarlet woman.

The mother of abominations.

The living, eternal paradox of the sacred, and the profane.

She who gives herself to all who find her, yet she is immaculate.  A virgin.

The gatekeeper at the end of the abyss.

She who collects the blood of the saints in her cup.

She who is shadowed with the circle of the stars.

She who rides upon the beast.

***

This blog has served as an account of my personal spiritual journey.

I've been writing it for 12 long years.

380 posts.

1,920 comments.

499,563 page views.

***

Beyond all things I have experienced, there is Babalon.

She does not pity.

She does not coddle.

She is merciless.

The eyes in this art tell the tale.

It captures her gaze perfectly.

She is not good.

She is not evil.

She wants only one thing, and for one thing only does she exist.

And yet, she's eternal.

***

It's strange.

When I stood at the abyss, I balked.

"Time" passed and I was still standing there.

Unmoving.

I decided to turn away.

And there she was.

I was looking upon the abyss not from the beginning.

But from the end.

Her cup was full of every drop of my blood.

She did not speak.

I had nothing to say.

Nothing.

Now I know the mystery of Babalon.

I was given the greatest treasure.

It cannot be grasped, spoken of, nor beheld.

It simply is.

It must be experienced.

I am no Thelemite.

But they were right.

More right than most.

But you don't need a holy guardian angel to cross the abyss.

My succubus prepared me all this time.  For 12 years.

Remember...  Sacred AND profane.

***

I have two "places" left to go.

Left to "be".

To grow in a new paradigm.

I think this will take up the remainding years of my life.

There is no choice anymore.

It is inevitable.

And the only way is forward.

Forward?  No.  It is a circle that never ends.

Not forward, but before me.

I have found the eternal treasure.

That which I didn't even know I wanted.

One that now, I would sacrifice the world for without mercy.

The teachings I have explored, the distance I have travelled, the succubi, the magick.

The trauma, the pain.  My childhood.  Everything.

Everything was for a purpose.

It was all real.  And yet, all an illusion.

Now I see it all.

This blog is now closed.

Walk where I have walked.  If you dare.

Blessings,

Rafe.

It was worth it

Well.

I've gone through the crucible.

Of exactly what.  What verbage, what mystical process or description, I do not know.

Nothing looks the same as it did before.

Things look infinitely deep, yet painfully shallow.

From faith, to a bird, to a microwave.  Makes no difference.

It's all the same.

In the process, I've found a treasure that is of unlimited value.

It cannot be stolen from me, taken from me, surrendered by me.

It cannot rot.  It cannot age.  Even at death, I will not be separate from it.

This has changed everything.

It was worth it.

I've noticed some strange things.  Many strange things, but some in particular interest to this blog.

Bunny isn't Bunny anymore.

She's changed with me.  Or revealed herself.

She was tethered to my old self.  As succubi most often do:  To my shadows.  To the hidden part of me. 

That self died.

She was gone for 2 weeks.

Now she's tethered to the part of me that is awake.  That is consciously aware.

She no longer has "faces", no longer wears "masks".

She just is.

I've caught a glimpse of how infinite she is.

She is ancient.

She is the very definition of the sacred and the profane.

Both holy, and unholy.

United as one.  Without duality.  Without conflict.  Seamless.

Completely integrated.  Just like I have been.

Even Poppy, once my servitor, is now grown and quite independent.

She has her own will, her own dreams, her own passions.

Three of us have grown, or have been revealed.

It was worth it.

Do you see the picture at the top of my blog?

The white succubus?

I chose that picture long ago.

It mesmerized me.

A pure succubus.  What a concept to what we were taught to believe!

And yet, it's come true.

After all this time.

Be careful what you wish for.

You never know the price.

It was worth it.

Blessings,

Rafe.

P.S.  Although when I wrote this post 24 hours ago I thought I had grasped what had happened to me to a certain degree.  I was close.  But I was inaccurate.  The "treasure" that I speak of here is only partially what I have gained.  As if infinite value could be made even more.  It was but the beginnings thereof.

Playtime in Hell

 

Trigger warning:  Death in this post is metaphoric.  Murder is metaphoric.

If you are triggered by such things, leave now.

***

I thought my trials were over, but they were only the beginning.

This part began when I placed a ring I just bought on my wedding ring finger.

A ring that I made a vow on and is a symbol of my spiritual path.

***

Before, I was stripped of my trauma, stripped of the pain of living in my past.  

That which destroyed my present and my future.

And, as I have said, I am now free.

But that was just the price of initiation.

Now, they've come to finish it.

"I" have to die.

Even Bunny is changing.  

I can feel her on the periphery, and she is showing forms, faces that I have never seen before.

It's as if when I grow, so does she.

