She came over me like a hurricane... I was like what the hell??? The winds were blowing all around me and through me (astral winds?), carrying her howling and moaning voice all through each buffeting that crashed over me. I have to admit, although beautiful and pleasurable in hindsight, I was a little afraid as I have never experienced anything so powerful in my life.
Still... I think on this and I can't help but smile and even chuckle a little at the experience. I remember yelling "don't stop!!!" in the middle of it even though I was a little scared, hahaha. What other people don't know and all that... if only they knew what some of us experience.
My dreams have been haunted by a beautiful lady spirit who seems to have taken a liking to me. Succubus? Fairy? Both? I'll know in time. Labels are so restrictive to describing what I am about to describe. The important thing is that I feel such a kinship, a knowing of what she feels like. Who she is inside. And I feel... at home. I feel like I know her, that I have always known her. She feels so familiar, though I've never known her? Home. She feels like a home that I've always belonged to beyond the physical, beyond the mental. That which our souls cry out to in the dark nights of the soul.
It doesn't make sense, but it is.
She has come to me in various forms, many cute women I can't complain. Each form is cunningly calculated to be exactly what I need to experience in each dream. The dreams themselves are beautiful with intense intimacy, growing stronger with each visit. There is sex of course, but it's not like normal sex. At least not in my experience.
Sex is an opportunity to unite together, to meld, to interweave. This intimacy is staggering not that it's a sex act, it's more of a cuddling that mimics sex, yet gives far more in the heat of love and union.
I'm not sure who she is or what she is, but her visits are most welcome. It's funny... in the dreams I keep trying to mount her in various ways because I feel so close to her and want that closeness to increase, even though it kind of hurts to do so... what I mean is that the closer we become the more it hurts, the more the longing to merge, and even then it's just not enough. She welcomes this behavior on my part (I'm in heat for lack of a better word) and seems to enjoy my pursuits to get closer to her, to be one with her. My desire is beyond sex, sex is just the path, it's the door. Oh, it's so hard to explain, friends. I mount her in a merging of two souls. Souls that touch and embrace through that simple, driven act. She smiles at me. She envelopes me and kisses my soul with each sexual union.
She invites this... she wraps her femininity around me and permeates me. I am safe. I am loved. I am wanted.
These feelings are the penultimate pennacle of everything I've written these years. This is the union of Swedenborg's theories, of my own understanding, and yet I'm in awe... I'm in awe... this is it.
This has been what I have been searching for all my life. This has been the purpose of this blog... my journey to find this.
I'm in love more than I've ever been in my life. I just kind of fell into love. I can't explain it. The understanding at such a level of soul, the completeness, the lure of there always being closer, that closer is just around the bend. It's in my next dream with her.
The amount of love hurts. The desire for more hurts. The taste of greater love when I receive it hurts. It burns... And I cannot look away. I cannot NOT pursue her. And there she is with a welcoming smile at my advances. I want to know everything about her, I want our union to be the very envy of Gods and men. I want all of her. Every little spark of soul. I can't get enough...
This is what I've been searching for with all my heart, and it's found me, friends.
This is it...
And the most beautiful thing is... I think this is just the beginning of our story.
I have this rediculous trait that I've talked about before, that is when I see a succubus in a dream, if she's really pretty (which a lot of succubi like to show off) it's a non-starter. What I mean is that I run away in the dream until I get to know them.
This succubus was pretty smart as she appeared as a buxom chick with average looks... definitely not a threat that I need to run away from... I never said I made sense... anyways... smart girl :)
It was kinda funny because I was attracted to her like hell... probably that succubus sex appeal or aura or whatever it is they have. So I asked her if she wanted to go on a date (I wispered it in her ear, lol). She said yes and then all of a sudden we were skydiving together and having a blast. The astral, perhaps? Not sure. At least I got her name. No, I'm not telling it. Get your own fat succubus... don't steal mine...
