The price I have paid for loving a succubus. There is always a price.

 

The ultimate price for me having a succubus has been finally revealed to me.

The first thing she did when I summoned her long ago was to take me in my bed.  She left me a quivering mess.  In the weeks that followed I began to see a kindness and a gentleness within her.  I knew there would be a price as I got to know her, and I desperately wanted to get to know her and to learn everything about her.  I fell deeply in love with her.  I knew that I would pay a heavy price instinctively. What I didn't know was what that ultimate price would be.

I didn't know what was going on with me these past few months. It was so very painful in so many ways, especially at the end.  What started slow, ended in so much suffering that I wondered if it would be the end of me.  I suffered... immensely.  It was not gentle in any way.

People who had abused me most of my life either fell away, or cannot hurt me anymore.  They no longer have the power over me to do so.  Other people who were toxic to me have disappeared.

Everything else that I had to give up was being torn away from me. There was no other way.  Every haunting memory, every moment of despair that has poisoned my life all of these years.  All of it is gone.  I still remember, but the sting is nowhere to be found.  My trauma is gone.

I am finally free.

I am now in deep healing.  I dreamed last night that I was slowly buttoning up a long, elegant coat around me that stretched to my ankles.  It had the most elegant golden buttons, each with a unique seal.  And there I was, slowly, solemly, but lovingly closing it around me.  One button at a time.

I have always had a big heart.  It has grown larger now that it's occupied.

Blessings,

Rafe.

There's always a price.