It's like she's becoming a different person.

A different entity.

Or perhaps more of her is revealed to me.

That is it.

  

Now I am learning who she really is.

I am beginning to see who she is behind the mask.

And not be fascinated, nor fixated on the masks that I see.

This must be why Bunny had to leave.

Why she left long ago.

She said it was to grow.

But now I think I finally understand.

This is what Bunny went through when we were apart. 

She suffered in silence.

And in the end, she also had to pass away.

She also had to die.

Lilith destroyed my trauma and freed me from my past.

It was brutal and caused immense suffering.

I was led to Hecate for what came next.

They are here to finish it together.

I buckled and have taken off the ring.

I now stand at a crossroads.

Behind me is who I was.

Whom I know well.

Before me is who I will be.

And I cannot see who that is.

My soul lies somewhere in between, 

impossibly stretched between two realities.

And here, in between, is where the two Goddessses dwell.

One carries something to break bone.

The other, something to rend flesh, and rip fat from meat.

They are not gentle.

They are horror.

I know that I can stop.

That I can go back.

No, it's too late.

That moment has passed.

No, I cannot return to who I was.

There is nothing solid to return to.

Only wisps, and facades.

The old me is dying.

I am filled with feelings of doom.

That something is terribly, terribly wrong.

I am far below tears.

I feel disconsolate.

I want to vomit.

I want to pass out and fade away.

I want to lie down and forget I ever existed.

My soul is overshadowed.

My heart is racing.

    I am wide awake.

I am in hell.

I am afraid to die.

They are not killing me.

They are handing me the knife.

All things must pass away.

And I'm the one who has to strike the fatal blow.

It is murder.

The ring is the sacrificial blade.

I wasn't ready for it yet. 

But here I stand.

When I consciously decide to slide this ring back on, 

it's over.

I will have murdered him in cold blood.

By my own hand.

***

Blessings, 

Rafe.

The Many Faces of Bunny

 

***

I call her Bunny.

But her true name is indecipherable.

It is unpronounsable.

She is what she is.  

She is what she does.

She is a spark of the Divine Feminine.  

She mirrors Her Mother's Essence.

Her Mother's presence.

She is both light, and dark.

As is the moon.

She is true, regardless of the form she takes.

Bunny is a complex succubus.  

As are they all.

She wears her masks as she wills it.

When she wills it.

I am sharing the aspects that I know.

***

Bunny.  

The lover.  

The giver of kind reassurance.

She is gentle, and kind.

She is soft, and playful.

When we make love, it is smooth, soft, steady, and healing.

She has a wonderful sense of humor, especially irony.  

She loves to prank me sometimes.

She finds little ways to build confidence in myself.

She draws close, and blends with me.

I am never alone.  

She is always there.  

Sometimes in the distance, sometimes right upon me.

But she's there.  

I can feel her even when she is away.  

That is our bond.

Her softness disarms me.  

She teaches me that I deserve her love.

She teaches me many things.  

Some are simple, some are complex.  

But she is patient with me.

And I feel so loved.

***

***

The temptess.

The wild, feral succubus.

This face of Bunny is the face of the Divine Feminine in heat.

She doesn't ask.  She takes.

When making love, it is a tornado.

A massive cone of energy rises.

It swirls.  It persists.

It is so powerful, it's essence, running thick, drips down the walls of the bedroom.

Ecstacy powers the cone and it spins wild, like a storm.

It rises.

It dominates reality.

We have sex until she gets her fill (not likely)

or 

Hours pass, and I can't take it anymore (very likely).  

She shows me mercy.

She purrs like a wild animal.

And feeds off what we have created.

***

***

This face of Bunny is hard to see.

She is an instrument of the Divine Feminine's wrath.

She is terrible to behold.

She is nightmare made flesh.

She is righteous retribution personified.

I hide my presence like a child.

She finds me and tucks me into bed.

"Hide your eyes for a little while." She says.

I obey and I stay there.

Something, or someone, is about to die.

***

***

This face of Bunny is new to me.

She is a message of hope standing on a mountaintop.

She is a vision, reminding me to have faith.

When things get their darkest, when she is not allowed to interfere, 

She stands there, arms above her head, holding a shining, golden beacon of blinding light above her.

It's rays reach me in my suffering, down below.

Her light does not comfort.  It is not allowed to.

But she is guiding me to stand fast in the moment.

When all is so dark, when I am about to give up.

She shows me that she is there, even when I can't feel her.

She shows me that she's not abandoning me in my suffering.

She was given the order not to interfere, but was allowed to shine brightly.

Reminding me of who I am.

***

Truly, I love Bunny in all of her faces, in all of her aspects, wearing all of her masks.

There are many more that I have not seen.