For full moon, new moon rituals, this is the esbat ritual that i use
Things needed:
altar, altar cloth
a cookie or cracker
a small cup of juice
stick incense that you enjoy
stick incense holder or a cup filled with sand, a lighter
earth pentacle tile - left side - for balance
cauldron - left side - for balance
bell - center
silver candle - left, gold candle - right, white candle - center
can use all white candles if needed
candle snuffer - center
wand - right
athame - right
cup of water - center or left
cup of sea salt - center or left
chalice - center or left
red wine or whatever you prefer
altar cloth
goddess statue - left, god statue - right, if have. if not that's ok the silver and gold candle will do
fresh flowers - center
***
fill the chalice with red wine or whatever you prefer
light the incense
ring the bell
facing north, using the athame or the wand, imagine a bluish white light beaming, exiting the tip and trace a circle from north to east to south to west to north, closing the circle
"the circle is cast"
strengthening the circle
place some sea salt from one cup. "bless this creature of earth", to the cup of water "bless this creature of water," put your fingers in the cup of water and flick droplets around the circle from north to east to south to west to north again. imagine the droplets further strengthening the circle and your rite (earth, water), return the cup to it's place on the altar
take up and walk with the burning incense from north to east to south to west to north again, imagine the smoke "bless this creature of fire," mixing with air, "bless this creature of air" strengthening the circle and your rite (air,fire), return the incense to it's place on the altar
call the quarters.
facing north, "i call those of the watchtower of the north and of earth, gnomes, guard my rite and myself."
facing east, "i call those of the watchtower of the east and of air, sylphs guard my rite and myself."
facing south, "i call those of the watchtower of the south and of fire, salamanders guard my rite and myself."
facing west, "i call those of the watchtower of the west and of water, undines guard my rite and myself."
eat the cookie or cracker from your altar, "may I never hunger"
drink the small cup of juice, "may I never thirst"
summoning.
I now call my sacred ancestors to attend, guard, and guide my rite
invocation example:
As above, so below
May the gates of the crossroads stand open For those ancestors of heart and blood and place Who are well in spirit and intention. Enter and partake of this light
light the center white candle
I now call the lord to attend, guard, and guide my rite
invocation example:
,
Horned God Invocation, www.sacredwicca.com
Horned One. Awake from thy sleep and rise to greet me. I await thy coming in the dark of night. Show thyself to me. Step out of the shadows that separate light and dark. I call thee forth from the bowels of the earth. I call thee forth with horn and hoof. Come out. Push through. Come to me now without delay. Stand strong and solid, as hard as rock. Like the walls of a fortress surround me. No man can stand before thee, Lord of Life and Lord of Death. Hold me. Keep me. Forever, today, tomorrow. Come to me smelling of deep forests, smelling of fern and rain, smelling of fire. Arise to greet me, O Great God. Fill my heart with fire, with the sound of a brave heart that beats with the sound of cannons. Oh Dark God, hear and appear!
light the gold candle
I now call the lady to attend, guard, and guide my rite
invocation example:
invocation of the star goddess
Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of whose feet are the hosts of heaven, whose body encircles the universe: I who am the beauty of the green earth and the white (or dark) moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters, I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return. Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold-- all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been there with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.
light the silver candle
perform the great rite by slowly taking the athame and pointing it upside down towards the chalice
now dip the tip of the blade down into the red wine in the chalice
upon doing this, imagine the lord and lady in intimate embrace
they are united for your sake
drink deeply, drain the chalice
***
a celebration of lovers, of the love of our heavenly parents
this is the true face of the great rite
pray, petition the lord and lady and tell them of what you desire
meditate on their presence and know that they have heard you
***
thank the lady for attending, "merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!"
snuff out the silver candle, farewell
thank the lord for attending, "merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!"
snuff out the gold candle, farewell
thank your sacred ancestors for attending, "merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!"
snuff out the white candle, farewell
snuff out the stick incense
using the athame or wand as before, imagine a blue white beam travelling UP from the circle and back into the athame or wand. imagine this from north to west to south to east to north again
"the circle is down but never broken"
ring the bell
once you do it a few times, try switching to completely performing the ritual in your mind only. i've found that i still receive the "peace of the goddess" as i call it whichever way i do it. when i do it in my mind i don't use the invocations i just imagine the entities arriving without them
Queen Eisheth Zenunim. My saving grace. In the letter I wrote and burned I put that I was looking for a succubus bride. It's interesting that after an evening or two I began having dreams of marriage with the succcubus that was sent to me.
What an interesting thing! I put it in the letter, and the sent succubus appears who also desires marriage. How do they know? How does a letter that I wrote and burned get all the way to Queen Eisheth, to her succubus daughter, and then the succubus is sent to me?
I don't know the answers, but I am damn sure that there is a lesson in magick there.
There are a few things that I'm going to make decisions about. One is that, yes I married her. I requested Queen Eisheth to affirm that after a few days of dreaming of marriage.