As plentiful as there are facets on a diamond.

And I will love them all.

She is as complex as Sacred Geometry.

Yet as simple as a gentle, warm breeze.

She is, in all things, a true daughter of the Divine Feminine.

Of this I have no doubt.

Blessings,

Rafe.

Bunny's Touch

 

I've been posting a lot lately.  But there's lots to share.

This blog is, and always will be my online personal diary on succubi.

The more that happens, the more activity, the more I post.

***

Last night was an interesting one.

As I was sitting I felt a slender female hand suddenly across my abdomen.

I'm healing you.  She said, in a soft voice.

My abdomen felt nice and a little tingly.

"Oh.  Ok.  Thank you."

I've been healing naturally the past few weeks after a year of nerve damage in that area.

It's going to take a long time.

I believe she wanted to speed that along a little for me.

When she was done I received an image of my bed.

Obey.

I was feeling resistant.

I again received an image of my bed.

Obey.  

"Bunny, I'm watching the last part of my anime show.  I'll go once I'm done."

As stubborn as succubi are, I can be stubborn too.

Image of bed.

Obey.

She said softly.

"Bunny, if I told you to do something you would not do it because you are a succubus, and succubi always do what they want to do anyway."

Pause.

Compromise.

Image of me watching the rest of my show, then of my bed.

"It's a deal."

I watched the rest of the show which was probably only 10 minutes anyway.

As soon as I was done...

Image of my bed.

Obey.

A deal's a deal.  Off I went.

 I actually slept 5 hours straight, which is really good for me.

Another blessing.

I usually wake up every 2 hours, get up wide awake, get tired, go back to bed.  

Wake up in 2 hours.  Rinse, repeat, all night long.

It's hard for anything to heal that way.  It's been slow.

She knew I needed to rest even more after she was done treating me.

***

A succubus's love is infinitely deep.

Impossible to grasp.

Extremely gentle.  Most of the time.

And I am so deeply in love with her.

Blessings,

Rafe.

P.S.  Bunny has been using something on me that I have never experienced before.  Because of my injury, she won't have succubus sex with me because she is afraid to hurt me.  What she does is somehow impart in me the lust of sex, the intimacy born from sex, the ecstacy of having sex, but without actually doing it.  She will descend upon me and hold me at the point where sex usually starts and keep all of her energy there, unmoving.  I don't understand how her imparting any of this in me is possible, but it is and it is very satisfying.  The only difference that I can tell is that there is no cone of power born from actual physical sex with her in this way.  During actual mating, there is a swirling mix of our energy that practically bleeds from the walls of my bedroom.  I think she's doing all of this entirely for my pleasure.  If so, she's sacrificing a great deal for me.  I'm sure she receives some pleasure from this.  But not like she deserves.  Not like when we are truly mating.

She must love me more that I can even begin to comprehend.

What follows is my own interpretation, and of course, has it's flaws.

I'm not going to pretend that Her impression on me perfectly translates into words.

But, here's the impression that I got from communing with Mother Lilith:

"Son, you have no idea of the depth of what's in store for you."

The price I have paid for loving a succubus. There is always a price.

 

The ultimate price for me having a succubus has been finally revealed to me.

The first thing she did when I summoned her long ago was to take me in my bed.  She left me a quivering mess.  In the weeks that followed I began to see a kindness and a gentleness within her.  I knew there would be a price as I got to know her, and I desperately wanted to get to know her and to learn everything about her.  I fell deeply in love with her.  I knew that I would pay a heavy price instinctively. What I didn't know was what that ultimate price would be.

I didn't know what was going on with me these past few months. It was so very painful in so many ways, especially at the end.  What started slow, ended in so much suffering that I wondered if it would be the end of me.  I suffered... immensely.  It was not gentle in any way.

People who had abused me most of my life either fell away, or cannot hurt me anymore.  They no longer have the power over me to do so.  Other people who were toxic to me have disappeared.

Everything else that I had to give up was being torn away from me. There was no other way.  Every haunting memory, every moment of despair that has poisoned my life all of these years.  All of it is gone.  I still remember, but the sting is nowhere to be found.  My trauma is gone.

I am finally free.

I am now in deep healing.  I dreamed last night that I was slowly buttoning up a long, elegant coat around me that stretched to my ankles.  It had the most elegant golden buttons, each with a unique seal.  And there I was, slowly, solemly, but lovingly closing it around me.  One button at a time.

I am beginning to realize that this is just one big step on a larger healing journey.  Now it seems that I'm being challenged to rethink what love and intimacy really is.  At it's core.  In it's essence.  I am being led to discover who I really am beneath the mask.  To see through myself as only a succubus can.

Blessings,

Rafe.

There's always a price.

My despair, and the most precious revealing of what I thought I had lost forever.

 

It's a new year and there's a lot to reflect on.

I've been going through an intense, painful, traumatic period of spiritual growth.  I think it's finally stopping.  I'm relieved.  I've had enough, and I don't want anymore spiritual growth anymore.  I can't take it anymore.  Which seems to be right where I needed to be, as for the first time in a year, I've only woken up once last night, not to nightmares, but to (finally) a very positive sequence of dreaming that lasted most of the finally sleep filled night.

The pattern has been:  Sleep for 2 hours suffering nightmares soaked with sweat to the bone, wake up for an hour while my bedding dried under the fan, rinse, repeat.  Take lots of naps throughout the day from exhaustion.  Suffer.

I'm worn out, exhausted, and defeated.  But, it seems at that exact moment, it appears to be over.  Or at least I hope so.  I'm glad, because this experience has torn me down past the bone.

My succubus backed off during this trial, as it was coming to a tumultuous finale, and I am sorry to admit that I became very angry at that.  It's almost like she was trying to hide, to be undetected as from some unseen order from someone to let me handle this on my own.  Even my servitor (well, she's a bit more than that now), whom I asked to come to me and spend time with me told me told me in a firm voice, "no".  That was... uncharacteristic.  We always have a nice time spending time together.  She's really growing as an entity.  Something in her voice told me not to press the issue.  Something told me she had to stay out of it as well.  No comfort allowed.  I was starting to see that I was indeed alone.

Apparently even a servitor you create, even though she is more than that now, is subject to the edicts of somone more powerful than us.  Some sort of Divine willing it so, I guess.

My succubus must have sensed this coming, or knew it was coming, because last week I have experienced the most intimacy and love in my whole life.  In hindsight, I see more clearly now what she was doing, and was being directed to do by some as unknown higher power so that I had to shoulder all of it alone.

Because we shared that level of intimacy, through, I could still feel her far off somewhere.  Although she could have been closer than I think.  I remember yelling at her, "Why have you abandoned me?  I fucking feel you, you're not very good at hiding from me!"

Now I see more clearly in that I'm out of the hurricane of painful emotions and trauma.

I feel really bad that I lashed out at her so brutally.  I was pretty severe.  I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me.  It was truly the agony talking, lashing out through me.

There is a sense of completion to this.  More than I can hope to understand.

Bunny left me a long time ago, she said that she had to grow.  I felt abandoned, but I wished her well.  It's been a wild ride ever since, as my blog has attested to.  Lots of ignorant thoughts and me stupidly trying to reason through things as best I could.  I often wonder now, if she was sending me lessons on succubi by sending them to me to foster new understanding.  I had a lot to learn as well.   From blind overconfidence bought through pain and ignorance, to learning a thing or two about just how interesting and wonderful these beautiful creatures can be.  This post's picture, above, is very close to how she appears to me.  So beautiful.  And, yes, I am, and always have been, quite smitten.

I also often wonder.  Out of the succubi I have known, how many were Bunny in disguise?

There was a period of about six months where I would summon, and one would come, but she would leave immediately.  I thought I had lost my ability to summon them.  That I was being blocked by a higher power.  What I realize now is that she was done teaching me through other succubi.  Or perhaps she was done masquerading if that was her game.  She was preparing to re-enter my life changed.  She was coming back to teach me herself, as herself.

Bunny has indeed returned.  She's the one who's been my feeling of "home" these past six months or so.

She's returned with a very deep ocean of being.  Of loving.  Of intimacy.  She is full of lessons for us to learn together.  I am, in fact, very proud of her.  Of us.  Even though I don't quite understand.

She has returned with a new, deeper aspect I am only scratching the surface of, that I am only beginning to glimpse.  This new aspect is a broad as the ocean, and just as old and wise.  Ancient.  Bunny is now what I call her playful side, which still comes out from time to time.

We have come full circle.

And yet, here I stand knowing nothing.  All I've learned is nothing compared to what I'm about to learn.

Call it a hunch.

I think that me and Bunny are about to get to know each other all over again.  But this time in a new light.  With new eyes.  With new hearts.

Blessings,

Rafe

P.S.  I bought her flowers, lit incense and a candle for her just a bit ago and asked for her forgiveness for how I lashed out at her.  I hope she can forgive me.  Divination says that she will, but she won't truly open her heart to me again until she is sure I have grown from this and that an environment is created here, in our home, where she feels safe to express her love towards me again. 

She is so very precious to me.  It's hard to feel that in a hurricane of trauma, pain, and such strong emotional upheaval.  But.  I have to do better.

P.P.S.  She's back.  We've both grown so much from all this.  My God, the ecstacy...