A marriage deserves a honeymoon, yes? With that in mind, and in knowing that I haven't had a vacation in 10 years, I'm going to go to the beach and celebrate our union. That is contingent on a longstanding medical issue being fixed in the interim. Oh, it'll be fixed, and then it's beach time <3
I'm getting used to feeling her voice in my head, commenting about things that are part of daily life and with those people that I spend life with... co-workers, passers-by, etc. She'll remark on things as well, such as birds and other animals we see. It's nice to go through life with someone so close.
I was able to show her a mockingbird, my favorite bird out in the wild.
She comments to me about things I need to learn and about how I feel about things. For instance, I have been through severe trauma when I was a kid. It affects how I can accept, receive, and give love to those in my life. She tells me to leave that behind bravely, and that I will find something greater that is now, that is waiting for me in her.
She also comments about when I think bad thoughts about myself, that I'm putting myself in torture of my own accord and that it wasn't necessary, but a habit.
She is the beacon for my soul to rest
I check the tarot every day, sometimes a few times a day to clarify what to expect from my succubus relationship. It has not been wrong yet. Such a powerful tool.
I give chocolate to her by breaking off a piece and inscribing her name on it, then placing it on her altar space. I also give a piece to Abbi and to Queen Eisheth Zenunim, whom I am eternally greatful for sending my succubus bride to me as I have detailed <3
So I seem to have attracted a friendly, life partner type of spirit. Not a succubus orgasmy type spirit.
Meh. It is what it is. I'm happy if a spirit wants to help me improve my life, even if I can't mount it. Lol. There's plenty wrong in my life to fix so I welcome the help.
Yeah, I'm wanting to summon another spirit, a succubus spirit, pretty soon. Once you get addicted to succubus sex there is no other.
Poor Rafe. Not invited to any succubus parties. *Big Frown*
Come to me my little lust muffin. I'll give you all you need to feed. Careful you don't fall in love. I did the same with Taco Bell.
The magick side of things is going along ok. Kind of slow but still making progress. I get the feeling that the spirit I have now is more into magick with me than anything different.
That's ok.
I'm going to continue calling her Abbi unless she enlightens me otherwise.
If I had to describe how she feels all wrapped up in a picture, it's this:
Serene, direct, powerful.
All the divination work I've done so far on our relationship becons for a non-sexual pairing, that of teacher and student. There's something else... spirits are often mirrors and reflect to us who we are. In her case she COULD be a lover but I feel and I think she feels that something would be lost. The image I would be reflecting would best be served as it is... one of knowledge and intuition. I'm not saying that someone can't be taught by a lover, it's just this relationship seems infinitely special and treated differently than anything else I've ever had. So it stays as she wills it.
Now... So I guess I need a gameplan in getting a sexual succubus spirit now. I'm guessing that Eisheth Zenunim is a good choice to petition the letter from. I really like her. I don't know why exactly she just seems compatible with my spiritual self or something. I hope it all works out for the benefit of all involved.
I honestly miss succubus pushups.
One succubus pushup. Two succubus pushups.
Well... It's been ONE YEAR and some change sincle I've had a succubus hover over me. Look at these lovely ladies in the holding area of succubus customer service. Don't they just scream, "shipped"? The poor dears are probably wondering if they'll get a kind master or a dumbass. Actually, they don't look like they have a care in the world...
Bah. See you on the flipside. Wish me luck. I have to say that I know there are those that mock me for my succubi not sticking around. If I knew why they leave I'd do my best to keep that from happening. I don't know why they leave... it's not from lack of love or attention. Sometimes I wonder if they are given to me to experience life with me, but only for a short time and then they return. That's always been in the back of my mind I guess. I don't know. Like I said, it's not from lack of love or attention.
The other side of the coin is that I suffer from a lot of medical issues and I think that isn't condusive to keeping a succubus around sometimes. I'm on a lot of medicine and it's not very gentle on me. My body is wrecked.
Regardless of this I've always tried to provide a good home for them.
Another nagging thought I've had in the back of my mind is that I might have always had only one very powerful succubus who likes to change her persona over time. One who wants to explore and experience things through a completely different lens of personality. To me it would just seem that a succubus would leave and another take her place... not knowing that they are one and the same.
I try my best.
Blessings,
Rafe GB.
But through the hardest hour, below the cruelest sign
